According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.

A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.”  The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment.

Several weeks ago, at the conclusion of the first leg of a concert tour through the British Isles, the other members of the famous trio, Simon and Theodore, left for India to study transcendental meditation with the Maharashi. Mr. Seville’s publicist said they had been informed, and were in shock.

Around the world, grieving fans poured into streets carrying candles and placards in spontaneous celebrations of the life and career of the dulcet-toned woodland creature who captivated audiences for over forty years.

The Chipmunks’ sold-out Christmas show at the Royal Albert Hall scheduled for tomorrow evening has been canceled.

Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.

Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure.  It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing something good.

“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ’93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Noah Swayne, Chairman of the defunct Muscular Dystrophy Association.  ”I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare.  The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.”  Swayne shakes his head sadly.  “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy.  He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”

Mr. Lewis briefly spoke with reporters.  “Where’s Ed?” Lewis screamed, referring to his late sidekick, Ed McMahon, who died last year.

Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment.  Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.

“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling.  “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”

An advance copy of Mr. Lindelof’s script calls for the underwater detonation of a thermonuclear device that will rip a hole in the time-space continuum, allowing BP engineers to go back in time and replace the faulty valve before the explosion ever occurs.

“I’m just hoping the President will let us have one of his old nuclear weapons,” said Mr. Cuse. 

When Mr. Hayward read a copy of the Lindelof script, he was exuberant. “Why this is the most plausible solution yet.  It’s a pity we didn’t hire these fellows sooner.”

According to the CBS press release that accompanied the pilot episode, “CSI Des Moines is an attempt to bring all of the melodrama and sexual tension that come with every police investigation in glamorous big cities like Miami and Las Vegas to the towns, villages and hamlets of our nation’s heartland.”

In last night’s debut, the two lead investigators valiantly struggled to piece together the sequence of events that led to a grisly cow tipping while dealing with swarming mosquitoes.   Future installments will deal with a massacre at a 4H club meeting, and a series of suspicious poisonings at a local strawberry festival.

“If I wanted to see Ma and Pa Kettle at the morgue, I’d rent the movie” said USA Today’s Robert Bianco.  “This CSI is DOA.  Whoever heard of a female crime scene investigator examining a corpse without exposing her cleavage?  And how many times can you look at the same barn?” wrote Tom Shales of The Washington Post.

For the moment, the negative reviews aren’t having an impact on CBS executives.  A spin-off from the creator of the CSI franchise, “DMV Los Angeles,” will premiere as a summer replacement series next month.

“I’m taking a few weeks off from destroying the British Empire to perform an even greater service,” said the bronze stringbean. “Millions of people see these gentleman punch, slap, and choke each other on a routine basis. I shudder to think of the impression they are making on children.” 

An enraged Moe Howard, de facto head Stooge, quickly challenged Mr. Gandhi’s claim. “Why don’t you mind your own business?” he shouted, before slapping the Mahatma across the face.

A moment later, Curly Howard began making a rapid movement of his hand up and down in front of Mr. Gandhi’s face, which caused Mr. Gandhi to begin jerking his head back and forth in time with Mr. Howard’s hand.

The spectacle ended when Larry Fine placed Mr. Gandhi’s nose between a pair of pliers and dragged him across the studio floor.

After enduring several more minutes of kicks, ear-pulls and hammer blows to the head, Mr. Gandhi took his leave. “I don’t think they’re ready for my teachings yet,” he said, before collapsing.

In light of the revelation, 20th Century Fox has ordered director James Cameron to trim 15 minutes from his 1997 epic Titanic to maintain the film’s historical accuracy. 

The studio has instructed Cameron “not” to excise the Kate Winslet nude scene.