Cornelius, Zeira to Host Discovery Channel’s “Christmas on the Planet of the Apes”

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Dec 23

Santa Claus Seriously Injured in Electric Razor Accident; Mobile Norelco was Traveling Too Fast for Conditions

santanorelcoa-22NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree.

Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank.  Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.

Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.

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Dec 20

Found: Louis Farrakhan’s Historic Lost Recording of “White Christmas”

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Dec 20

Little Drummer Boy Asked to “Play that Thing Outside,” Virgin Mary Claims He’s Waking the Baby

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Dec 20

Salvation Army Bell Ringer Mauled by Salivating Dogs, Pavlov Denies Responsibility

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Dec 20

Jean Claude Van-Damme to Host “A Kick-Boxing Christmas”; Special to Feature Plenty of Kicking, Boxing, Caroling

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Dec 20

Parson Brown Sues Couple for Identity Theft

snowman1The Parson’s complaint claims that in the meadow the defendants built a snowman and pretended it was him.

Dec 20

Home Invaders Demand Figgy Pudding, Won’t Go Until They Get Some, Won’t Go Until They Get Some

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Dec 20

ACLU Obtains Injunction to Stop Linus From Reciting Scripture in School Auditorium

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Dec 20

Santa to Decide After Christmas if He’s Coming Back Next Year

badsanta4At most, veteran toy giver would sign one-year deal

Dec 20

Stuttering Caroler Ruins Christmas Concert, Repeats the Sounding Joy

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Dec 20

61 Drown at Bedford Falls High as Dance Floor Opens Over Pool

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Dec 20

FBI: Boy Who Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Has Been Shaking the Old Woman Down Since 1952

may-22-2006-075a-1Mother paid son millions in hush money because he repeatedly sang, “Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”

Dec 20

“Joseph, the test results are back, and you’re not the father.”

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Dec 20

Trans-Siberian Orchestra Flattened by Mannheim Steamroller in Tragic Trans-Christmas Concert Accident

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Dec 19

Our Annual “Who’s Gay and Who’s Not in the Rankin/Bass Christmas Specials”

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Dec 15

Little Drummer Boy Punctuates Shepherd’s Jokes With Rimshot

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Dec 22

Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas

saint-paul2THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.

The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service.  After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”  

Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155,  intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.

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Dec 21

War Hero’s Holiday Shopping Ruined By Reports of His Father’s Gangland Slaying, Fiance’s Failure to Obtain Gift Vouchers

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Dec 20

‘Kid’ From ‘Christmas Story’ Returns Home, Sues Father for Giving Him Genuine Red Ryder 200 Shot Carbine Action Air Rifle

zzzzzzzzzzzz 012-1He shot his eye out

 

Dec 20

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