Ex-Teacher Who Took 13-Year-Old to Mexico for Sex Gets Six Year Sentence, Year Off For Good Technique

High school boys up in arms over lack of cases involving molestations by female teachers this semester.

Oct 1

Cliffs Notes to Publish New “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes” Series

HOBOKEN, NJ - Cliffs Notes, Inc. today announced a whole new line of its popular literary study guides: “Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes,” an abridged, dumbed-down version for students who don’t have the time, energy, or intellectual curiosity to read the original Cliffs Notes.

Wiliam J. Pesce, President and CEO of Wiley, the company that has owned and operated Cliffs Notes Inc. since 1998, said that these new versions would complement, rather than compete with, the company’s existing products.  Pesce said the new Notes, which will include outlines, summaries, and recaps of the company’s previously published outlines, summaries, and recaps, are perfectly suited for the “lifestyle and education choices of today’s modern educational consumer.” 

“In today’s fast-paced world, multi-tasking high school and college students have less time to not read than ever before,” Pesce said.  ”Cliffs Notes on Cliffs Notes will help them not read even faster, so they can get the information they need to pass a pop quiz and still have plenty of time left over to drink, play video games, and text-message their friends.”

Aug 20

In Two Weeks Since Randy Pausch’s Death, Carnegie Mellon Web Traffic Down 700%

University President Jared Cohon urges other professors to become terminally ill, or “at least really, really sick,” to take advantage of school’s “historic momentum and media cachet”

Aug 8

Univ. of Pittsburgh Declares “Diversity Achieved” as Last Male Undergrad Drops Out

PITTSBURGH, PA - University of Pittsburgh Dean of Students Velveeta Lugosi-Smith declared that the school “has finally achieved 100% diversity” following the departure of Edward Johnson, 19, the  college’s last male undergraduate.  The student make-up is now entirely female.

Mr. Johnson explained that he dropped out of college in order to deliver pizzas full-time for his brother-in-law’s pizza shop.  “I can just as easily play video games and surf the Web for porn without paying tuition,” he confided.  Mr. Johnson did not elaborate because, he said, “I’m going to go [masturbate] now.”

Female student residents at Litchfield Towers, Mr. Johnson’s former dormitory, did not welcome the news.  ”The women will miss having Johnson,” said sophomore Carla Vanga.

Read more

Jul 8

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