LONDON – Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend.
According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.
A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.” The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment.
Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.
Jerry Lewis Still Doing Telethon – Because No One Has the Heart to Tell Him Muscular Dystrophy Was Cured 15 Years Ago
LAS VEGAS – Comic legend Jerry Lewis, 84, finished his annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago.
Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure. It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing something good.
“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ’93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Noah Swayne, Chairman of the defunct Muscular Dystrophy Association. ”I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare. The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.” Swayne shakes his head sadly. “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy. He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”
Mr. Lewis briefly spoke with reporters. “Where’s Ed?” Lewis screamed, referring to his late sidekick, Ed McMahon, who died last year.
HOLLYWOOD - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward announced yesterday that the company has abandoned efforts to cap the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and, instead, has hired Damen Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to devise a conclusion to the ecological disaster that will satisfy both critics and the general public.
Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment. Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.
“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling. “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”
HOLLYWOOD - The fall television season is more than four months away but that didn’t stop television critics from savaging an advanced screening of the newest entry in the popular CSI franchise: “CSI Des Moines.”
According to the CBS press release that accompanied the pilot episode, “CSI Des Moines is an attempt to bring all of the melodrama and sexual tension that come with every police investigation in glamorous big cities like Miami and Las Vegas to the towns, villages and hamlets of our nation’s heartland.”
In last night’s debut, the two lead investigators valiantly struggled to piece together the sequence of events that led to a grisly cow tipping while dealing with swarming mosquitoes. Future installments will deal with a massacre at a 4H club meeting, and a series of suspicious poisonings at a local strawberry festival.
Carbolic Flashback: May 19, 1945: Three Stooges Meet Gandhi, Debate Merits of Non-Violent Resistance
HOLLYWOOD - Mohandas K. Gandhi, bespectacled leader of the Indian independence movement, visited the Three Stooges on the set of their latest Columbia Studio picture, ”Sari Saps,” yesterday and challenged the boys to use his theory of non-violent resistance in their act.
“I’m taking a few weeks off from destroying the British Empire to perform an even greater service,” said the bronze stringbean. “Millions of people see these gentleman punch, slap, and choke each other on a routine basis. I shudder to think of the impression they are making on children.”
An enraged Moe Howard, de facto head Stooge, quickly challenged Mr. Gandhi’s claim. “Why don’t you mind your own business?” he shouted, before slapping the Mahatma across the face.
King Features Syndicate Reveals New “Mary Worth” Strip in Which Mary Has Coffee With the Prophet Mohammed
Titanic Sank Faster Than Previously Believed, Director James Cameron Ordered to Trim 15 Minutes From His Epic “Titanic” To Keep It Accurate
FALMOUTH, Mass. – The discovery of two large pieces of Titanic’s hull on the ocean’s floor indicates that the fabled ocean liner sank faster than previously believed, by about 15 minutes, experts revealed on the anniversary of the famous ship’s collision with an iceberg.
In light of the revelation, 20th Century Fox has ordered director James Cameron to trim 15 minutes from his 1997 epic Titanic to maintain the film’s historical accuracy.
The studio has instructed Cameron “not” to excise the Kate Winslet nude scene.
Actor’s insistence on playing John Wilkes Booth in “Robin” costume mars documentary
HOLLYWOOD – “The Man Who Shot Lincoln” airing tonight, the anniversary of the death of America’s 16th President, is a gritty and shockingly realistic portrayal of the events leading up the 1865 assassination of President Abraham Lincoln by John Wilkes Booth, a well-known and flamboyant actor of his day.
The documentary marks the return to prime time television of Burt Ward as Booth. Ward is best known for portraying “Robin, the Boy Wonder,” opposite Adam West in the 1960′s camp TV classic, Batman.
Ward insisted on playing Booth in his old “Robin” costume, and the results are mixed. At first the colorful costume proves somewhat of a distraction, but Ward’s performance is so sure of itself and his screen presence so commanding that ultimately it doesn’t matter.
