MORGANTOWN - President James Clements announced yesterday that West Virginia University would donate all unburned couches on campus to the citizens of Haiti to assist with earthquake relief efforts.
Maintenance workers spent the better part of the last forty-eight hours disassembling what students were calling “The Couch of Babel,” a colossal couch structure Mountaineer fans hoped to ignite into a towering inferno once their basketball team won the NCAA men’s championship.
“Alas, it was not to be,” said President Clements, who addressed reporters in front of the tattered, weather-worn sofa resting on the front porch of his residence.
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Some faculty members at the University of Alabama, Huntsville say that biology professor Amy Bishop’s shooting rampage, which left three dead and three others wounded, ”could” cost her tenure.
“The troubling part for me was that she killed only members of historically disadvantaged groups, African-Americans and a South Asian,” explained one faculty member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I would have felt much better if she had targeted white males.”
Another professor wouldn’t rule out tenure for Bishop. “When you balance the pluses: she is a female from Harvard working in the sciences – against the minuses: she shot six people – it’s fairly close. I wouldn’t rule out tenure at some point. That’s assuming she doesn’t get the death penalty. If she does, I’d say she can forget tenure.”
WASHINGTON – Even adults who give the Obama administration low marks initially praised the President’s address to school children, which stressed the importance of staying in school.
But public opinion turned on the President when it was later revealed that during the speech, the White House emitted an ultra high-pitch frequency only children and teenagers can hear that was filled with Communist propaganda.
“We have determined that the sound was in the 24000 Hz range, and virtually no adult, much less a stodgy member of the GOP, could hear it,” explained Dr. Noah Swayne, Director of the Hoboken Medical Center Audiology Department. “We have deciphered the sound, and it is a screechy woman’s voice reading quotations from [Communist guru] Karl Marx. We think it was Hillary.”
Vice President Biden defended the White House’s action. “Hell, forget Karl Marx, did you know that if you play the speech backwards, you can hear the President say ‘Paul is Dead’? That is so cool.”
LEXINGTON - It’s official: Eric Link, the high-profile, charismatic chairman of the University of Memphis English Department has left the school to lead the English Department at the University of Kentucky.
Late yesterday evening, Professor Link signed a nine year contract worth over thirty-eight million dollars. The move makes him the highest paid department chair in American academia and ends days of media speculation over the issue.
It also immediately makes the Wildcat English Department relevant again. The position became available after Chancellor Daniel Boone XVI decided not to renew the contact of outgoing department chair Billy Faulkner.
Boone was effusive in his praise. ”I am excited that Eric Link is coming to our school. This guy can flat out teach.”
PITTSBURGH - University of Pittsburgh Junior Noah Swayne, 20, reports that his success on the campus ”hook up” scene has soared ever since he let it be known that his make-out sessions are “environmentally friendly.”
“I tell every [woman] I meet that if they come back to my dorm room [for casual sex] or [to administer oral sex to Mr. Swayne], I insist that we promote a healthy environment for romance.”
“That means, turning off the lights and using scented candles instead. It also means lowering the thermostat in favor of lots and lots more cuddling and hand-holding. And it means lots and lots of sharing feelings.”
PITTSBURGH – The U.S. Department of Agriculture has ordered the Pittsburgh Public Schools to dispose of 8,500 pounds of tainted beef from a Chino, California, slaughterhouse by either taking it to a landfill or adding it to the Pittsburgh Pirates’ roster. School Superintendent Mark Roosevelt said he has chosen the second option.
“I think [Pirates'] fans will notice a difference this season,” Roosevelt said. “The odor on the field should be about the same, but the team will be much improved.”
Ex-Teacher Who Took 13-Year-Old to Mexico for Sex Gets Six Year Sentence, Year Off For Good Technique
HOBOKEN, NJ – Cliffs Notes, Inc. today announced a whole new line of its popular literary study guides: “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes,” an abridged, dumbed-down version for students who don’t have the time, energy, or intellectual curiosity to read the original Cliffs Notes.
Wiliam J. Pesce, President and CEO of Wiley, the company that has owned and operated Cliffs Notes Inc. since 1998, said that these new versions would complement, rather than compete with, the company’s existing products. Pesce said the new Notes, which will include outlines, summaries, and recaps of the company’s previously published outlines, summaries, and recaps, are perfectly suited for the “lifestyle and education choices of today’s modern educational consumer.”
“In today’s fast-paced world, multi-tasking high school and college students have less time to not read than ever before,” Pesce said. ”Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes will help them not read even faster, so they can get the information they need to pass a pop quiz and still have plenty of time left over to drink, play video games, and text-message their friends.”
PITTSBURGH, PA – University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the college’s last male undergraduate. The student make-up is now entirely female.
Mr. Johnson explained that he dropped out of college in order to deliver pizzas full-time for his brother-in-law’s pizza shop. “I can just as easily play video games and surf the Web for porn without paying tuition,” he confided. Mr. Johnson did not elaborate because, he said, “I’m going to go [masturbate] now.”
Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson’s former dormitory, did not welcome the news. ”The women will miss having Johnson,” said sophomore Carla Vanga.