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Union contracts forbid the hiring of anyone good-looking
BEDFORD FALLS - General Motors Corporation has decided to skip what promised to be a grueling battle in Congress over its request for a federal bailout and instead accepted a $25 billion bailout from the citizens of the tiny, idyllic town of Bedford Falls, New York.
Last night, GM CEO Rick Wagoner arrived at the ramshackle home of local building and loan executive George Bailey and his wife Mary. Mrs. Bailey excitedly pulled Wagoner into their inexplicably large living room that resembles a sound stage and stood him next to an oversized Christmas tree.
“It’s a miracle, Mr. Wagoner! It’s a miracle!” she said, anxiously awaiting the front door to burst open. The door swung open with a fury and a throng of excited revelers forced their way in. George Bailey’s uncle Billy led the way, carrying a clothes basket full of money, which he euphorically dumped onto a makeshift table set up in front of the shocked CEO. All of the others followed suit and, like modern day Magi, giddily spilled money from their pockets, wallets, shoe boxes and coffee pots.
WASHINGTON, DC - Congressional leaders of both parties huddled behind closed doors on Capitol Hill today in an attempt to work out a bailout package for the Detroit Lions. Items being discussed include giving the Lions a four touchdown lead prior to kickoff in all remaining games, forcing Lions’ opponents to play at least one half of each game wearing blindfolds, and taking the best players from teams enjoying a bye week and adding them to the Lions’ roster.
Detroit owner William Clay Ford, who was observed leaving the Senate office building with Democratic Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), told reporters that any one of those options would be helpful. “Not a cure-all, for sure, but a good start.”
By late yesterday, a deal appeared imminent. ”We’re hopeful we’ll be able to reach an agreement soon,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California). “But it is doubtful we’ll be able to have anything in place before Thanksgiving Day.”
WASHINGTON - Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has changed his mind again. In September, he said the Treasury Department needed $700 billion dollars to buy troubled assets. Earlier this week, Paulson said the Treasury Department would not buy troubled assets but would buy equity stakes in troubled companies.
This morning Paulson announced what he called his final position: “On careful review of the economy, It would be better if I just hold the money and use it as I deem appropriate.”
First, Paulson said he would use the money to support consumer debt “by outfitting my entertainment room with the latest technology.” Second, Paulson said he would forgive his credit debt for the swimming pool he purchased last summer “and thus simultaneously stimulate the economy and my heart by allowing me to have a hearty swim without worrying about paying for the pool.”
All 2009 G-Class models to come with free swastika armbands, 6-CD set of “Adolf Hitler’s Greatest Speeches” pre-loaded in the changer
SEATTLE - With sales tumbling for the third quarter in a row this year, Starbucks Chief Financial Officer Troy Alstead announced yesterday that effective immediately, the company is getting out of the coffee business and into a line of work more appropriate for desperate economic times: soup kitchens.
“With so many Americans struggling right now, and a crippling worldwide depression at hand, we think this move puts us in a great position to capitalize on the misery and hunger of millions of consumers around the globe.” Mr. Alstead said consumer confidence and consumer spending are at a seventy-five year low. “And nothing is cheaper to produce, or makes you feel better, than a nice bowl of soup.”
Mr. Alstead also confirmed that he attempted to lure the Campbells kids out of retirement to act as spokespersons for the new Starbucks Soup Kitchens, but tragedy intervened.
“We’re realigning structure to make the family unit more efficient and responsive, and to more strategically position our household for success in today’s challenging economic environment,” said Chief Operating Father Cornelius Dunn
WASHINGTON - Retired Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan appeared before the House Oversight Committee to testify about the economic meltdown.
“The economic crisis? Well, good luck with that!” Greenspan chortled to surprised lawmakers. “Looks like I got out just in time, doesn’t it?”
When pressed by contentious committee members as to whether he bore any responsibility for the economic collapse, Greenspan leaned back in his chair, placed his hands behind his head, and put his feet up on the table. “Well, I guess it’s like this: I kind of wonder what this new man does all day,” a reference to Greenspan’s successor as Chair of the Federal Reserve, Ben Bernanke.
WASHINGTON - John McCain announced that if he is elected he will fire SEC Chairman Chris Cox and replace him with controversial casino magnate Moe Greene.
