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- Parker Brothers Take Their Own Lives
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WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House insiders say that President Bush has spent the past several days secretly studying a bootleg copy of Oliver Stone’s “W,” based on the President’s life, and that he has taken to imitating Josh Brolin’s portrayal of him down to the most minute details.
Bush routinely recites Brolin’s dialogue, making sure to get the inflection exactly right, even if the words have no application to the conversation.
Bush was so impressed with Richard Dreyfuss’ portrayal of Dick Cheney in the film that he is pressuring Cheney to resign in favor of the 60-year-old actor.
Duo’s new rock band will be called “Change of Heart”
Authorities say actor “inhaled some smoke,” won’t say what kind
HOLLYWOOD - Comedian Bill Maher was forced to cancel public appearances in support of his new film Religulous this weekend after he mysteriously developed wounds to his hands, forehead and side eerily similar to the wounds suffered by Jesus Christ during His arrest and crucifixion.
Mr. Maher discovered the wounds while shaking hands with Larry King on CNN’s Larry King Show Friday night. Mr. King recoiled at Mr. Maher’s touch and accidentally wiped blood on his suspenders. Mr. Maher began apologizing and offered to pay for Mr. King’s dry cleaning.
It’s probably just an allergic reaction to some bad shellfish I had the other day,” said Mr. Maher, before collapsing with what he described as searing abdominal pain. “It’s like a lance is shredding my skin and wrapping itself around my intestines,” he cried.
Neurologists call frenetic speed, rhythm of candidates’ delivery “greatest televised threat” to public health since Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video
Horse: “My equine friends snicker and ask me if I’m ‘hung like a Harry Potter.’”
Salieri’s descendant says “it stinks”
PARIS - Experts in Germanic music of the late 18th Century concluded that a composition discovered in a French library was written in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s own hand between 1787 and 1791, and that in every detail — from its melody to its harmony to its instrumentation — it is identical to “See You Again,” the hit single by American teen pop star Miley Cyrus.
Ms. Cyrus called the revelation ”sweet” and suggested she might pose for provocative photographs with a Mozart look-alike to draw attention to the news. “You know — bare back, the whole thing.”
In New York City, Tony Salieri, a pizza delivery man for Lombardi’s in Little Italy who is a descendant of Mozart’s rival, composer Antonio Salieri, declared the composition “a piece of dreck. Typical of Mozart.”
Mickey Mouse to be named “honorary Jew,” circumcised in grand opening extravaganza; “Jihad Cruise” and “Hall of Infidels” will be first rides to open
WASHINGTON - In a last-ditch effort to rescue Lehman Brothers from financial ruin, President Bush announced that after hours of negotiation, he has brokered a deal to merge investment bankers Emanuel and Mayer Lehman with Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.
“Those vivacious gals will keep the brothers on their toes,” the President chuckled. ”And because the Spears girls are loaded, both financially and otherwise, they’ll be able to help the boys through this tough time they’re having with their little bank.”
The president said that the merger would not be ”a one-way street” but that the Lehman Brothers would lend much-needed stability to the Spears sisters, whose personal problems have been widely reported in the past year. “I think [the Lehmans] are Orthodox Jews,” the president whispered. “So you know they won’t take any crap from Britney and Jamie Lynn.”
A Spears family publicist said the sisters appreciate the president’s hard work in arranging the merger, but it is “not yet finalized,” and the Spears sisters “need some questions answered first.” Chief among them: whether it’s true that both Emanuel and Mayer Lehman are more than 180-years-old.
ROME - Controversial American pop star Madonna dedicated her performance of “Like a Virgin” to Pope Benedict XVI before a full-house at the Coors Light Mussolini Amphitheater Sunday night, only to have her magnanimous gesture topped by The Holy Father the next day.
Following the entrance hymn at Monday morning’s 6:30 Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica, the Pope made his announcement to a standing-room only congregation.
“I’m dedicating the Gospel acclamation during today’s liturgy to Madonna because I am a child of God,” he said. ”All of you are also children of God.”
ATLANTA - The Weather Channel has hired singer Tina Turner as a special correspondent to file reports on Hurricane Ike, who is delivering a heavy beating to Cuba as we go to press and is expected to batter the United States when he arrives sometime later this week.
Weather Channel Hurricane expert Dr. Greg Forbes said Ms. Turner is “the logical choice” to report on Ike’s “rain” of terror.
“Ike is packing quite a punch right now, and it appears he will be administering a heavy blow to the Southeast coast. As someone who has absorbed, and survived, the kind of terrifying punishment that Ike can dish out, Ms. Turner will provide an example of the enduring qualities of the human spirit to viewers and victims who may be facing his wrath in the days ahead.”
Mourners have difficulty understanding sermon at funeral because minister’s voice sounded like a muted trombone
On his deathbed, Lafontaine saw his life flash before his eyes – and was surprised it included footage that didn’t make it into the finished product.
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