Dear Readers: Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back.  I call it, “A Christmas Come True.”

When I was eight years old, my cruel, heartless parents abandoned me on the doorstep of St. Dominick’s Home for Wayward Boys.  Even there I was unwanted. I learned from a woman who worked in the front office that they tried to trade me for an orphan to be named later.

The dank and squalor of the orphanage left me sick and emaciated, and the headmaster beat me so frequently that my bruises had contusions.  

As the holidays approached, I had abandoned any hope of receiving even one gift. 

On Christmas morning, the sores from my beatings awakened me early, so I limped down the hall where, to my amazement, I saw a giant Christmas tree surrounded by gifts for all the boys. 

I ran to it with elation, as fast as my broken body could move.  

I frantically searched through every package under that tree, one by one. When I reached the last gift, I found — that there wasn’t a single present for me!

Merry Christmas to all from the entire staff of Carbolic Smoke Ball!

Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank.  Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.

Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.

Sources within the Claus organization said Mr. Claus loved the thrill of gliding his custom-made mobile Norelco over snow and ice-covered hills.

“Santa was in love with speed,” said one elf, who wished to remain anonymous. “He loved to roar down the mountain and watch the animals scatter.  I can’t tell you how many times he came home with deer impaled on one of the razor’s three smooth acting blades.”

Despite his close shave with death, Santa is expected to make a full recovery by Christmas.

The cuddly, plush, “Tickle Me Khomeini” features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. Whenever its belly is rubbed, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays.

The President also issued a stern warning to would-be profiteers. “Price gouging will not be tolerated,” he said. “If anyone is caught selling a ‘Tickle Me Khomeini’ at an exorbitant price, the penalty is death.”

This is not the first time an Ayatollah Khomeini novelty item has created turmoil in Iranian society. In 1978, shortages of the Khomeini swimsuit poster, in which the leader of the Iranian revolution revealed a glimpse of his left nipple, started riots which eventually led to the overthrow of the Shah.

Other hot-selling toys in Iran this Christmas are “Allah-board, the Train,” a steam engine featured on a long-running Iranian children’s show, and the EZ-Bake Nuclear Reactor.

For adults, merchants can’t keep “Trivial Pursuit: U.S. Embassy Hostage Crisis Edition” on the shelves.