CLARKSVILLE, PA - All three members of the local Cooper family, husband and wife Harry, 38, and Helen, 35, and their daughter Karen, 16, were brutally dismembered by marauding zombies Saturday night after Mrs. Cooper shut off the floodlights atop the Coopers’ home in observance of Earth Hour. Police say the floodlights were the only thing that deterred the zombies at night.
“Normally, the [floodlights] bathed the entire perimeter of [the Cooper's] property in light and kept the zombies away,” said Sheriff Mick “Mac” McClelland.
“We are investigating the extent of Mr. Al Gore’s responsibility for this attack.”
NEW YORK CITY – Surly street vendor Lance Orton, who alerted police to the suspicious SUV that contained a home-made bomb in Times Square, was also the first to alert authorities about suspicious activity in the Eyjafjallajökull volcano in Iceland just before the eruption.
He is also believed to have been the first passenger on the Christmas Day flight to Detroit to notice the fire started by the underwear bomber.
For each of the incidents, Orton explained: “When the smoke started, I realized there might be more to this than meets the eye.”
Officials in New York and Iceland praised Orton, but acquaintances called him a “damn busybody who’s always noticing things that are none of his business.”
MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – Police continue to investigate allegations that the Prince sexually assaulted a 20-year-old member of a different royal family who works as a scullery maid for her step-mother, the Queen. This news outlet does not name alleged victims of sexual assault.
The woman accused the Prince of non-consensual kissing while she dozed in a corner restroom abutting the VIP room of the downtown Capital City nightclub. She was at the nightclub partying with seven dwarfs who own a local gold mine.
Although immediately after the kiss, she awakened and rode off happily with the Prince, hours later, several friends, who major in Women’s Studies at a local college, urged her to report the crime to police. Witnesses say she was “hysterical” at the police station.
“I thought, ‘Where’s my scholarship, like [Duke lacrosse false accuser] Crystal [Mangum] got?’ Then I remembered, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not black!’”
Whale went on killing rampage after being denied tenure
BIRMINGHAM, Ala. – Some faculty members at the University of Alabama, Huntsville say that biology professor Amy Bishop’s shooting rampage, which left three dead and three others wounded, ”could” cost her tenure.
“The troubling part for me was that she killed only members of historically disadvantaged groups, African-Americans and a South Asian,” explained one faculty member, speaking on condition of anonymity. “I would have felt much better if she had targeted white males.”
Another professor wouldn’t rule out tenure for Bishop. “When you balance the pluses: she is a female from Harvard working in the sciences – against the minuses: she shot six people – it’s fairly close. I wouldn’t rule out tenure at some point. That’s assuming she doesn’t get the death penalty. If she does, I’d say she can forget tenure.”
ROME – Italian police discovered a papal tackle dummy in the basement of the woman who leaped over a barrier inside Saint Peter’s Basilica and assaulted Pope Benedict XVI at the start of Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.
“We have reason to believe that the tackle dummy represents the Pope because the dummy is wearing a Papal mitre and has the word ‘Pope’ written on its shirt,” said Commander Rudolfo Lassparri of the Rome Police Department.
The discovery of the tackle dummy led police to conclude that the attack on the Pontiff was premeditated.
NEW YORK – Federal officials say that the claim of department store behemoth Macy’s that six-year-old boys are trapped inside every one of its iconic Thanksgiving Day parade balloons is a hoax.
The publicity stunt was hatched by new Macy’s employee Richard Heene.
FORT HOOD – Dr. Alfred Bellows snapped after repeatedly failing to prove that Maj. Anthony “Tony” Nelson was “up to something.”
ZURICH – Just hours after Swiss police arrested film director Roman Polanski on charges that he fled the U.S. after pleading guilty to unlawful sexual intercourse, they arrested director Willard Huyck on charges that he directed “Howard the Duck” in 1986, considered to be among the worst films of all time, authorities said Sunday.
Huyck fled to Paris immediately after directing “Howard the Duck” and has been in hiding there ever since. He came to Zurich on Saturday evening to attend the Zurich Film Festival, and was nabbed at the Zurich Airport.
French Culture Minister Frederic Mitterrand said he was “overjoyed” by Huyck’s arrest, adding that he “strongly hopes that [Huyck] is put through an ordeal comparable to the one he forced the movie-going public to experience with the damn ’Duck’ film.”
Intruder Attacks, Tries to Put Red Hat on Roger Federer at French Open; College of Cardinals Are Persons of Interest
BURGERLAND – Burger King, the marvelous, magical ruler of all things meat-related who could do most anything, died yesterday at the hands of a disgruntled office seeker.
Witnesses reported seeing a man pushing through the crowd gathered around the King, beckoning His Royal Highness to come closer, and then repeatedly plunging a knife into his golden velvet robe. The King staggered back, bracing himself on two sesame seed buns, before falling forward into the arms of Mayor McCheese, who was visiting as part of a trade delegation from McDonaldland.
One woman said the assassin, who remains at large, shouted “have it your way” before committing the foul deed.