From Coast-to-Coast, America is Ecstatic for Long-Suffering New York Fans: Big Apple Celebrates Only Its 56th Sports Championship

Feb 8

Woman at Gingrich Rally: ‘Don’t Count Out Calvin Coolidge Just Yet!’

Feb 7

NBC Sports Apologizes for Mrs. Obama’s ‘Spontaneous Gesture to America’ During Super Bowl Halftime

Feb 6

Susan G. Komen Stages ‘Race for the Capitulation’

Agency reverses self, will fund Planned Parenthood

Feb 3

Genius Belichick to Media: ‘Your ignorance makes me ill and angry’

INDIANAPOLIS - Scientists say that the tragic death of a sports writer at this morning’s pre-Super Bowl press conference was caused by the fact that the Patriot’s coach, Bill Belichick, long regarded as a genius, has mutated into a “being of pure intellect.”

Belichick strode into a packed media room at 10:15 and glowered at reporters beneath his massive cerebrum for what seemed an eternity.  The coach refused to respond to any questions but finally raised his right hand, revealing that it now sports six fingers, and announced, “Your ignorance makes me ill and angry.”

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Feb 3

Al Gore Subs for Groundhog

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA – Groundhog Day revelers waiting to learn if Punxsutawney Phil would see his shadow were shocked yesterday morning when the famous rodent’s handlers reached into his burrow and pulled out Al Gore instead.

Mr. Gore, who declared Phil’s prognostications “obsolete,” promptly announced that he could see his shadow, and that “there will only be six more weeks of winter — ever.”

Feb 3

Bear Stages Mauling to Look Like Murder

YOSEMITE NATIONAL PARK – A bear who mauled a woman to death arranged the scene to make it look like she was killed by her boyfriend, police said.

The bear attacked the woman, Rosacea Lugosi, 23, while she and her boyfriend, Noah Swayne, 26, were camping last Friday.  Mr. Swayne was off hiking when the bear pounced on Ms. Lugosi. Police say the bear then grabbed Ms. Lugosi’s wallet and took all her cash. 

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Feb 2

We’re going to make sure the Nevada primary turns out different . . . .’

Feb 1

‘Ken, we’re two feet apart–why are we talking to each other on the phone?’

Feb 1

‘Hurry, grab him and let’s get out of here . . . .’

Feb 1

Romney’s Family Sees Him Off to Work

Feb 1

‘Lunch!’

Feb 1

‘Nice of you to get dressed up to work on my campaign’

Feb 1

Newt Later Told His Wife He Was Disappointed With That Handshake

Feb 1

‘Strangers in the night, exchanging glances . . .’

Feb 1

Airline Charges Newt Gingrich an Extra $27,000: He Has Too Much Baggage

Jan 31

Carnival Cruise Lines Scraps Ad Campaign Touting ‘Our Captains Don’t Abandon Ship’

NEW YORK – Carnival Cruise Lines is pulling one of its most popular television ad campaigns – the one where happy crew members raise their fists and shout, ”Our captains don’t abandon ship!” – in the wake of reports that Carnival’s Captain Francesco Schettino fled the sinking Costa Concordia while 300 passengers were still on board.

“It’s a shame, because we thought it was our best ad ever,” a Carnival spokeswoman said. “We might be able to salvage it by changing the text to read, ‘Our captains don’t abandon ship, or if they do, they’ll be forced back aboard by the Coast Guard.’  As far as we’ve been able to determine, that statement is true, as of this morning.”

Jan 30

‘No, Herman, I’m serious–I wish you’d have brought me a pizza instead of your worthless endorsement’

Jan 29

Gov. Jan Brewer Meets Obama at Airport, Comes Prepared With Sign in Case She Doesn’t Recognize Him

Jan 27

Hillary to Step Down From ‘Grueling World Stage,’ Says She Hasn’t Gotten Over Landing in Bosnia Under Sniper Fire in 1996

Jan 27

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