Our Teen Film Critic Blogs From The Oscars

teencUntitledabcCommentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Teen Film Critic, Noah Swayne, Jr.

Hey, dudes, I’m chillaxin here at the kewl Oscars Governors Ball, chowing down sushi, poached shrimp, lobster tails and mussels. Some old lady — she must be 32 – iced out with some serious bling bling, is all up in my grill, verbally bitch slapping me and everything because I’m balls deep texting this to you, instead of beatin’ dem cakes with her — fo’ shizzle!– which is really krunk and everything because, like, she’s got a nice chassy. But I’m getting this report out of the the way right now because as soon as I get back to my phat hotel room at the Renaissance, a couple hundred feet away, I’ll be knocking boots with the GF — likely three times (haha — I can do that three times because I’m the TEEN critic).  So as you can imagine, I won’t have time to do this later.

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Mar 8

Police Alarmed By Message From Capitol Records Tower

capitol-records-245x300Police say they are alarmed that the blinking light atop the iconic Capitol Records Tower in Hollywood stopped spelling out “HOLLYWOOD” in Morse code sometime over the weekend and started spelling out “HELP THEY’RE GOING TO KILL ME.”

Mar 2

Sea World Assures Trainers: ‘It Will Be Safe To Do Act With Killer Whale on Fridays in Lent’

shamu“The whale is Catholic, so he won’t eat you on Fridays in Lent.”

Feb 25

Most Popular New Defense for Bank Robbery: ‘I Thought I Was In Rip Torn’s House’

Robber

Feb 25

Local Man Blasts Sports Illustrated’s Annual Bikini Smutfest

SportsIllustratedTO THE EDITOR, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: As the father of two red-blooded, heterosexual, all-American teenage boys ages 15 and 17, I have long believed that your magazine fills the gaping hole left in our cultural milieu in those years the Olympics aren’t held.  Where else can we follow sports nobody cares about (e.g.,women’s sports, sports that originated in other countries, etc.) alongside the real ones?  Where else can we thrill to extreme close-ups of the misshapen scowls of athletes who’ve just taken a direct hit to the danglers?

My love affair with SI ended forever last week when the latest issue arrived in the mail, your annual “swimsuit edition.”  Instead of being greeted, as I had hoped, by some Olympic athlete I’d never heard of on the cover, I was assaulted by a sneering, 22-year-old Brooklyn Decker, bikini top gently resting on her left shoulder instead of straining to cloak her burgeoning swell.  She taunted my inability to reach through the photograph to cup, stroke and knead her tantalizing, surging offerings.  

Words can’t describe my palpable disgust. I knew immediately that the garbage bin wasn’t enough for this cesspool; it would require the heavy-duty shredder usually reserved for my Visa card statement with the charges too complicated to explain to my wife.  I would destroy this abomination as quietly as possible so that my boys would never learn that Time, Inc. sought to dictate their masturbatory schedules.

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Feb 15

Mrs. Obama’s War On Obese Children To “Make Example” of Spanky McFarland

spanky

 

Beloved “Little Rascals” star shipped to Gitmo for waterboarding, sweat lodge ceremony

Feb 10

Executor of Johnny Carson’s Estate Wants to Host ‘Tonight Show,’ Leno To Be Bumped

johnny_carson1

Jan 18

“Tonight Show” Shakeup: NBC Switches Conans, Says No One Will Notice

arnie-conan

Jan 13

GOP Leaders Call for James Cameron to Step Down as King of the World, Say “Unfair Double Standard” Allowed Director to Create Na’vi Dialect

james-cameron“Trent Lott never would have been able to get away with that,” said party chairman Michael Steele

Jan 13

Alvin Found Dead in London Hotel Room, Chipmunks Cancel Remainder of European Tour

alvin1LONDON – Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend.

According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.

A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.”  The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment.

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Dec 17

Hillary Bares All For Playgirl

The long-awaited photos from Hillary Clinton’s Playgirl photo shoot arrive on the iconic magazine’s website later today.  The magazine assures us that, unlike last week’s disappointing Levi Johnston photos, the Hillary pictures include plenty of penis shots.  In the meantime, we have a sneak preview (NSFW), after the jump:

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Nov 23

Max Schreck: “I Should Have Been In Twilight”

NosferatuHOLLYWOOD - Max Schreck, the world’s most beloved on-screen vampire and star of the 1922 classic “Nosferatu,” is furious that the producers of the “Twilight” film series didn’t offer him a role.

Mr. Schreck made his feelings known in an exclusive interview with Entertainment Tonight anchorwoman Mary Hart that aired last night.

“What does Robert Pattison have that I don’t have?” he asked. “Do the hacks running these studios really believe that millions of teenage girls are going to flock to theaters to see that pasty-faced twit? Mark my words: this picture is going to be a bigger disaster than the Hindenburg. And believe me, I know. I flew Hindenburg on my first trip to the states.”

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Nov 23

Bela Lugosi: “Let’s Get the Old Gang Together and Remake ‘Twilight’ the Right Way!”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Guest Critic Bela Lugosi

In three weeks, the pea-brained, estrogen-poisoned teenage girls of America will be flocking to see the next abomination in the “Twilight Saga,” which they’ve deluded themselves into thinking are vampire flicks.

The “Twilight” films are not vampire flicks.

