Santa Claus Seriously Injured in Electric Razor Accident; Mobile Norelco was Traveling Too Fast for Conditions
NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree.
Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank. Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.
Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.
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Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas
THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.
The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service. After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”
Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155, intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.
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‘Kid’ From ‘Christmas Story’ Returns Home, Sues Father for Giving Him Genuine Red Ryder 200 Shot Carbine Action Air Rifle