Recession Hits Church, Priests Resort to Pickpocketing

communionVATICAN CITY – Collections at Roman Catholic churches are down all over the world due to the recession, and more and more pastors are resorting to pickpocketing to fill the church’s coffers.

More than 50% of Catholics claim they’ve been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving communion.  Pickpocketing has helped some parishes increase their revenues by 40%. 

The more sophisticated operations have priests working in teams to pull off their larceny. 

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May 27

Obama Proposes Bailout for Las Vegas to Cure Recession That Started When He Told People Not To Go There

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Feb 4

Wal-Mart Now Hiring Actors to Play Fat White Women With Biracial Kids To Give Its Stores “Discount Feel”

Fat-Women-grocery-shopping-editedBENTONVILLE, Ark. - Wal-Mart announced that for the holiday season, it is looking to double the number of actors it uses to portray overweight, Caucasian female shoppers who waddle down its stores’ aisles with biracial children.

“The women need to be anywhere from 80 to 200 pounds overweight,” said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke.  “They must be able to slowly waddle down the aisle while pushing a cart filled with screaming biracial children.  They must not be afraid to slap and scream at the children.”  Mr. Duke said that every third white woman would be accompanied by a black male actor chewing a toothpick.

Mr. Duke explained that Wal-Mart shoppers don’t feel they are getting bargains unless they see the fat white women.  “Our research shows that subliminally, shoppers think, ‘Hey, if those slobs can afford to shop at Wal-Mart, then, wow!  I must be able to afford it, too.’”

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Nov 5

New Face of General Motors Revealed

teenagefrankensteinstillDETROIT – General Motors emerged from bankruptcy with a new look, and some witnesses claim that the once strapping auto industry leader has been turned into a grotesque abomination.

“When [U.S. Bankruptcy Judge Robert Gerber] removed the bandages,” said tipstaff Bradleys Roadhouse, “seven people fainted, it was so hideous. No one had the heart to tell General Motors, so we covered up the mirrors and kept repeating how good the new company looks.”

To make matters worse, auto industry insiders revealed that in stitching together the new General Motors, Judge Gerber accidentally used an “abnormal” brain. “The judge dropped the good brain he intended to use, so he grabbed the only one he could find — unfortunately, it once belonged to Lehman Brothers.”

Jul 13

Old Woman Who Lives In Shoe Facing Foreclosure

shoeNIKETOWN - The Old Woman who lives in a shoe filed emergency motions with a state appellate court yesterday in an effort to forestall foreclosure proceedings on the footwear that has been her primary residence for as long as anyone can remember.

“Like millions of other people, I was a victim of an unscrupulous lender,” said the Old Woman. “And I bought a new shoe that I couldn’t afford.”

The Old Woman has visited numerous credit counseling agencies and government offices looking for assistance to help make her mortgage payments, but so far she’s come up empty.

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May 8

Geithner: Administration Is Up To Task of Handling Financial Crisis

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Apr 24

Government to Back GM, Chrysler Warranties

barackstation“There’s your problem, ma’am. But don’t worry — it’s covered!”

Apr 3

Michael Moore Unveils New Film About His Quest to Track Down the Head of General Motors

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Mar 31

GM Buys Out CEO, Pays Him the 74 Cents Remaining On His One Dollar-Per-Year Contract

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Mar 30

Obama Replaces Geithner With Drunken Sailor

drunken-sailorObama: “Mr. Geithner was not spending money with sufficient rapidity or daring for my liking.”

Mar 26

AIG Insurance Agent Ned Ryerson Refuses to Repay Bonus

ned1PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA. – AIG insurance agent Ned Ryerson is the last of the failing company’s employees to refuse to repay the bonus he received. 

Ryerson’s bonus was part of the $165 million bonus package paid to AIG employees that has drawn the ire of the American citizens and lawmakers alike.

Ryerson, known to associates as “Needlenose Ned,” told a reporter that he “earned every penny” of his bonus by selling record amounts of insurance to Pittsburgh television meteorologist Phil Connors on February 2 of this year.

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Mar 25

China Forecloses on U.S., Seizes Statue of Liberty

photo-one-statue-of-libertyNEW YORK – Thousands of onlookers sadly watched as Chinese laborers dismantled the Statue of Liberty, loaded the pieces on a barge, and hauled them away on the first leg of a journey that will see Lady Liberty reassembled in Tiananmen Square.

The U.S. is in default in repaying China approximately one trillion dollars in U.S treasuries and could not raise the cash to keep the Chinese government from foreclosing on the Colossus of Liberty.

A Chinese official said that the Statue is not worth enough to substantially pay down the debt. “After all, it was made in France.” So next, the Chinese plan to foreclose on the Grand Canyon, he said.

Mar 23

Warren Buffet Spotted Bumming Change for Dinner

buffett3_2OMAHA, Nebraska – Iconic investor Warren Buffett, the “Oracle of Omaha” who last year was declared by Forbes Magazine to be the richest man in the world with a net worth valued at $62 billion, was spotted bumming for change last night so he could buy dinner.

Private banking documents obtained by this news source show that the Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway has maxed out on his credit cards and is unable to make even the minimum monthly payments.  “Warren is so broke, I saw a pigeon feeding him in the park,” said a friend who asked not to be named. 

Gorat’s Steak House in Omaha, a favorite Buffett hangout, told him his credit is no longer good there and that he’ll be served only if he pays with cash in advance.

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Mar 10

Taxpayers “Furious” About Footing the Bill for Dr. Frankenstein’s Monster

upmc-adaStinging news comes just days after taxpayers learn they will pay for Octuplets

 WASHINGTON - Taxpayers say they are outraged at news that the cost of creating and caring for Dr. Victor Frankenstein’s new monster will fall on county, state and federal governments.  The news comes just days after taxpayers learned they are on the hook for the Octuplet mom’s brood.

Dr. Frankenstein, unemployed for the past two years while working to create a man at his home laboratory, is slated to receive food stamps, Social Security disability payments, and Medicaid reimbursements for the medical services he has personally provided to the creature. 

In addition, since Frankenstein is judgment-proof, the state will be on the hook to reimburse victims for whatever mayhem the monster causes.

Callers on talk radio echoed the public’s furor over Dr. Frankenstein’s decision to create a monster he cannot afford.  ”If that mad scientist wants to make a man, that’s his business. But it should be his financial responsibility, not ours,” fumed one caller.

Feb 16

Study: Big Box Think Tanks Putting Mom and Pop Think Tanks Out of Business

think-tank1WASHINGTON – A study released by the Commerce Department yesterday shows an alarming increase in the number of local think tanks that have gone out of business in the past twenty-four months.

The study concludes that the primary reason for the loss of so-called “Mom and Pop” think tanks is the proliferation of big-box stores that purchase ideas in bulk and provide them to consumers at deep discounts.

John Kello, owner of “The House of Cogitation,” a family-owned think tank that has been in business on Pittsburgh’s North Side for over forty years, said he’s thinking of calling it quits.

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Feb 11

Reagan’s Words Recalled: “In the Present Crisis, Jim Belushi is Not the Solution to the Problem; Jim Belushi Is the Problem”

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Feb 10

Senators Spend Weekend Debating the Kinds of Stimulus They Prefer

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Feb 9

Obama Stumbles Upon Windfall to Fund Stimulus Package: Cabinet Promises to Start Paying Taxes

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Feb 3