NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama.
“She said, ’Don’t let this minor setback stop the United States from pursuing exploratory deepwater drilling, Mr. President,’” BP CEO Tony Hayward proclaimed. “That’s a direct quote from the Virgin Mary. I’m sure that BP got it exactly right.”
Hayward said BP has ceased its efforts to halt the oil spill and is concentrating on figuring out how to preserve the image of the Virgin Mary so that BP can sell it. “We plan to pay our restitution obligations with the revenue from the oily icon.”
HOLLYWOOD - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward announced yesterday that the company has abandoned efforts to cap the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and, instead, has hired Damen Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to devise a conclusion to the ecological disaster that will satisfy both critics and the general public.
Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment. Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.
“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling. “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”
“This time it’s personal,” vows ex-skipper of Exxon Valdez
NEW ORLEANS – Joseph Hazelwood, who was captain of the Exxon Valdez at the time it struck a reef and dumped eleven million gallons of oil into Prince William Sound, has been lured out of retirement by BP to contain the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
Captain Hazelwood said that for this mission, he will recommission the Valdez, which has been in mothballs since the 1989 disaster, and “get the old gang together” for first time in 21 years to serve as his crew. “This time it’s personal,” he said.
BP acknowledged that some Gulf Coast residents might feel squeamish about seeing the Exxon Valdez steaming toward the site of the spill. “But no one is more knowledgeable about oil spills than Captain Hazelwood,” said BP spokesman Noah Swayne.
“BP is giving Captain Hazelwood the opportunity to both redeem himself and save the planet at the same time,” Mr. Swayne explained. “If he fails, then no one can blame BP for the environmental cataclysm that’s sure to follow. Once more, the blame would fall where it belongs – on Joseph Hazelwood.”
GALVESTON - Ariel, the little mermaid who stole the hearts of millions and saved a struggling Hollywood studio over twenty years ago, washed ashore yesterday morning, the latest victim of the Gulf Coast oil spill.
Ms. Ariel was pronounced dead by a team of rescue workers stationed on the beach, who also pronounced her foul-smelling and covered with black gunk.
British Petroleum CEO Lord David Halifax issued a statement of regret on behalf of his company, and vowed to do everything in his power to protect other mermaids from sharing Ariel’s fate. ”However,” he said, ”I must add that if Ariel hadn’t been so close to the surface, perhaps attempting to interact with human beings, in direct violation of the orders given to her by her dear father, King Triton, she would be alive today.”
Funeral arrangements for the Little Mermaid were being handled by Red Lobster, Inc.
NEW ORLEANS – Attempts to stem the massive oil slick off the Gulf Coast have proven to be abysmal failures, so officials will revert to a “Hail Mary” pass of enlisting the hairdo of teen heartthrob and Twilight series star Robert Pattinson to sop up the mess.
“Mr. Pattinson’s unwashed hair has proven capable of holding grease and oil in quantities comparable to the oil spill,” said Coast Guard spokesman Noah Swayne. Swayne noted that the spill is releasing more than 200,000 gallons of oil a day.
“If we start dunking [Mr. Pattinson's] head into the briny deep tomorrow, we should have the water cleaned up in two or three days.”
NASA Satellite Photo Shows Lone User of Electricity During Earth Hour: A Tennessee Mansion Owned By a Mr. Albert Gore
FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Al Gore has been charged with a felony for perpetrating a hoax on the American people in connection with his work in publicizing the purported seriousness of climate change.
The charge was leveled after Gore made an appearance on CNN with six-year-old Falcon Heene, and Falcon blurted out “we did this climate change thing for a show.” Falcon’s comment spurred a massive investigation that police say produced “irrefutable evidence” that climate change is a fraud.
Before it was found to be a lie, Gore’s madcap, publicity-hungry stunt shaped public policy at the highest levels of government to reduce emissions of greenhouse gases. It turns out that reduction of greenhouse gases has no impact on the environment.
WASHINGTON – President Obama said the bad weather in the final days of his family’s vacation on Martha’s Vineyard was caused by the Bush administration.
“We did our best to have a relaxing family vacation, despite the mess we inherited,” said the President.
Obama said that climate change, which the Bush administration refused to address, and, of course, former Vice President Cheney, caused the bad weather. Senator Patrick Leahy called for a Congressional investigation.