New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

thermometerWASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

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Jul 8

Recording of Alleged Sexual Assault: Gore Warned Massage Therapist of Dramatic Warming of His Subsurface Temperatures

ATTACHMENT_TWO_AL_GOREThe transcript of the alleged 2006 sexual assault by former Vice President Al Gore of Molly Hagerty has been released.  Here are excerpts:

AL GORE: “Scientists have announced they’ve found alarming new evidence that human activities, specifically, your human activities, are responsible for the dramatic warming of my subsurface temperatures.  Many scientists are now warning that I have reached the tipping point from which there is no return, so it is essential that you take all necessary steps to end the persistent draught that has engulfed vast portions of my sex life.  The first thing that needs to be done to alleviate my subsurface pressure is for you to cause the rapid release of emissions from my heat-trapping smokestack.”

Jul 7

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

A devilATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

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Jul 7

Bucs’ Coonelly Replaced by BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg

BP404PITTSBURGH – Carl-Henric Svanberg, 58, former Chairman of BP, was named president of the Pittsburgh Pirates, replacing Frank Coonelly, who was fired after three years at the helm.

Svanberg, who oversaw the clean-up of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill until he resigned as BP chairman, got the Bucs’ top job due to his experience in cleaning up massive disasters.

Last month, Svanberg found himself at the center of a public relations maelstrom when he described persons financially impacted by the oil spill as “the small people.” He insisted it was a translation problem.

This morning, he said that he would be an effective baseball executive because he could understand the concerns of “the small people.” This time Svanberg said there was no translation problem, and that he was referring to Pirates’ owner Bob Nutting, who, Svanberg insisted, “has a very small penis.”

Jul 6

Ed Rendell Dethrones Al Gore To Win Hotdog Eating Contest

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Jul 5

President Pulls Off Fourth Of July Miracle

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Jul 2

Diaries of Disappointed Colonial Women Reveal Meaning of Term “Minutemen”

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Jul 2

Prosthetic Limb Industry Anticipates Big Business After Fourth of July

limbNew Limbsville – Dan Malloy, a spokesman for the National Association of Prosthetic Limb Retailers, said the industry expects “higher than normal sales” following this year’s Fourth of July celebration. Factors involved in the rosy forecast include the long three day holiday weekend, the anticipated consumption of massive amounts of alcohol by millions of people and the accessibility of cheap explosives.

During prior economic slow-downs, self-made amputees were more likely to go without, or fashion their own, crude limbs on garage work benches, or in high school shop classes. Experts hope this recession won’t be like that.

“There’s no question, a lot of people are going to drink and light fireworks,” said Mr. Malloy, “And when they lose that finger, or hand, we want them to know we’re here, ready to provide them with a fully operational, artificial appendage that will look and feel almost like the one they’ve lost.

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Jul 2

Photo of Harvard Law Dean Kagan Could Hurt Her Claim That She Welcomed Military on Campus

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Jul 1

Larry King ‘Surprised’ By News of His Retirement: ‘I Thought I Stopped Doing The Show Seven Years Ago!’

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Jul 1

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

Kagan Attacked By Her Copy of The Constitution After Disavowing Concept of ‘Living Constitution’

KaganWASHINGTON, D.C. – Hours after disavowing the concept of a ”living Constituton” that changes akin to a living organism, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was brutally attacked by her copy of the document and narrowly escaped with her life.

Kagan, badly bruised, is resting in a Washington, D.C. hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.

Kagan made her remarks about the “living Constitution” Tuesday morning during her confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee.  Later in the afternoon, she returned to her office and turned on the lights when, she claimed, she heard the sound of breaking glass in the credenza where she keeps her yellowed, dog-eared copy of the Constitution.

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Jun 30

Furious Justice Stevens Victim of Whoopee Cushion Prank To Open Last Day On Supreme Court

STEVENSWASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.

The ninety year old Justice, however, saw no humor at all in what he described as “an affront to the dignity of this institution” during a blistering attack on the perpetrator of the practical joke which he delivered from the bench.

“Let the record show that during my entire tenure as a member of the judicial system of this great nation at no time did I ever once engage in the act of flatulence, either real or imagined, during the performance of my official duties.  To attempt to discredit my character, or impugn my ability to control the release of foul-smelling air from the body cavity of my nether-regions by placing this vile gadget on my chair is an act that could only be conceived by a wretched charlatan of the lowest order.”

