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By the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor, Carbolic Smoke Ball
Dear Readers: Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back. I call it, “A Christmas Come True.”
TEHRAN – Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular “Tickle Me Khomeini” doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls.
The cuddly, plush, “Tickle Me Khomeini” features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. Whenever its belly is rubbed, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.
President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays.
“Of course I’m honored that it was a first, but what the hell is a ‘Noel’?”
HOLLYWOOD - The newest film from actor-director-producer Clint Eastwood is scheduled for wide release Christmas Day, not a moment too soon for theater owners struggling to sell tickets in a dismal holiday box office season. The movie, entitled ”Dirty Herod,” is about a no-nonsense Israelite king who doesn’t play by the rules but always gets results.
“I was intrigued by the numerous catch-phrases in the script, and by the chance to play such a great character,” said Eastwood, who met with critics after a private screening. “‘Dirty Herod’ is the best thing I’ve ever done.”
Many reviewers expressed surprise that Eastwood’s character uses a .44 magnum revolver to keep his kingdom in line. They referred specifically to a scene in which Herod explains to John the Baptist the size and caliber of the gun he’s aiming at him, advising the prone prophet that the weapon could “blow [his] head clean off.”
Twelve-year-old George Bailey arrested for covering up Gower’s misdeeds.
PITTSBURGH – Police are on the lookout for a holiday predator wearing an old silk hat who lures children to follow him down to the village by dancing around through the streets of town.
He is described as an albino male with a corncob pipe, a button nose, and two eyes made out of coal. Authorities warn that the predator is armed with a broomstick in his hand. He was last seen running here and there and all around the square, saying “catch me if you can.” Police lost his trail when he seemingly melted away while taunting his pursuers that he’ll be back again one day.
Police are asking for any information regarding suspicious persons matching the predator’s description.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do about this,” said Noah Swayne. “It’s pretty damn serious.”
Read our special Christmas Edition here.
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