Carbolic Smoke Ball » Extras

From Coast-to-Coast, America is Ecstatic for Long-Suffering New York Fans: Big Apple Celebrates Only Its 56th Sports Championship

CarbolicTim — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 04:00:12 +0000

Woman at Gingrich Rally: ‘Don’t Count Out Calvin Coolidge Just Yet!’

CarbolicTim — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:02:52 +0000

NBC Sports Apologizes for Mrs. Obama’s ‘Spontaneous Gesture to America’ During Super Bowl Halftime

CarbolicTim — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 04:05:36 +0000

Susan G. Komen Stages ‘Race for the Capitulation’

CarbolicTim — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:45:13 +0000

Agency reverses self, will fund Planned Parenthood

Genius Belichick to Media: ‘Your ignorance makes me ill and angry’

CarbolicTim — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 13:03:24 +0000

INDIANAPOLIS - Scientists say that the tragic death of a sports writer at this morning’s pre-Super Bowl press conference was caused by the fact that the Patriot’s coach, Bill Belichick, long regarded as a genius, has mutated into a “being of pure intellect.”

Belichick strode into a packed media room at 10:15 and glowered at reporters beneath his massive cerebrum for what seemed an eternity. The coach refused to respond to any questions but finally raised his right hand, revealing that it now sports six fingers, and announced, “Your ignorance makes me ill and angry.”

Belichick then spun around and looked directly at Pittsburgh Post-Gazette sports columnist Gene Collier. The coach’s eyes widened in fury.

“With my telekinesis, I can tell you are thinking about the Patriots’ putative illegal taping of opponents in 2007,” Belichick said. He extended his arm and pointed a finger at Collier. Collier screamed out in pain, then burst in flames. The fire was so intense, Collier’s body was consumed in a matter of seconds. Collier’s ashes floated to the floor while reporters gasped in horror. Belichick quickly walked out of the room.

A spokeswoman for the New York Giants said the team will decide later today whether to forfeit this Sunday’s Super Bowl.

Al Gore Subs for Groundhog

CarbolicTim — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 04:00:30 +0000

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Groundhog Day revelers waiting to learn if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow were shocked yesterday morning when the famous rodent’s handlers reached into his burrow and pulled out Al Gore instead.

Mr. Gore, who declared Phil’s prognostications “obsolete,” promptly announced that he could see his shadow, and that “there will only be six more weeks of winter — ever.”

Bear Stages Mauling to Look Like Murder

CarbolicTim — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 04:00:41 +0000

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK – A bear who mauled a woman to death arranged the scene to make it look like she was killed by her boyfriend, police said.

The bear attacked the woman, Rosacea Lugosi, 23, while she and her boyfriend, Noah Swayne, 26, were camping last Friday. Mr. Swayne was off hiking when the bear pounced on Ms. Lugosi. Police say the bear then grabbed Ms. Lugosi’s wallet and took all her cash.

With Ms. Lugosi’s bloody corpse sprawled out at his feet, the bear spotted Mr. Swayne’s cell phone nearby. He frantically typed a profanity-laced text message and sent it to Ms. Lugosi’s cell phone, telling her, “I need money, bitch, and I’ll do anything to get it. Noah.” After police found the text message, Mr. Swayne was arrested and charged with murder.

The bear apparently had a guilty conscience because twelve hours later, he charged into the Yosemite police station, snatched a phone from a terrified dispatcher, and typed the exact message he had sent from the boyfriend’s phone. Police knew instantly that they had the real killer. Mr. Swayne was released immediatly, and the bear was held without bond.

The bear is being represented by attorney Gloria Allred.

We’re going to make sure the Nevada primary turns out different . . . .’

CarbolicTim — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:17:12 +0000

‘Ken, we’re two feet apart–why are we talking to each other on the phone?’

CarbolicTim — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:14:56 +0000

‘Hurry, grab him and let’s get out of here . . . .’

CarbolicTim — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 04:13:03 +0000