May 7

Good Friday Service Marred By Altar Boy Incompetence

Holy-WaterOP-ED BY DR. NOAH SWAYNE, SCIENTIST/ST. MARY OF MERCY PARISHIONER – After the noon Good Friday service today at St. Mary of Mercy Church in downtown Pittsburgh, I waited outside the door the altar boys use, and when the first one emerged, I hauled off and punched him in the face as hard as I could, knocking him to the ground. No fewer than a dozen parishioners swarmed his limp body and started kicking him in the head and the torso until he was a bloody mess.  Then the next one emerged, and we gave him a taste of the same medicine.

The altar boys’ performance at today’s service was utterly appalling. No fewer than four times, father had to wait for one of them to go fetch the book even though they should have had it waiting for him. Once, father actually had to force one of them to hold it straight so that he could read from it.

Father wasn’t much better. Instead of just opening the book and reciting the prayers, he’d stand there looking at the words with the same puzzled look I give my car owner’s manual when I’m trying to figure out how to change a tire.

But the real problem was the boys. They deserved every broken bone we gave them. You see, we were sending them an important message: get your act together if you want to serve the Lord.

 

Mar 29

Controversial “Witch Orgy” Scene Earns Great and Powerful Oz NC-17 Rating

Oz The Great and Powerful

Mar 26

‘Hey, Francis, I’ve changed my mind about this retirement business . . . so clear out your stuff, and I’ll move back in’

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Mar 25

‘This is a f***ing big deal, Pope’

biden

Mar 19

Pope Francis Cites Age, Says He’ll Step Down March 31

POPESLIDESHOWBACK-articleLarge

Mar 13

Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI Rips New Pontiff

Popeq-001ROME – In off-the-record remarks to visitors over tea at Castel Gandolfo this afternoon, Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI derisively referred to the new pontiff as “Juan Peron,” a reference to the new Pope’s Argentine roots. Benedict also said that the name chosen by former Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Pope Francis I, is a “girl’s name.”

At least three times over tea with friends, Benedict mentioned that he “whupped Cardinal Peron’s ass” in the 2005 conclave that elevated Benedict to the papacy.

Benedict asked a friend to deliver a message to the new pontiff: “I’m watching him, and I’ll be on him like a ton of bricks at the first misstep.”

Mar 13

New Pontiff Held Up at Gunpoint

Pontiff

Mar 13

HABEMUS IGNUS IN CULINA! (‘We have a fire in the kitchen’)

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Mar 13

Aerial Shot of Vatican: Insiders Say They’ve Never Seen So Much Division Over Selection of Pope

Chemical Plant Fire

Mar 13

Sistine Chapel Evacuated, Cardinals Overcome with White Smoke Inhalation

sistine

Mar 12

‘Keep the red hats on – they can’t identify perpetrators if we all look alike’

Cardinals

Mar 6

Hugo Chávez Dies, Last Words: ‘Moe! Larry! Cheese!’

Chavez

Mar 5

How did they not see this coming?

Feb 17

Al Jazeera: 4,000 Jews ‘Miraculously’ Stayed Away Site of Meteor Hit in Russia

Meteor russia-meteor_full_380“It’s 9/11 all over again,” says news source

Feb 16

Shocker: Lunar Rover Left on Moon in 1972 is Covered With Parking Tickets

lunar ticketsCAPE CANAVERAL – NASA revealed that a satellite photo taken last week shows that the Lunar Rover, abandoned on the moon’s surface in 1972 by Apollo 17 astronauts, is covered with parking tickets.

NASA Administrator Noah Swayne, Jr. said he is “very disappointed” that the astronauts apparently left the vehicle, nicknamed the “moon buggy,” in a “No Parking” zone before leaving the moon’s surface.

“We need to get someone back to the moon to move that vehicle before it’s towed,” Swayne explained.  “The United States of America will not be known throughout the universe as a parking scofflaw.”

Feb 15

The only remains from burned Dorner cabin: box of love letters from John Cheever to the mass killer

 

Feb 13

State of the Union Highlights

“It’s the President!”

Feb 13

Biden’s Attempt to Start Rhythmic Applause in Middle of Gun Control Spiel Falls Flat

Feb 13

Democrats confer on policy matters before the speech

“Lightbulb!”

Feb 13

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