#7: Obama Touches Liberty Bell, Heals Crack

barackbellfinal

Dec 31

Ötzi, World’s Oldest Mummy, Unthawed to Console Brother, John McCain

Otzi, the world’s oldest mummy preserved in a glacier for 5,300 years, was unthawed yesterday to cheer up his brother following McCain’s loss earlier this month to Barack Obama in the presidential election.

After physicians unfroze the mummy using hair dryers, Otzi groggily opened his eyes and immediately asked for a Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate – venti.

McCain was ushered into the room and, according to Dr. Noah Swayne, the two brothers reminisced about the old days — “I mean the real old days, before there was language.”

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Nov 21

Palin Vows To Learn Identity of Critic Within McCain Camp

WASHINGTON – Governor Sarah Palin vowed today that she will uncover the identity of the person within the McCain camp who has leaked unflattering claims about her to the media. Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained a copy of the latest hateful text authored by Palin’s phantom critic:  My friends — my friends, Sarah Palin is an idiot.”

Nov 12

Bush Shows Obama the “Dark Parts” of the White House

“I thought that’s where he’d be most comfortable,” the President said 

Nov 11

Obama Visits White House, Hires New Advisor

Nov 11

“I Know Africa is a Continent — Just Like Mexico”

Nov 10

Racism, Segregation Not Dead Yet: Obama Forced to Ride in Back of Limo

Secret Service Agents deny any wrongdoing: “If we really were prejudiced, we’d make him drive.”

Nov 10

McCain Has Revelation About America

“You really aren’t my friends, are you?

Nov 7

“You Didn’t Know Africa is a Continent? No Wonder We Lost, You Dumbass!”

Nov 7

Biden Calls in Special “Contractor” to Clean Up VP Mansion After Last Tenant

Nov 6

106-Year-Old Ann Nixon Cooper, Singled Out in Obama’s Acceptance Speech, Speaks Out

“Yes, I voted seven times on Tuesday. That’s to make-up for all the times my people couldn’t vote.”

Nov 6

Obama: “I Don’t Want to be Known as a Running President”

President-Elect promises to “stay in the pocket, go through my progressions, and wait for my Cabinet members to get open”

Nov 6

Black Is So “In,” Michael Jackson Has Skin Darkened

Nov 6

Obama Wins; Rise of Oceans Begins to Slow

Nov 5

Bush Makes It Official: “I Will Not Seek a Third Term”

Nov 5

With Election Over, Cheney Comes Out of Seclusion

Nov 5

Hillary Chides Dems With Statement She’s Been Waiting Five Months To Deliver

“See? Now do you believe me? If you had selected me as the nominee, we’d be sending a Democrat to the White House tonight. Maybe next time, you’ll listen.”

Nov 5

Obama Elected; Racism Eradicated

KKK, Black Panthers lay down their arms, hug in the streets

Nov 5

McCain Doctor: “Good Thing Obama Won; McCain is Nuts”

PHOENIX – John McCain addressed a large crowd in Phoenix last night after it became clear he would not be the next president and said, “We have nothing to fear except creeping senility.”

Noah Swayne, M.D., John McCain’s personal physician, candidly told a reporter that McCain’s words about senility applied to McCain himself.  It was “a blessing” that McCain lost the presidential election because, “in clinical terms, John McCain is a nutcase,” Dr. Swayne explained. 

Dr. Swayne said that McCain is convinced he won yesterday’s presidential election despite being told repeatedly that he lost. “I shook him by the shoulders and shouted, ‘Senator, you lost,’ at least thirty times, but all he could do was give me that blank stare.”

Insiders say that Tuesday ”wasn’t one of [McCain's] ‘good’ days.”  It started with McCain going to the polls early in the morning to vote.  When the curtain closed on the voting booth, McCain started screaming, “We’re all out of soap! We’re all out of soap!”  When the curtain opened, McCain was wearing nothing but a bathrobe and a shower cap. He later admitted to his wife that he “forgot to vote” because he was so busy washing his hair.

“Thank goodness the Bush administration was such a disaster and that we had that financial meltdown,” Dr. Swayne confided, “or we might be stuck with this lunatic as president.”

Nov 5

Obama Victory Touches Off Riots in Grosse Pointe, Aspen, Dubuque and Branson; Bush Sends Federal Troops Into Suburbs to Calm White Rage

Nov 5

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