Otzi, the world’s oldest mummy preserved in a glacier for 5,300 years, was unthawed yesterday to cheer up his brother following McCain’s loss earlier this month to Barack Obama in the presidential election.
After physicians unfroze the mummy using hair dryers, Otzi groggily opened his eyes and immediately asked for a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate – venti.
McCain was ushered into the room and, according to Dr. Noah Swayne, the two brothers reminisced about the old days — “I mean the real old days, before there was language.”
WASHINGTON – Governor Sarah Palin vowed today that she will uncover the identity of the person within the McCain camp who has leaked unflattering claims about her to the media. Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained a copy of the latest hateful text authored by Palin’s phantom critic: My friends — my friends, Sarah Palin is an idiot.”
Noah Swayne, M.D., John McCain’s personal physician, candidly told a reporter that McCain’s words about senility applied to McCain himself. It was “a blessing” that McCain lost the presidential election because, “in clinical terms, John McCain is a nutcase,” Dr. Swayne explained.
Dr. Swayne said that McCain is convinced he won yesterday’s presidential election despite being told repeatedly that he lost. “I shook him by the shoulders and shouted, ‘Senator, you lost,’ at least thirty times, but all he could do was give me that blank stare.”
Insiders say that Tuesday ”wasn’t one of [McCain's] ‘good’ days.” It started with McCain going to the polls early in the morning to vote. When the curtain closed on the voting booth, McCain started screaming, “We’re all out of soap! We’re all out of soap!” When the curtain opened, McCain was wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a shower cap. He later admitted to his wife that he “forgot to vote” because he was so busy washing his hair.
“Thank goodness the Bush administration was such a disaster and that we had that financial meltdown,” Dr. Swayne confided, “or we might be stuck with this lunatic as president.”
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