Executor of Johnny Carson’s Estate Wants to Host ‘Tonight Show,’ Leno To Be Bumped

johnny_carson1

Jan 18

“Tonight Show” Shakeup: NBC Switches Conans, Says No One Will Notice

arnie-conan

Jan 13

GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Hillary Bares All For Playgirl

The long-awaited photos from Hillary Clinton’s Playgirl photo shoot arrive on the iconic magazine’s website later today.  The magazine assures us that, unlike last week’s disappointing Levi Johnston photos, the Hillary pictures include plenty of penis shots.  In the meantime, we have a sneak preview (NSFW), after the jump:

Read more

Nov 23

Max Schreck: “I Should Have Been In Twilight”

NosferatuHOLLYWOOD - Max Schreck, the world’s most beloved on-screen vampire and star of the 1922 classic “Nosferatu,” is furious that the producers of the “Twilight” film series didn’t offer him a role.

Mr. Schreck made his feelings known in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight anchorwoman Mary Hart that aired last night.

“What does Robert Pattison have that I don’t have?” he asked. “Do the hacks running these studios really believe that millions of teenage girls are going to flock to theaters to see that pasty-faced twit? Mark my words: this picture is going to be a bigger disaster than the Hindenburg. And believe me, I know. I flew Hindenburg on my first trip to the states.”

Read more

Nov 23

Bela Lugosi: “Let’s Get the Old Gang Together and Remake ‘Twilight’ the Right Way!”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Guest Critic Bela Lugosi

In three weeks, the pea-brained, estrogen-poisoned teenage girls of America will be flocking to see the next abomination in the “Twilight Saga,” which they’ve deluded themselves into thinking are vampire flicks.

The “Twilight” films are not vampire flicks.

I cannot write what “Twilight” really is because this is a family news outlet, but suffice it to say that “Twilight” was the worst motion picture ever produced. The video from an ATM surveillance camera is better than this drek. “Twilight” was an open sewer, a damnable pit of putrefaction, an atrocity, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten and putrid in the debris of human depravity.

Read more

Oct 30

Paul Anka to Get Royalties for “Happy Birthday”

birthday_cakeHOLLYWOOD – Singer-Songwriter Paul Anka will receive royalties every time “Happy Birthday” is sung, under a deal struck last night by Anka’s attorneys and ASCAP and BMI. 

The deal averted a lawsuit that stemmed from an incident last week in a Florida family-style restaurant.  Anka was dining at the Orlando Golden Corral when he overheard a family singing “Happy Birthday” in celebration of a 7-year-old girl’s birthday. 

It turns out Anka wrote the song in 1983 under a different title, “The One I left Behind,” as a disco hit for The Bee Gees.  Anka walked over to the table and interrupted the song: ”You have a major, major problem on your hands,” Anka told the girl, “and I am going to sue you if they start singing again.”  The girl’s family immediately realized their legal exposure and contacted ASCAP and BMI.

Under the terms of the settlement, Anka will get 73.15 cents every time the song is sung anywhere in the world and stands to earn billions of dollars each year.

Oct 14

Shocker: PA Sen. Bob Casey Was “Sleep Double” For Boyfriend in “Paranormal Activity”

paranormal_gd-1

Oct 12

Sacheen Littlefeather Slated to Interrupt Oscar Acceptance Speeches On Behalf Of Kanye West

SacheenHOLLYWOOD – American singer/rapper Kanye West promised that he would not disrupt the 2010 Academy Awards ceremony, to be held in February at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, the way he disrupted the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards by interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. 

West said he has retained American Indian activist Sacheen Littlefeather to interrupt each of the Oscars acceptance speeches.

West has instructed Ms. Littlefeather to announce that, regardless of the award, Beyoncé should have won it instead.

Oct 9

Kanye West Interrupts Nobel Prize Winner’s Acceptance Speech

kanye_west_taylor_swiftOSLO - American entertainer Kanye West interrupted the Nobel Prize ceremony yesterday to condemn the selection of three scientists for the Nobel Prize in chemistry.

Mr. West, who was seated at a table near the front of the dais, took the microphone from the hands of Nobel Prize Luncheon Master of Ceremonies Bob Eubanks and began his harangue.  ”I don’t mean to be rude or nothin, but these guys don’t know nothin’ about the structure and function of the ribosome. This award belongs to Beyonce’.”  

The three momentarily stunned winners, Venkatraman Ramakrishnan of Cambridge University, Thomas Steitz of Yale University, and Ada Yonath of the Weizmann Institute of Science in Tel Aviv, Israel, briefly huddled together before bludgeoning Mr. West with the Nobel Prize.

Read more

Oct 8

Mother Angelica: “I Had An Inappropriate Imaginary Relationship With Johnny Weissmuller”

glenn36NEW YORK - Mother Angelica shocked her studio audience last night by revealing that she once had what she called an “inappropriate imaginary relationship” with former matinee idol and Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weissmuller. 

