Rosa Parks Bus Transformed Into Thrill Ride

Rosa Parks Bus-1DEARBORN, Mich. - The iconic bus on which Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger has been retrofitted into a simulator thrill ride to help visitors at the Henry Ford Museum better commemorate Ms. Park’s historic defiance.

Riders board the bus and sit in every seat except the one occupied by an animatronic version of Ms. Parks.  According to the ride’s official brochure:  “Catastrophe strikes a big city bus when an uppity negro woman creates mayhem by refusing to give up her seat to a Caucasian!  Take a ride with Rosa Parks on the 2857 Montgomery, Alabama metro, as her civil defiance triggers disaster!  Hang on tight as the bus veers out of control and goes careening down a steep mountain into a ravine with raging rapids!  Thrill to the rush as the bus races toward and tumbles over Niagara Falls!  All because Rosa Parks wouldn’t do as she was told!”

The ride runs six minutes, and persons with heart conditions and motion sickness are urged to commemorate Ms. Parks’ historic defiance outside the bus.

Sep 18

Hurricane Center Runs Out of Names, Resorts to “Forbidden List”; First Up: Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald

PALM BEACH, Fla. – For the first time ever, the National Hurricane Center has run out of names for hurricanes, so it must resort to a list of heretofore “forbidden names” that Hurricane Center officials hoped never would be used.

As a result, the next storm on the horizon, Hurricane Center officials say, is Hurricane Lee Harvey Oswald, a storm that shares the same name as the assassin of President John F. Kennedy.

As of last night, Hurricane Oswald was building up steam in the Caribbean and appeared headed on a straight path for Palm Beach, Florida, where Caroline Kennedy and her family are vacationing.

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Sep 17

Incivility Reigns: The Liar Calls The Rude Negro A Jackass

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Sep 16

Roethlisberger’s Former Lovers Subpoenaed for Depositions in “Rape” Trial

BENDEPOS

Sep 11

Jerry Lewis Telethon Sets Record: 512 Maudlin Moments

Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.

Sep 8

Embattled White House Latin American Czar Che Guevara Quits

CheWASHINGTON – President Barack Obama’s Latin American adviser Ernesto “Che” Guevara, who became embroiled in controversy over his association with world revolution, has resigned his White House job after what he calls a “vicious smear campaign against me.”

The resignation came just days after Mr. Guevara was forced to issue public apologies for causing the Cuban Missile Crisis, advocating world revolution, and ordering the wholesale murder of innocent men and boys who opposed the Castro regime in Cuba. 

“I am sorry if my conduct has offended anyone,” Mr. Guevara wrote last week.

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Sep 8

Existentialist Remembers Exactly Where He Was When President Kennedy Was Shot, But Keeps Pondering Why He Was There

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Sep 3

Tragedy: Clock Cleaner Didn’t Realize That In 20 Minutes He Would Be Knocked to Earth

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Sep 3

Man Recovers Repressed Memory, Recognizes Restaurant Steak Knife as Instrument that Circumcised Him

FlashbackNEW YORK – Noah Swayne had the shock of his life last night when he recognized a steak knife at local restaurant Vitas Vinifera as the instrument that circumcised him when he was an infant 32 years ago. 

When the waitress put the knife down next to his steak, Swayne knew he had seen it, and his mind instantaneously raced back to a large white room. 

“I’m lying on a small plastic bed, which has contours that fit my body,” Swayne explained.  “My arms and legs are strapped  down, and I’m completely immobile.  I struggle to break free, but it’s no use.  I glance up, and I’m surrounded by people wearing masks.  My first thought is that I am witnessing a bank robbery.  I soon discover these people are planning to take something from me far more valuable than money.”

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Sep 1

Restaurant’s Guest Pager System Malfunctions, 22 Would-Be Diners Electrocuted

pagerPITTSBURGH – Casual dining at a mid-level faux Italian restaurant proved fatal to twenty-two patrons of Vitas Vinifera in a Pittsburgh suburb last night. 

Police say the patrons were electrocuted while waiting for tables when the restaurant’s guest paging system malfunctioned, sending 19,000 volts of electricity coursing through their bodies.

“Have you ever accidentally burned your toast, dude?” explained restaurant assistant manager Noah Swayne, 19.  “Those people were, like, fried.”  Mr. Swayne high-fived restaurant waiter Jared Matthews, 18, and the two men referred to the incident as “like, awesome.”

Restaurant greeter Madison Bailey, 17, said she immediately knew something was wrong.  “After about two hours of no one responding to their pages, I knew something was wrong,” she explained.  “I’m just sorry they weren’t able to sample our three-cheese and spinach ravioli special.”

Aug 25

“Slumdog Rush Week”: Teen Raunchfest Sequel to Oscar Winner

Slumdog DevReview by Carbolic Smoke Ball Film Critic Prof. Samuel Blatchford - “He’s left the slums of Mumbai behind and has come to the one place where a young man can find fulfillment: an American frat house!” 

That’s the tagline for Slumdog Rush Week, the long-awaited sequel to this year’s Best Picture Oscar winner Slumdog Millionaire.  The film’s producers are wisely aiming for a much bigger teen audience this time, so they’ve ditched the intelligence and the charm of the first film and have made a beeline for the teen raunch instead. 

