Santorum: ‘Pope Benedict To Be My VP’

DES MOINES – In a bold bid to build on the momentum of his razor close second place finish in the Iowa Caucuses, former Senator Rick Santorum announced that if he is the GOP nominee for president, Pope Benedict will serve as his running mate.

Party stalwarts had mixed reactions. Some applauded the move as “just crazy enough that it might work,” while others questioned the Pontiff’s conservative credentials.

“I’m afraid that if America needs to blow something up,” said Gov. Rick Perry, “the Pope might be guided by the New Testament instead of the Republican Party Platform, which would be a real problem.”

Jan 4

Romney’s Eight Vote Victory in Iowa Caucuses Came From Disembodied Ballplayers in Cornfield

“Occupy Iowa Cornfields”

Jan 4

Hugo Chávez, Tapped to Play Curly in Farrelly Brothers’ ‘Three Stooges,’ Calls Moe an ‘Imperialist Swine’

Dec 30

Joe Paterno: Incapable of Doing Wrong

Commentary by the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor of Carbolic Smoke Ball – Joseph Vincent Paterno, the iconic face of Penn State football for five decades who has done more good for this world than any carbon-based lifeform since St. Paul, has fallen victim to a good old fashioned PC smear by the progressive hags with a “rape” agenda at NOW and similar cesspools.

These banshees and their limp-wristed male enablers have long harbored a jealousy of Mr. Paterno bordering on the pathological because of his unmatched success in a field they could only dream being a part of: college football. So they did what every hate group throughout history has done: they destroyed the thing they are jealous of.

But forcing Joe out as Penn State head coach wasn’t enough for these vermin.  Now they’ve manufactured a hissy fit over news that when the Great Man heard that Jerry Sandusky was spotted fondling a young boy in the Penn State shower, he didn’t notify his superiors right away because he “didn’t want to interfere with their weekends.”

Read more

Dec 29

Man Threatens to Jump From Ledge

VATICAN CITY – A man brought a section of Rome to a halt Sunday when he threatened to jump off a ledge in the Vatican.

Police are not identifying the man, but witnesses say he wore a white skullcap, ornate vestments, and a Papal ring.

Police officers concluded the man was delusional based on the list of demands he presented that included peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Psychiatric specialists spoke with him for forty-five minutes before convincing him to come down.  He was taken to a local hospital to be evaluated.

Dec 25

Gingrich Plan to Make English America’s Official Language Would Outlaw ‘Adeste Fideles’ and ‘Auld Lang Syne’

Dec 20

Penn State’s McQueary Testifies: “I Saw Pedophile Snowman With Kids and a Broomstick Running Here and There All Around the Square Saying, ‘Catch Me If You Can!’”

Dec 20

Kim Jong-il Dies 8:30 a.m.; Kim Jong-il’s Hair Dies at 11:44 a.m.

Dec 17

Tebow Feeds 51,000 Fans at Mile High Stadium With Just Five Loaves of Bread and Two Fishes

And they did eat, and were all filled: and there was taken up of fragments that remained of twelve baskets.

Dec 13

Postal Service Unveils Plan to Compete With Instantaneous E-Communication: Slower Mail

Dec 6

Herman Cain Shrinks Wife to Give Supporters One Last Thrill

 

Mrs. Cain now 18 inches tall

Dec 4

Obama Beheads Turkey With Bare Hands, Forces Daughters to Watch

Nov 24

Fox News: College Pepper Spray Attack Gave Victims Minimum Daily Vegetable Requirements

Fox News' Bill O'Reilly

Nov 23

Turkey Pardoned By Obama: “No Secret Deal”

s-obama-turkey-pardon-large-20101124-485WASHINGTON – The turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual thanked the President after returning to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey.”

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, I’m just a punchline.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

Nov 23

Newt Gingrich Imprints on Iowa

RIVER CITY, IOWA – Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said he formed an everlasting bond with Iowa and made the state his “soul mate” yesterday by imprinting on it, a biological phenomenon that usually occurs spontaneously. 

But Gingrich’s political foes are crying “foul,” claiming the move was politically motivated so that Gingrich will win the January 3, 2012 Republican Iowa Caucuses.

Gingrich denies the allegations. “It was just something that happened,” Gingrich explained. “I looked at Iowa, Iowa looked at me, and something came over both of us.”

Nov 21

Paterno Vows Revenge on Rape Victim

JoePaterno_AngrySTATE COLLEGE, PA – Fired Penn State football coach Joe Paterno said he will “get” the young man whose alleged rape in a PSU shower in 2002 led to the long-time coach’s ouster this week. 

In 2002, Paterno was informed that a 10-year-old boy allegedly had been raped by one of Paterno’s former assistant coaches.  Paterno reported the allegation to the school’s athletic director, but not to police.

“He’s sullied my good name with this rape business, and you have my word, he’s going to pay for it,” an angry Paterno told reporters.

Nov 12

Herman Cain Unveils New ‘Plan 9-9-9 From Outer Space’

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Nov 3

Breaking News: Underwear Bomber Changes Plea to ‘Guilty’

f631af33de684b16fb0e6a706700dff8Change came after witness testified he saw defendant’s pants on fire, and defendant knew jury would conclude he’s a liar, liar

Oct 12

Reporters Try to Uncover Meaning of Steve Jobs’ Dying Words

Citizen-Kane-globeThe Apple visionary was in bed, clutching a snow globe in one hand. Suddenly, his hand opened, and the snow globe fell to the floor. Jobs managed to utter his final words: “Adobe Flash.” 

Some reporters think the words referred to Jobs’ childhood sled.

Oct 6

Sarah Palin Won’t Run For President, Nation Shocked

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Oct 6

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