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Jun 30

Kevin Costner Hears ‘Voice’ Again, Invents Oil Clean-Up Device

Costner (2)Washed-up actor also puts blighted ball-field in cornfield on the market

Jun 29

Lone Dentist Who Refused To Recommend Trident Identifies Himself

dentistNEW YORK - The best-kept secret in the history of American advertising was divulged yesterday, when the lone dentist participating in a national survey who refused to recommend Trident chewing gum to consumers revealed his identity to the public.

“I guess you could call me the Deep Throat of Dentistry” said Dr. Joseph Contrary, a self-described maverick who would not budge under pressure from big chewing gum.

Dr. Contrary shared his story during a symposium on floss being sponsored by the American Dental Association. ”I never felt comfortable with the methodology of the survey,” he said.

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Jun 29

Flashback: June 25, 1876: Col. Custer Poised to End Indian Problem, Once And For All

BLACKANDWHITE021Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Ethan Peckham:  The United States of America, trustee of order, tranquility, and prosperity on the North American continent, is poised to end, once and for all, its long-festering tensions with plains Indian tribes, and you heard it here first.

I have it on the best authority that Lt. Col. George Custer and the 7th Cavalry have been dispatched to the Little Big Horn River where they will meet with strange looking Hunkpapa Lakota holy man, Sitting Bull.  In the childish parlance of the godless savages Sitting Bull represents, Custer and the squat holy man will smoke-em peace pipe and bury the hatchet. 

The terms of the peace are that the Indians will agree to return, without further rancor, to the reservations set aside for them by President Grant, and the Americans will agree to continue to dominate the continent.

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Jun 28

Tarzan Denied Service At 7-Eleven For Violating No Shoes, No Shirt Policy

tarzan-et-sa-compagne-34-02-gDES MOINES – Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle and King of the Apes, was arrested for disorderly conduct last evening following a disturbance at a local 7-Eleven convenience store.

According to store manager Joe Dunn, Mr. Tarzan became belligerent after a cashier noticed the vine-swinger was in violation of a decades-old company policy of refusing service to any patron not wearing shoes or a shirt. 

“Tarzan entered the store dressed in a loincloth and a knife,” said Dunn. “When my employee asked him in a polite way to exit the premises and return wearing more appropriate clothing, Tarzan went bananas.”

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Jun 25

Nurse From Iconic WWII Kissing Photo Dies

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Sailor from the photo was summoned to administer mouth-to-mouth, but he couldn’t save her.

Jun 24

White House Releases Transcript of Obama’s Meeting With Gen. McChrystal

McChrystal20070104-222747PRESIDENT OBAMA: You have to answer for Rolling Stone, Stanley. That little farce you played with my sister, you think that could fool an Obama?

GEN.  McCHRYSTAL: Your sister?  I’m confused, sir…

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia . . . . Moe Greene . . . . Strachi . . . . Cuneo . . . . All the heads of the five families. Today I settle all family business, so don’t tell me you’re innocent.

GEN.  McCHRYSTAL: What are you talking about, sir?  I don’t know those people…

PRESIDENT OBAMA:  Admit what you did. . . . Don’t be afraid. Do you think I’d leave Afghanistan without a commander? . . . No, Stanley, you’re out of the family business, that’s your punishment. I’m putting you on a plane to Las Vegas. I want you to stay there. Understand? Only don’t tell me you’re innocent. Because it insults my intelligence — and makes me very angry… Now who approached you to do that Rolling Stone interview? Barzini or Tattaglia?

GEN.  McCHRYSTAL: Sir,  I don’t know who those people are -

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Don’t lie to me, Stanley.

GEN.  McCHRYSTAL:  Ah, alright, I’ll say it was Barzini.  Whoever that is.  Now can I go?

PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good. (Rises) There’s a car waiting for you outside to take you to the airport. I’ll call your wife, to tell her what flight you’re on. Get outa my sight!

Jun 24

Study: Laughter Not Best Medicine For Kidney Stones

kidney_stones_big_photoNEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones.

“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report.  “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”

Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings.  “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell.   Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones.  In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”

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Jun 24

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