“The [floodlights] bathed the entire perimeter of [the Cooper's] property in light and kept the zombies away,” said Sheriff Mick “Mac” McClelland.

“We are investigating whether Mr. Al Gore and other climate charge proponents responsible for Earth Hour should be charged, along with the zombies, as co-conspirators in killing the Coopers.”

He is also believed to have been the first passenger on the Christmas Day flight to Detroit to notice the fire started by the underwear bomber.

For each of the incidents, Orton explained: “When the smoke started, I realized there might be more to this than meets the eye.”

Officials in New York and Iceland praised Orton, but acquaintances called him a “damn busybody who’s always noticing things that are none of his business.”

The woman accused the Prince of non-consensual kissing while she dozed in a corner restroom abutting the VIP room of the downtown Capital City nightclub.  She was at the nightclub partying with seven dwarfs who own a local gold mine. 

Although immediately after the kiss, she awakened and rode off happily with the Prince, hours later, several friends, who major in Women’s Studies at a local college, urged her to report the crime to police.  Witnesses say she was “hysterical” at the police station.

The Prince’s legal counsel, high-powered Atlanta criminal attorney Ed Garland, issued a statement: “The Prince is completely innocent of any crime.  The kiss was consensual, not to mention G-rated Disney fare.” 

Garland has represented other high-profile celebrities in criminal matters. He was Pinocchio’s counsel in a federal perjury trial, which, Garland said, “was going just fine until his damn nose started to grow.”  Garland also successfully represented Princess Jasmine after she severed ex-husband Aladdin’s penis and justified her action by saying: ”He always have orgasm and doesn’t wait for me to have orgasm.”  In addition, Garland unsuccessfully represented Sid Phillips, the villain from Toy Story, who stabbed The Jungle Book’s sloth bear Baloo to death in a prison cell.  Baloo had been serving time for a sexual assault on feral boy Mowgli. Mr. Phillips was later executed for that murder.

For the current case, Garland says video evidence proves the accuser consented to sexual encounter.  “We have located a video of the accuser just moments before the alleged assault in which she was captured singing, ‘Someday My Prince Will Come.’”  Garland said it is reasonable to interpret the lyrics to mean ”someday my prince will ejaculate.”  The investigation continues.

“The troubling part for me was that she killed only members of historically disadvantaged groups, African-Americans and a South Asian,” explained one faculty member, speaking on condition of anonymity.  “I would have felt much better if she had targeted white males.”

Another professor wouldn’t rule out tenure for Bishop.  “When you balance the pluses: she is a female from Harvard working in the sciences – against the minuses: she shot six people – it’s fairly close.  I wouldn’t rule out tenure at some point.  That’s assuming she doesn’t get the death penalty. If she does, I’d say she can forget tenure.”

“We have reason to believe that the tackle dummy represents the Pope because the dummy is wearing a Papal mitre and has the word ‘Pope’ written on its shirt,” said Commander Rudolfo Lassparri of the Rome Police Department.

The discovery of the tackle dummy led police to conclude that the attack on the Pontiff was premeditated.