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Recent News Items
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- Obama, Joe the Plumber Discuss Drain Problems in White House Shower
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- “Twilight” Tells Tale of Forbidden Love
- Cash-Strapped GM to Salvage Self With “Bachelor Auction” of Assembly-Line Slobs
- “Alright, I’ve got to sneak in a commercial break, but we’ll be right back with our guest, John McCain, here on the Arsenio Hall Show.”
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Coming Tuesday, November 25th
ST. LOUIS - Every day since the Republican National Convention, Professor Henry Higgins has tutored Sarah Palin to speak fluently on domestic and foreign policy issues in the hope of proving his boast that “I’ll make a vice president of that barbarous wretch.”
Insiders reveal that Higgins brutally reprimands Palin during their daily sessions. In a recent mock debate he challenged her to cite specific examples of how John McCain has pushed for more regulation over financial institutions. Palin’s answer, ”I’ll try to find you some, and I’ll bring them to you,” prompted a a typical Higgins tirade: “You incarnate insult to Democracy!”
“A woman who utters such disgusting, depressing noises as you do is fit to exist only in Alaska, where her caterwauling could pass for the yipping-yapping howl of the coyote.”
OMAHA - Noah Swayne, Jr., 17, became the 16th child under Nebraska’s new safe haven law to be legally abandoned by his parents. The law allows parents to sever parental relations with any child up to age 17 for any or no reason by dropping him off at a hospital.
The boy’s parents, Noah and Donna Swayne, staunch Obama supporters, explained they “had no choice” but to sever all ties with their son because Donna caught him, in her words, “relishing his hot dog” to an Internet video of a swimsuit-clad Sarah Palin competing in a 1984 beauty pageant.
“We have always taught our former son to be completely tolerant, which means to despise and belittle anti-choice Christians, the Second Amendment, and anyone who doesn’t believe in global warming,” explained Noah Swayne, Sr. ”The very idea that he finds that — that — gun-toting, Christian wacko to be sexually arousing was too much for us to bear, so he had to go.”
Congressional aide: “Nobody’s package is big enough for Barney!”
HOLLYWOOD - After a video surfaced showing Sarah Palin praying with Kenyan witch-hunter Thomas Muthee, a witch known only as Endora reportedly put a spell on Palin that causes her to speak in rhyme.
Palin is in seclusion, and the McCain campaign has summoned international authority on witches’ curses Darrin Stephens to help remove the spell in time for next week’s Vice Presidential debate.
President Bush told a reporter he thinks “it would be a hoot” to hear Palin debate Sen. Joe Biden in rhyme.
In related news, the Rev. Jeremiah Wright has claimed responsibility for the collapse of Wall Street, which he said stems from the curse he put on the nation when he damned America.
LOS ANGELES - Leaders of the Hells Angels and Bandidos motorcycle gangs today said they would suspend an ongoing gang war over control of the lucrative methamphetamine market and return to the nation’s capital to seek a resolution to the ongoing financial market crisis.
“It’s time to put aside partisan interests, like who shot who in the eye and that sh*t, and unite not as Hells Angels or Bandidos, but as Americans, while we seek a resolution to ongoing market instability,” said Delbert “Fuzzwack” Cleonis, Hells Angels chapter president.
Bandidos chairman Hector “Shiv” Andreackos echoed those remarks.
“As we watch portfolio values evaporate in the second wave of subprime losses, it has become increasingly clear that the market is facing a liquidity crisis that could reverberate throughout national and international markets. Until Congress can find a means to restore investor confidence, it makes little sense to worry about whether Stockton’s meth junkies are served by the Angels or the Bandidos,” he said.
WASHINGTON - President Bush said he would help the country stop focusing on Wall Street’s precarious financial situation by hanging upside down in Central Park for 60 hours without a net starting tomorrow.
“I can’t think of any better way to get our minds off money, money, money,” Bush said.
Bush denied that he got the idea for the stunt, which he calls “an endurance challenge,” from magician David Blaine, who is currently hanging upside for 60 hours in New York’s Central Park. “But I don’t deny there are similarities,” the President noted.