I cannot write what “Twilight” really is because this is a family news outlet, but suffice it to say that “Twilight” was the worst motion picture ever produced. The video from an ATM surveillance camera is better than this drek. “Twilight” was an open sewer, a damnable pit of putrefaction, an atrocity, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten and putrid in the debris of human depravity.

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Oct 30

Paul Anka to Get Royalties for “Happy Birthday”

birthday_cakeHOLLYWOOD – Singer-Songwriter Paul Anka will receive royalties every time “Happy Birthday” is sung, under a deal struck last night by Anka’s attorneys and ASCAP and BMI. 

The deal averted a lawsuit that stemmed from an incident last week in a Florida family-style restaurant.  Anka was dining at the Orlando Golden Corral when he overheard a family singing “Happy Birthday” in celebration of a 7-year-old girl’s birthday. 

It turns out Anka wrote the song in 1983 under a different title, “The One I left Behind,” as a disco hit for The Bee Gees.  Anka walked over to the table and interrupted the song: ”You have a major, major problem on your hands,” Anka told the girl, “and I am going to sue you if they start singing again.”  The girl’s family immediately realized their legal exposure and contacted ASCAP and BMI.

Under the terms of the settlement, Anka will get 73.15 cents every time the song is sung anywhere in the world and stands to earn billions of dollars each year.

Oct 14

Shocker: PA Sen. Bob Casey Was “Sleep Double” For Boyfriend in “Paranormal Activity”

paranormal_gd-1

Oct 12

Sacheen Littlefeather Slated to Interrupt Oscar Acceptance Speeches On Behalf Of Kanye West

SacheenHOLLYWOOD – American singer/rapper Kanye West promised that he would not disrupt the 2010 Academy Awards ceremony, to be held in February at the Kodak Theater in Hollywood, the way he disrupted the 2009 MTV Video Music Awards by interrupting Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. 

West said he has retained American Indian activist Sacheen Littlefeather to interrupt each of the Oscars acceptance speeches.

West has instructed Ms. Littlefeather to announce that, regardless of the award, Beyoncé should have won it instead.

Oct 9

Kanye West Interrupts Nobel Prize Winner’s Acceptance Speech

kanye_west_taylor_swiftOSLO - American entertainer Kanye West interrupted the Nobel Prize ceremony yesterday to condemn the selection of three scientists for the Nobel Prize in chemistry.

Mr. West, who was seated at a table near the front of the dais, took the microphone from the hands of Nobel Prize Luncheon Master of Ceremonies Bob Eubanks and began his harangue.  ”I don’t mean to be rude or nothin, but these guys don’t know nothin’ about the structure and function of the ribosome. This award belongs to Beyonce’.”  

The three momentarily stunned winners, Venkatraman Ramakrishnan of Cambridge University, Thomas Steitz of Yale University, and Ada Yonath of the Weizmann Institute of Science in Tel Aviv, Israel, briefly huddled together before bludgeoning Mr. West with the Nobel Prize.

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Oct 8

Mother Angelica: “I Had An Inappropriate Imaginary Relationship With Johnny Weissmuller”

glenn36NEW YORK - Mother Angelica shocked her studio audience last night by revealing that she once had what she called an “inappropriate imaginary relationship” with former matinee idol and Olympic swimming champion Johnny Weissmuller. 

“Do you have time for a story?” she asked, before launching into a mesmerizing eleven minute monologue that was at times both uncomfortable and spellbinding.

“I spent a good part of every day gazing at Johnny’s picture, imagining what it would be like to live in a jungle tree house with a chimpanzee,” she said. “I fantasized about enjoying a chaste relationship with a man who walked the Earth wearing only a loincloth. Eventually, I went too far. I drew a heart, and in the middle I wrote ‘Anjelica + Johnny.’ I’ve carried that shame for seventy years.”

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Oct 7

Apple To Reissue Entire Yoko Ono Catalog

yoko-onoLONDON – In a move sure to please auditory masochists the world over, Apple, Inc. announced yesterday that it will reissue the entire Yoko Ono back catalog of recordings just in time for the holiday shopping season.

The reissue project was overseen by Abbey Road chief engineer Sir George Martin and has been under way for nearly four years. Sir George explained that the new sonically enhanced recordings will provide fans with a listening experience like no other.

“We’ve used the latest in digital technology to bring Ms. Ono’s, um, what’s the word I’m looking for here?  Uh, music, if you will, into the modern age. Now, when you hear her shrieking, it’s like she’s standing right in front of you, wailing like the hounds of hell.”

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Oct 6

Swiss Police Arrest Director of “Howard the Duck” on U.S. Request

Howard_the_Duck_DVD_ReviewZURICH – Just hours after Swiss police arrested film director Roman Polanski on charges that he fled the U.S. after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse, they arrested director Willard Huyck on charges that he directed “Howard the Duck” in 1986, considered to be among the worst films of all time, authorities said Sunday.

Huyck fled to Paris immediately after directing “Howard the Duck” and has been in hiding there ever since.  He came to Zurich on Saturday evening to attend the Zurich Film Festival, and was nabbed at the Zurich Airport.

French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand said he was “overjoyed” by Huyck’s arrest, adding that he “strongly hopes that [Huyck] is put through an ordeal comparable to the one he forced the movie-going public to experience with the damn ’Duck’ film.”

Sep 28

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