Blog Archives

WVU Will Donate Unburned Couches To Haitian Relief

MORGANTOWN – President James Clements announced yesterday that West Virginia University would donate all unburned couches on campus to the citizens of Haiti to assist with earthquake relief efforts. Maintenance workers spent the better part of the last forty-eight hours disassembling what students were calling

Posted in Education, Sports

Prof. Amy Bishop’s Shooting Rampage Could Cost Her Tenure

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Some faculty members at the University of Alabama, Huntsville say that biology professor Amy Bishop’s shooting rampage, which left three dead and three others wounded, “could” cost her tenure. “The troubling part for me was that she killed only members of historically

Posted in Crime, Education

Obama Speech to Students Sent Out Hidden Communist Message Via High Frequency

WASHINGTON – Even adults who give the Obama administration low marks initially praised the President’s address to school children, which stressed the importance of staying in school.  But public opinion turned on the President when it was later revealed that during the speech, the White House emitted an ultra high-pitch

Posted in Education

University of Memphis English Department Chairman Heads to Kentucky

LEXINGTON – It’s official: Eric Link, the high-profile, charismatic chairman of the University of Memphis English Department has left the school to lead the English Department at the University of Kentucky. Late yesterday evening, Professor Link signed a nine year contract worth over thirty-eight million dollars. The move makes

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Posted in Education

College Dude’s Hook-Up Success Soars With Green Make-Out Sessions

PITTSBURGH – University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus “hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.” “I tell every [woman] I meet that if they

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Posted in Education, Local News

Undefeated M.I.T. Robotics Team Snubbed Yet Again by NCAA Selection Committee

Senior Co-Captains Keith Scollick and Seth Rosenbaum lament, “We never get any respect. Or any women.”

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Posted in Education, Sports, Tech

Pittsburgh School Chief to Dispose of Rancid Beef by Adding it to Pirates Roster

PITTSBURGH – The U.S. Department of Agriculture has ordered the Pittsburgh Public Schools to dispose of 8,500 pounds of tainted beef from a Chino, California, slaughterhouse by either taking it to a landfill or adding it to the Pittsburgh Pirates’

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Posted in Education, Sports

Ex-Teacher Who Took 13-Year-Old to Mexico for Sex Gets Six Year Sentence, Year Off For Good Technique

High school boys up in arms over lack of cases involving molestations by female teachers this semester.

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Posted in Education, Gender News

Cliffs Notes to Publish New “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes” Series

HOBOKEN, NJ – Cliffs Notes, Inc. today announced a whole new line of its popular literary study guides: “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes,” an abridged, dumbed-down version for students who don’t have the time, energy, or intellectual curiosity to read

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Posted in Business, Education, U.S. News

In Two Weeks Since Randy Pausch’s Death, Carnegie Mellon Web Traffic Down 700%

University President Jared Cohon urges other professors to become terminally ill, or “at least really, really sick,” to take advantage of school’s “historic momentum and media cachet”

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Posted in Education, U.S. News

Univ. of Pittsburgh Declares “Diversity Achieved” as Last Male Undergrad Drops Out

PITTSBURGH, PA – University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the  college’s last male undergraduate.  The student make-up is now entirely female. Mr. Johnson

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Posted in Education, Extras, Gender News, Life
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