Ward’s old mannerisms are still there, and they still work like a charm, from the quick-tempered habit of punching his fist into his other hand, to even blurting out “Holy states’ rights!” at one point.
DALLAS – Abraham Zapruder, 104, the Dallas women’s clothing manufacturer who famously filmed the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy in Dealey Plaza, was lured out of retirement to film a nude music video for Erykah Badu at the spot where the president was shot.
Badu, a Dallas native, was adamant that she wouldn’t undress for anyone except Zapruder. “I said, ‘it has to be Abe, or I walk.’”
Zapruder agreed, on condition that he be permitted to use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera he used to film the assassination. He also reverted to the time-honored film techniques he popularized, including handheld, shaking camera work to create the illusion of stark intimacy, a style imitated in countless films since 1963.
When it was over, Zapruder said it was “good to be back on the set,” and that he was “relieved nobody got hurt this time.” He added that he can’t understand all the fuss about him. “I’m not an auteur! I’m just a clothing manufacturer who got lucky!”
Carbolic Flashback: March 30, 1955 – Jay Silverheels, Worried About Typecasting, Will Leave The Lone Ranger After This Season
LOS ANGELES – Variety is reporting that Jay Silverheels, long-time co-star of the popular Western television show “The Lone Ranger,” will leave the program after this season.
According to the show-biz Bible, Mr. Silverheels is worried that audiences will forever identify him with the taciturn, monosyllabic sidekick he plays on the small screen, limiting his chances for future employment.
“I’m more than just Tonto,” Mr. Silverheels told columnist Army Archerd. “I’m a classically trained actor. I spent eight years at the Royal Shakespeare Academy in Cambridge working under John (Gielgud) and Larry (Olivier), for God’s sake.”
Earlier this week, former I Spy star Robert Culp joined a cavalcade of Hollywood has beens, including Peter Graves, Fess Parker, and Corey Haim, who have passed away in 2010.
Entertainment experts say the rash of deaths of “celebrities” whose fame peaked decades ago is reaching epidemic proportions.
“Where are the Michael Jacksons? The Anna Nicole Smiths? The Heath Ledgers?” moaned entertainment critic Noah Swayne.
“I’m sure that Fess Parker and Peter Graves and the others were very nice people,” said Mr. Swayne, “but if one more washed-up TV performer from the 50s or 60s dies and is treated as a true celebrity, it’s going to put me over the edge.”
Mr. Swayne revealed he has a “wish list” of major stars he hopes will die in 2010 “to bring things back into balance.”
BEVERLY HILLS - A tearful Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire and apostle of the Playboy lifestyle, announced yesterday at a news conference that he is entering a clinic to help him battle the scourge of sex addiction.
“Many of you in this room know me. Many of you in this room have worked for me. Many of you in this room have slept with me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior.”
Mr. Hefner went on to say he has been battling sex addiction for nearly eight decades.
“I realize now I’m not going to be able to beat this thing on my own.”
He added that he hoped going public with his illness would give other global pornographers the necessary courage to seek help for their common affliction.
Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Teen Film Critic, Noah Swayne, Jr.
Hey, dudes, I’m chillaxin here at the kewl Oscars Governors Ball, chowing down sushi, poached shrimp, lobster tails and mussels. Some old lady — she must be 32 – iced out with some serious bling bling, is all up in my grill, verbally bitch slapping me and everything because I’m balls deep texting this to you, instead of beatin’ dem cakes with her — fo’ shizzle!– which is really krunk and everything because, like, she’s got a nice chassy. But I’m getting this report out of the the way right now because as soon as I get back to my phat hotel room at the Renaissance, a couple hundred feet away, I’ll be knocking boots with the GF — likely three times (haha — I can do that three times because I’m the TEEN critic). So as you can imagine, I won’t have time to do this later.
Police say they are alarmed that the blinking light atop the iconic Capitol Records Tower in Hollywood stopped spelling out “HOLLYWOOD” in Morse code sometime over the weekend and started spelling out “HELP THEY’RE GOING TO KILL ME.”
Beloved “Little Rascals” star shipped to Gitmo for waterboarding, sweat lodge ceremony