At a press conference, McCain explained that “Cox was asleep at the switch and didn’t see the iceberg about to strike Wall Street.” In contrast, McCain recounted a trip he took to Mr. Greene’s casino in Las Vegas. ”Moe’s approach was completely hands-on,” he said.
“One incident in particular that impressed me was when I saw Moe slapping around an employee named Fredo Corleone in public. You see, my friends, Moe’s gotta business to run. Moe has to kick asses sometimes to make it run right. It seems, my friends, that this Fredo character was banging cocktail waitresses two at a time and players couldn’t get a drink at the tables. So, Moe had to straighten him out. That, my friends, is the kind of man we need running SEC.”
Contacted by phone, Mr. Greene explained that he “made his bones” while Mr. Cox “was going out with cheerleaders.” Mr. Cox, also contacted for this story, had no comment except to say, “Go Obama.”
STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Iconic television emcee and longtime former Price is Right host Bob Barker won the Nobel economics prize yesterday for his groundbreaking work on pricing patterns. Barker said the honor “is right up there with the nineteen Emmys I won.”
Barker is widely regarded as one of the world’s leading authorities on guessing prices of common household items without going over the actual price. “The not-going-over aspect is the real trick,” Barker explained.
Barker is one of President Bush’s principal advisers on the Wall Street meltdown and has advocated radical methods for solidifying the shaky economy. “What this economy needs is a Showcase Showdown,” he declared last week, referring to the Price is Right segment where contestants play a game of chance by spinning a big wheel.
“We’ve already taken care of the board room,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “Now we’re going to provide help for the bedroom.”
WASHINGTON - After consulting with Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Democratic leaders are likely to call Congress back into session after the election in hopes of passing legislation that would include a tax rebate, extended jobless benefits, and adult novelty toys for all married couples who sleep or file jointly, officials said Saturday.
The bill could total as much as $150 billion, plus the cost of postage, lubricants, and non-descript, brown paper bags in which to deliver the stimulus packages.
Officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, stressed that no final decision has been made on the shape or contents of the package. “We don’t want to announce anything prematurely,” said one representative, “and we don’t want to so excite taxpayers that they do anything prematurely either.”
“We used mostly stockholder money,” CEO says
NEW YORK - American International Group executives are defending their decision, made public yesterday by congressional investigators, to spend $440,000 on a conference at a posh California resort just days after the federal government committed $85 billion to bail out the struggling insurance giant.
“We still hadn’t seen so much as one penny of the bailout money by the time we went on that retreat,” said AIG CEO Edward Liddy. ”We used mostly stockholder money, and some petty cash from our C-suite coffee fund.”
AIG internal documents reveal that the company paid $200,000 for luxury suites, $150,000 for meals, $23,000 in spa charges, and almost $7,000 in golf fees for the week-long conference. Liddy bristled at the suggestion that the expenses were “lavish or extravagant,” noting that AIG executives had endured “a rough couple of weeks” and needed the time to “recharge and strategize before the for the new money rolls in.”
Asked to account for costs not paid by stockholder money or petty cash, Libby explained that suites were financed through low-interest FHA loans, spa fees were charged to Medicare, and golf outings were covered by the company’s farm subsidies. ”We paid for our meals with food stamps,” Libby added.
Reclusive candy magnate Willy Wonka acknowledges some of company’s Oompa Loompas “may have been rescued from Hunan Province”
“I’ve wanted to be a hedge-fund manager ever since I was a little boy,” said Cornelius Dunn, first-year student at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business. “If Congress won’t approve a bailout, what will become of my dreams?”
“We haven’t had time to do a lot of polling on this plan, so we had no idea how it would affect our re-election campaigns,” said one representative who asked not to be identified (see photo at left). ”We’re not crazy, you know.”
Food, water, new Blackberrys dropped over Wall Street; investment bankers vow to “hang on” until rescuers, new mortgage holders arrive
NEW YORK - The testicles on the famed bronze Wall Street bull, the so-called “golden balls” that had retracted into the statue’s groin when Lehman Brothers’ declared bankruptcy, suddenly returned to the bull’s scrotum minutes after Congressional leaders and the White House agreed on a $700 billion bailout of the ailing financial industry.
Financial analysts immediately hailed the event as “The Miracle of the Golden Balls.”
Investor Warren Buffet predicted that from now on, struggling capitalists would make pilgrimages to the Bronze Bull in the same way that sick people visit Lourdes looking for a miracle.
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