And I mean raunch.  An example: Dev Patel’s penis gets so much screen time that the Screen Actors Guild insisted it get its own credit (Patel has named his organ “Mohandas” because of its uncanny resemblance to Gandhi).   Read more

Aug 21

Consumer Tip: Wait for Parking Meter to Run Out Before Leaving Space

photo-two-parking-meter1NEW YORK – Commuters are being urged to get their money’s worth out of parking meters by waiting until the meter completely runs out before leaving the parking space. 

“I see drivers leaving parking spaces with 15, sometimes 20 minutes remaining on the meter,” said incredulous consumer advocate Carol J. Murray.

“In this recession, people can’t afford to waste time on the meter, so we’re urging everyone to please, please, just sit in their cars until the meter runs out.”

Aug 20

Truck Mows Down 16 Beatles Fans Recreating Abbey Road Photo

GruesomeSceneLONDON – The iconic crossing outside Abbey Studios where the Beatles were famously photographed walking across the street for the cover of “Abbey Road” was turned into a gruesome crime scene today, forty years to the day the fabled photo was taken, when a tractor trailer plowed into sixteen fans recreating the picture.

Beatles fans from around the world flocked to Abbey Road on the anniversary of one of rock ‘n’ roll’s greatest images and, at 11:35 am, exactly the moment the photo was taken, a large group strutted from one side to to the other to emulate their heroes.  Just then, an 18-wheeler semi-trailer truck carrying Jonas Brothers CDs came barreling down the road and struck a large group of fans, killing 16 instantly and injuring two dozen more.

“I saw [the truck] turn off of Penny Lane and then it came speeding toward us down the long and winding road,” eyewitness Bob Haas told Sgt. Pepper, investigating the mayhem.  “My friends, Lucy and Joe Diamonds, were the first to be hit — I looked up and saw Lucy in the sky with Diamonds.”

Aug 8

Photo Released: Police Officer James Crowley, After Being Verbally Assaulted by Harvard Prof. Gates

Beaten upPhoto proves why Prof. Gates had to be arrested, said Cambridge Police Commissioner Robert Haas.

 

 

Jul 24

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets!

lunar ticketsCAPE CANAVERAL – On the 40th anniversary of the first moon landing, NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.

NASA Administrator Charles Frank Bolden, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface. 

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed — and to pay those tickets,” Bolden explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

Jul 20

Heir to Camelot Anointed on Anniversary of Chappaquiddick

car_mechanicBOSTON – Just as a lad named Arthur proved himself to be the one true King by extracting Excalibur from a stubborn mythical stone, this morning John “Jack” Bouvier Kennedy Schlossberg, 16, son of Caroline Kennedy, proved himself to be heir to the throne of the latter day Camelot by successfully starting Kennedy patriarch Ted’s ’67 Olds Delta 88 for the first time since its owner accidentally drove it off a bridge into Poucha Pond at Chappaquiddick Island, 40 years to the day. 

Legend has it that “Who So Starteth Up The Car is Rightwise Heir to Camelot,” and it has become a right of passage for every young Kennedy to take a stab at repairing the water-damaged vehicle.  When Jack turned the key and the engine hummed for the first time since that fateful night in July 1969, the timing was not lost on the stunned Kennedy clan.  They quickly surrounded young Jack and kneeled before him.

“Ted was ecstatic, of course,” said long-time family advisor Ted Sorenson.  “He hopped behind the wheel and yelled out, ‘Who wants to go for a spin with me?’  Oddly, he had no takers.”

Jul 18

Outcry Over Redesigned Traffic Sign

Local men protest: “Why do traffic signs always depict the male as the one holding the gun?”

Jul 10

Eternal Flame Over Jacko’s Grave To Be Powered By Setting Fire to Clumps of His Hair

Jackson Hair

Idea came from Pepsi commercial mishap

Jul 8

Busy Executive: No Time To Rue The Day, Will Rue The Hour Instead

rue-the-day1PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, Senior Vice President for PNC Bank, and his next door neighbor Bradleys Roadhouse have reached a consensus following a heated dispute last week during which Roadhouse told Swayne he would “rue the day” that Swayne accidentally cut down Roadhouse’s apple tree.

After several emails exchanged back and forth, Swayne convinced Roadhouse that he doesn’t have time to rue an entire day, and finally Roadhouse agreed that Swayne will “rue the hour” instead.

“We compromised,” Roadhouse explained.  “I tried to get him to ‘rue the afternoon,’ but eventually settled for just an hour.  Fact is, I just wanted him to rue something.  An hour’s good.”

Jun 25

Local Man: “Chief’s Likeness Burned My Hand!”

photo-four-roone-statuea1PITTSBURGH – Noah Swayne, 33, said that the iconic statue of beloved Pittsburgh Steelers founder Art Rooney, Sr. grabbed and burned his hand with his signature cigar this morning as Swayne was walking past the likeness of the man everyone in Pittsburgh called ”The Chief.” 

“I was telling my buddy, Samuel Blatchford, that the Steelers won’t repeat as Super Bowl champs,” Swayne explained, “and then all of a sudden, this powerful hand grabs me — it’s Mr. Rooney!  Then he took that giant cigar he holds and thrust the lit end into my hand.  I want to tell you, they could hear me screaming all the way to [popular local fast food restaurant] Primanti’s.”

Mr. Swayne immediately reported the assault to the statue of the police officer at the nearby Law Enforcement Memorial.

Jun 24

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