Our Christmas Gift to the World!

judge-2By the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor, Carbolic Smoke Ball

Dear Readers: Thousands of you have asked me to repeat the inspirational story about the Christmases I spent in the orphanage. So grab a cup of hot cocoa and sit back.  I call it, “A Christmas Come True.”

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Dec 24

Santa Claus Seriously Injured in Electric Razor Accident; Mobile Norelco was Traveling Too Fast for Conditions

santanorelcoa-22NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree.

Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank.  Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.

Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.

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Dec 23

Home Invaders Demand Figgy Pudding, Won’t Go Until They Get Some, Won’t Go Until They Get Some

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Dec 23

“Joseph, the test results are back, and you’re not the father.”

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Dec 23

Salvation Army Bell Ringer Mauled by Salivating Dogs, Pavlov Denies Responsibility

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Dec 23

New “Tickle-Me-Khomeini” Doll the Must-Have Toy for Iranian Kids this Christmas

khomeiniTEHRAN – Hasbro, Inc. will expedite shipments of its popular “Tickle Me Khomeini” doll to Iran this week after hundreds of holiday shoppers were injured while waiting in line to obtain one of the much sought-after dolls.

The cuddly, plush, “Tickle Me Khomeini” features the Grand Imam with his customary stern visage. Whenever its belly is rubbed, the doll emits a sustained, high-pitch giggle.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad made an urgent appeal for calm this morning. Appearing on state television, the President sought to assure nervous parents that his government was doing everything possible to ensure sufficient quantities of the doll would be available for the holidays.

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Dec 23

Police Call Abominable Snowman an ‘Abominable Snowman of Interest’ in Climber’s Death

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Dec 23

Jean Claude Van-Damme to Host “A Kick-Boxing Christmas”; Special to Feature Plenty of Kicking, Boxing, Caroling

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Dec 23

Little Drummer Boy Punctuates Shepherd’s Jokes With Rimshot

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Dec 23

Our Meteorologist Mikhail Gorbachev Says Winter Storm To Blanket Region for Christmas

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Dec 23

Cornelius, Zeira to Host Discovery Channel’s “Christmas on the Planet of the Apes”

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Dec 22

Parson Brown Sues Couple for Identity Theft

snowman1The Parson’s complaint claims that in the meadow the defendants built a snowman and pretended it was him.

Dec 22

Little Drummer Boy Asked to “Play that Thing Outside,” Virgin Mary Claims He’s Waking the Baby

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Dec 22

FBI: Boy Who Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Has Been Shaking the Old Woman Down Since 1952

may-22-2006-075a-1Mother paid son millions in hush money because he repeatedly sang, “Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”

Dec 22

Once the Angel Had Departed, the Shepherds Discussed What They Had Seen

shepherds-11“Of course I’m honored that it was a first, but what the hell is a ‘Noel’?”

Dec 22

Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas

saint-paul2THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.

The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service.  After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”  

Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155,  intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.

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Dec 22

Stuttering Caroler Ruins Christmas Concert, Repeats the Sounding Joy

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Dec 21

Blitzen’s Elevated Levels of Testosterone Means Lifetime Ban From Reindeer Games

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Dec 21

Trans-Siberian Orchestra Flattened by Mannheim Steamroller in Tragic Trans-Christmas Concert Accident

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Dec 21

Hear Da Judge: Christmas Gift Edition

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Dec 19

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