Cops Nab Father Preparing to Sacrifice Son

abraham_illustration_isaacMOUNT WASHINGTON –  Pittsburgh police yesterday thwarted an attempt by an elderly man to make a human sacrifice of his son on top of Mount Washington.

The man, identified as Abraham, or Abram, and his son, Isaac, reportedly traveled three days from the land of Canaan at the request of  an omniscient, omnipresent entity known as Yahweh.

 ”We’re trying to track down this Yahweh character, because we’d like to ask him a few questions,” said Detective Doug Wagner.

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Apr 23

Teen From House of Montague Sentenced to Ten Years Imprisonment for Statutory Rape of Teen From House of Capulet

romeodm1801_468x672VERONA – Romeo of the House of Montague, 17, was sentenced to ten years  imprisonment for felony carnal knowledge of a juvenile in connection with his marriage to Juliet of the House of Capulet, 13.  The crime entails engaging in non-forcible sexual intercourse with someone under the statutory age of consent.

Upon his release in ten years, Mr. Montague will be required to register as a sex offender for the remainder of his life and will not be permitted to live within 2,500 feet of any school or other place where children live or gather. This effectively will preclude Mr. Montague from residing in Italy.

Friar Laurence, 55, who performed the marriage ceremony, is awaiting trial on charges that he aided and abetted statutory rape.  He could also face up to ten years imprisonment 

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Apr 17

Bailiff’s Mix-Up Releases Madoff Instead of Barabbas

madoffaNEW YORK – Minutes after Ponzi scam artist Bernard Madoff, the most hated man in America after Dick Cheney, pled guilty yesterday to eleven counts of fraud in a packed lower Manhattan courtroom, bailiff Bradleys Roadhouse misunderstood Judge Denny Chin’s instructions and accidentally released Madoff instead of infamous first-century insurrectionist Barabbas.

[Madoff is pictured at yesterday's hearing, courtesy of  Brandon Swayne, 5, Brooklyn Kindergarden, guest courtroom artist.]

“After Mr. Madoff pled guilty, I specifically told the bailiff to release Mr. Barabbas, not Mr. Madoff,” explained U.S. District Court Judge Denny Chin.  “We apparently got our signals crossed.”

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Mar 13

Fonzie Charged With Corruption of Morals, Indecent Assault; Greaser Added to Wisconsin Sexual Predator Registry

hw_lMILWAUKEE - Arthur Fonzarelli was arrested yesterday outside of Arnold’s Coffee House and charged with corruption of minors and indecent assault.

This is the third time in the past three weeks Mr. Fonzarelli has been arrested and charged with the same crimes. Each time authorities found the sixty-seven year old auto mechanic sharing a passionate kiss with a female under the age of consent.

“I don’t know what it is about this grease monkey,” said Officer Henry Corbett. “He snaps his fingers and the little girls come running.”

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Mar 12

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