“The Edmund Fitzgerald Jr.,” bound for the Chem-Lawn Warehouse on nearby Neville Island, sank in less than five minutes.

There are reports that the captain of the vessel was traveling at an excessive rate of speed in an effort to get his cargo to the warehouse before dandelions and other grass-defiling plants take root in suburban lawns.

The incident occurred a year to the day the bridge was renamed to honor the legacy of the Pittsburgh native whose books, “Silent Spring” and “Silent Spring, Part Deux” helped raise public awareness of environmental issues.

Pittsburgh officials are now concerned about the possibility of hideous, menacing, genetic mutations forming from the combination of nuclear waste and aquatic life. “If you’ve ever seen The Beast From Twenty Thousand Fathoms,” explained Mayor Luke Ravenstahl, “you know what we’re talking about.”

Cleanup from the accident, according to a spokesman for the Army Corps of Engineers, is expected to take years.