-
Recent News Items
- Obama Admits He’s Pals With William Ayers, Vows to Have Ex-Terrorist Serve America by Bombing Wall Street
- Hecklers Call For Palin to Iron Their Shirts - And She Does It
- Carbolic Opinion Poll
- Underdog Scientists Win Nobel Prize for Chemistry, Winners Celebrate With Champagne Baths, Victory Cigars
- CAMPAIGN TRAIL SHOCKER: Obama Announces He’s Dropping Out of Race, Going on Tour With Ann Wilson
- McCain Caught on Video Using Hate Speech to Select a Donut
- AIG Execs Defend Swanky Junket, Say No Bailout Money Used to Pay For Event
-
Departments
-
Carbolic Archives
-
Search
Reports From the Trail
Duo’s new rock band will be called “Change of Heart”
Authorities say actor “inhaled some smoke,” won’t say what kind
HOLLYWOOD - Comedian Bill Maher was forced to cancel public appearances in support of his new film Religulous this weekend after he mysteriously developed wounds to his hands, forehead and side eerily similar to the wounds suffered by Jesus Christ during His arrest and crucifixion.
Mr. Maher discovered the wounds while shaking hands with Larry King on CNN’s Larry King Show Friday night. Mr. King recoiled at Mr. Maher’s touch and accidentally wiped blood on his suspenders. Mr. Maher began apologizing and offered to pay for Mr. King’s dry cleaning.
It’s probably just an allergic reaction to some bad shellfish I had the other day,” said Mr. Maher, before collapsing with what he described as searing abdominal pain. “It’s like a lance is shredding my skin and wrapping itself around my intestines,” he cried.
Neurologists call frenetic speed, rhythm of candidates’ delivery “greatest televised threat” to public health since Wang Chung’s “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” video
Horse: “My equine friends snicker and ask me if I’m ‘hung like a Harry Potter.’”
Salieri’s descendant says “it stinks”
PARIS - Experts in Germanic music of the late 18th Century concluded that a composition discovered in a French library was written in Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart’s own hand between 1787 and 1791, and that in every detail — from its melody to its harmony to its instrumentation — it is identical to “See You Again,” the hit single by American teen pop star Miley Cyrus.
Ms. Cyrus called the revelation ”sweet” and suggested she might pose for provocative photographs with a Mozart look-alike to draw attention to the news. “You know — bare back, the whole thing.”
In New York City, Tony Salieri, a pizza delivery man for Lombardi’s in Little Italy who is a descendant of Mozart’s rival, composer Antonio Salieri, declared the composition “a piece of dreck. Typical of Mozart.”
Mickey Mouse to be named “honorary Jew,” circumcised in grand opening extravaganza; “Jihad Cruise” and “Hall of Infidels” will be first rides to open
WASHINGTON - In a last-ditch effort to rescue Lehman Brothers from financial ruin, President Bush announced that after hours of negotiation, he has brokered a deal to merge investment bankers Emanuel and Mayer Lehman with Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears.
“Those vivacious gals will keep the brothers on their toes,” the President chuckled. ”And because the Spears girls are loaded, both financially and otherwise, they’ll be able to help the boys through this tough time they’re having with their little bank.”
The president said that the merger would not be ”a one-way street” but that the Lehman Brothers would lend much-needed stability to the Spears sisters, whose personal problems have been widely reported in the past year. “I think [the Lehmans] are Orthodox Jews,” the president whispered. “So you know they won’t take any crap from Britney and Jamie Lynn.”
A Spears family publicist said the sisters appreciate the president’s hard work in arranging the merger, but it is “not yet finalized,” and the Spears sisters “need some questions answered first.” Chief among them: whether it’s true that both Emanuel and Mayer Lehman are more than 180-years-old.
ROME - Controversial American pop star Madonna dedicated her performance of “Like a Virgin” to Pope Benedict XVI before a full-house at the Coors Light Mussolini Amphitheater Sunday night, only to have her magnanimous gesture topped by The Holy Father the next day.
Following the entrance hymn at Monday morning’s 6:30 Mass in St. Peter’s Basilica, the Pope made his announcement to a standing-room only congregation.
“I’m dedicating the Gospel acclamation during today’s liturgy to Madonna because I am a child of God,” he said. ”All of you are also children of God.”
ATLANTA - The Weather Channel has hired singer Tina Turner as a special correspondent to file reports on Hurricane Ike, who is delivering a heavy beating to Cuba as we go to press and is expected to batter the United States when he arrives sometime later this week.
Weather Channel Hurricane expert Dr. Greg Forbes said Ms. Turner is “the logical choice” to report on Ike’s “rain” of terror.
“Ike is packing quite a punch right now, and it appears he will be administering a heavy blow to the Southeast coast. As someone who has absorbed, and survived, the kind of terrifying punishment that Ike can dish out, Ms. Turner will provide an example of the enduring qualities of the human spirit to viewers and victims who may be facing his wrath in the days ahead.”
Mourners have difficulty understanding sermon at funeral because minister’s voice sounded like a muted trombone
On his deathbed, Lafontaine saw his life flash before his eyes – and was surprised it included footage that didn’t make it into the finished product.
LAS VEGAS - Comic legend Jerry Lewis is preparing for the 43d annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago.
Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure. It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing good.
“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ‘93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Lewis’ Telethon sidekick Ed McMahon. “I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare. The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.” McMahon shakes his head sadly. “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy. He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”
Pair dusting off classic “Who’s on First” routine for GOP convention.
NEW YORK - Giles French, a gentleman’s gentleman, was savagely beaten and left for dead in Central Park yesterday by a man witnesses identified as his employer, Bill Davis.
Mr. Davis, or as he is known to his intimates, “Uncle Bill,” is in police custody. His attorney, Owen Marshall, counselor at law, called the detainment of his client “unreasonable, unjustifiable, and unlawful.” He vowed he would have Mr. Davis out on the street in time to resume his duties as a swinging bachelor “by the cocktail hour.”
The circumstances surrounding the attack on Mr. French are unclear, but this much is known. Neighbors in the Fifth Avenue building that houses the condominium that Mr. Davis owns, a dwelling he shares with his niece, Cissy, and her two biracial children, overheard shouting and imprecations from behind the door.
-
About Carbolic
“One of America’s great web sites.” - Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
“The city’s equivalent of The Onion.” - The New York Times
Carbolic on Air
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Report airs every Friday — mornings with Jim Krenn and Randy Baumann, afternoons with Sean McDowell — on Pittsburgh’s top-rated radio station, 102.5 WDVE. Listen to the broadcasts here, and sample the archives here.
Carbolic in Print
The Carbolic Smoke Ball Page publishes every Monday in the Trib p.m., the afternoon edition of the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review. Read this week's copy here, and browse our archives here.
Contact Carbolic
thecarbolicsmokeball@gmail.com
Carbolic Smoke Ball Staff
Tim Murray, Founder/Editor-in-Chief
Bob Haas, Editor
Chad Hermann, Editorial Director
• • •
Sean Cannon, Ace Reporter
Neal Rosenblat, Writer/Designer
Todd Shaffer, Staff Writer
• • •
Timothy Stefko, Illustrator
The Voice, Radio Correspondent
The Mayor, Radio Personality
• • •
The Hon. Judge Rufus Peckham, Founder EmeritusCarbolic Wear
Carbolic WDVE Podcast