“Do you have time for a story?” she asked, before launching into a mesmerizing eleven minute monologue that was at times both uncomfortable and spellbinding.

“I spent a good part of every day gazing at Johnny’s picture, imagining what it would be like to live in a jungle tree house with a chimpanzee,” she said. “I fantasized about enjoying a chaste relationship with a man who walked the Earth wearing only a loincloth. Eventually, I went too far. I drew a heart, and in the middle I wrote ‘Anjelica + Johnny.’ I’ve carried that shame for seventy years.”

Read more

Oct 7

Apple To Reissue Entire Yoko Ono Catalog

yoko-onoLONDON – In a move sure to please auditory masochists the world over, Apple, Inc. announced yesterday that it will reissue the entire Yoko Ono back catalog of recordings just in time for the holiday shopping season.

The reissue project was overseen by Abbey Road chief engineer Sir George Martin and has been under way for nearly four years. Sir George explained that the new sonically enhanced recordings will provide fans with a listening experience like no other.

“We’ve used the latest in digital technology to bring Ms. Ono’s, um, what’s the word I’m looking for here?  Uh, music, if you will, into the modern age. Now, when you hear her shrieking, it’s like she’s standing right in front of you, wailing like the hounds of hell.”

Read more

Oct 6

Swiss Police Arrest Director of “Howard the Duck” on U.S. Request

Howard_the_Duck_DVD_ReviewZURICH – Just hours after Swiss police arrested film director Roman Polanski on charges that he fled the U.S. after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse, they arrested director Willard Huyck on charges that he directed “Howard the Duck” in 1986, considered to be among the worst films of all time, authorities said Sunday.

Huyck fled to Paris immediately after directing “Howard the Duck” and has been in hiding there ever since.  He came to Zurich on Saturday evening to attend the Zurich Film Festival, and was nabbed at the Zurich Airport.

French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand said he was “overjoyed” by Huyck’s arrest, adding that he “strongly hopes that [Huyck] is put through an ordeal comparable to the one he forced the movie-going public to experience with the damn ’Duck’ film.”

Sep 28

“Guiding Light” Signs Off After 72 Years, CBS Offers DVD Box Set of All 18,360 Episodes

elderly-manNEW YORK – CBS ended the 72-year run of the granddaddy of all soap operas, “Guiding Light,” in a tearful finale last Friday.  “Guiding Light” began as a serial on NBC Radio on Jan. 25, 1937. 

Within hours, 103-year-old Samuel Blatchford, who has starred as leading man Ellis Smith in every episode of the show on both radio and television, appeared on QVC to hawk the just-released complete DVD box set of all 18,360 episodes.  “The entire series can be watched in less than three years, if you watch it straight through,” Blatchford explained.

CBS revealed it was besieged with calls and emails about the last episode, as “Guiding Light” devotees said they felt cheated.  Inexplicably, the entire cast was costumed as Rusian Jews circa 1900.  Near the end of the show, a constable arrived to tell everyone that they must pack up and leave their town of Anatevka.  The closing shot showed longtime “Guiding Light” star Robert Newman, his wife Golde, and two of their children leaving the village for America.  Suddenly, a fiddler on a roof began to play. Newman beckoned with a nod, and the fiddler followed them out of the village.

Read more

Sep 21

Rep. Joe Wilson Apologizes For Heckling Kanye West While West Was Humiliating Taylor Swift

Joe Wilson

Sep 15

Kanye West Crashes Hillary Clinton Speech

KanyeHillaryAngry rapper grabs mic, insists Beyonce should have been named Secretary of State

Sep 13

Coroner Declares Jackson “King of Prop”

KingofProp

Aug 25

Prof. Gates Joins Cast of Heist Film “Oceans Fourteen”

p36Gates_385x185_593212aHOLLYWOOD – Harvard scholar Henry Louis Gates Jr., who found himself at the center of a national debate over racial profiling when he was arrested after being mistaken for a burglar, has been added to the cast of colorful characters for the upcoming heist film “Oceans Fourteen,” the third sequel to “Oceans Eleven.”  Gates is slated to play Carmen Rubenstein, described in a press release as “a crackerjack burglar who brazenly steals by breaking into the front door.  Rubenstein eludes arrest because of his uncanny ability to play the race card.” 

According to sources close to the project, Gates and a cast of Hollywood luminaries that includes George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon play a ragtag team of crooks who take it on themselves to break into the Mexican Mint in order to bail out the state of California, which is teetering on the brink of bankruptcy.  Cambridge, Mass. Police Sgt. James Crowley has been signed to play their nemesis. 

Next summer, Gates will star in the big screen remake of the ’60s television hit “It Takes a Thief,” about a cat burglar who steals to finance his lavish lifestyle.

Jul 28

Chris Brown Videotapes Apology to Rihanna

ChrisBrownApology“Bitch better accept it, or else!” says contrite rapper

Jul 22

Paris Jackson Reacts Tearfully Upon Realizing Jacko Couldn’t Be Her Father – “Because I’m White”

Paris

Jul 9

← Previous Page — Next Page →