“Like I have time to operate a whole new universe with my schedule this semester,” said project director Dr. Noah Swayne.
GENEVA - Late Tuesday, scientists used a multibillion-dollar atom-smasher, the most powerful ever constructed, to re-enact the Big Bang, the colossal explosion that created the universe. Scientists fired beams of protons at one another to create collisions of subatomic particles from which they hoped to unlock the secrets of the cosmos.
But the collisions created “a lot” more energy than scientists anticipated, project director Dr. Noah Swayne said, and a parallel universe appeared above them.
“We really goofed,” chuckled Dr. Swayne in a telephone interview last night. “Now we’re stuck with yet another universe. I mean, what the hell am I going to do with another universe?” Dr. Swayne’s wife picked up an extension line and began yelling, “There’s going to be some changes with this new universe – like when two people are married, the husband doesn’t go away weekends with a young blond co-worker!”
Televangelist Ernest Angley announced that he, too, reenacted the Big Bang — but after the protons fired at each other, a naked couple appeared, and the woman was eating an apple and conversing with a serpent.
Mourners have difficulty understanding sermon at funeral because minister’s voice sounded like a muted trombone
ST. PAUL - Prominent progressive blogger Markos Moulitsas today broke the shocking news that the infant son of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin does not suffer from Down syndrome but is, in fact, an alien.
In a blog post entitled, “So much for human-only reproduction,” Moulitsas downplayed the theory, given ample coverage on his web site this weekend, that the child was actually born to Palin’s 17-year-old daughter, Bristol. ”I don’t think the evidence is there to claim Trig is Bristol’s son,” Moulitsas wrote, “but a second rumor floating around Alaskan crop circles turns out to have been true: the little bastard is an alien.”
Moulitsas’ report included a shocking family photo, apparently smuggled out of the governor’s mansion by a disgruntled nursemaid, that shows Palin cradling her bug-eyed, antennaed baby in a space-age thermal blanket.
John Edwards breathes sigh of relief: “I told you it wasn’t mine”; Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt “standing by” to adopt baby, promise Gov. Palin they will give up one of their own children so they can afford to care for it.
LAS VEGAS - Jerry Lewis announced that the proceeds from next weekend’s Jerry Lewis Labor Day Telethon will be diverted from muscular dystrophy research and be used to bail out Ed McMahon, the perennial Telethon anchor, whose fight to avoid foreclosure on his Beverly Hills mansion has gained world-wide attention.
Some muscular dystrophy patients expressed outrage over the news. “We can’t believe Jerry would abandon us to help a rich friend avoid losing one of his mansions,” said muscular dystrophy patient Noah Swayne, 19.
Mr. Lewis was baffled by the patients’ anger. “I mean, I’ve raised $2 billion for these people – exactly how much money do these MD patients need anyway? Well, I have a message for them: I fully intend to use the same maudlin, sappy tactics I’ve employed for 43 years to tug at America’s heartstrings for MD patients to bring a little sunshine back to Ed’s life.”
Contacted by a reporter for this story, Mr. McMahon just chuckled.
NEW YORK - Maury Povich delivered some welcome good news to disgraced former North Carolina Senator John Edwards on his syndicated day-time talk show yesterday.
Mr. Povich informed Mr. Edwards that he is not the father of the baby born to his mistress Rielle Hunter. Upon hearing the news, the Senator emitted a raucous whoop and holler, and began a series of poorly executed dance moves around the set as a demonstration of his excitement.
“I told you it wasn’t mine,” he shouted at the camera over and over again. He then worked his way through the studio audience, exchanging high-fives and fist-bumps with members of the enthusiastic crowd.
AMSTERDAM - A high-tech x-ray spectroscopy today revealed a previously unknown portrait of a woman by Vincent van Gogh under the dead painter’s face.
Van Gogh’s body was exhumed because of long-held suspicions that “something was under his face,” said noted Van Gogh authority Dr. Noah Swayne. When the results of the testing were revealed at a conference of Van Gogh aficionados in Amsterdam, several experts gasped in horror.
“We have no idea how the painting got there, but this will cause us to look at van Gogh altogether differently from now on,” said Dr. Swayne.
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