Barney Frank: “We Want AIG to Name Names — Especially if They’re Good-Looking Guys”

barney

Mar 19

Warren Buffet Spotted Bumming Change for Dinner

buffett3_2OMAHA, Nebraska – Iconic investor Warren Buffett, the “Oracle of Omaha” who last year was declared by Forbes Magazine to be the richest man in the world with a net worth valued at $62 billion, was spotted bumming for change last night so he could buy dinner.

Private banking documents obtained by this news source show that the Chairman of Berkshire Hathaway has maxed out on his credit cards and is unable to make even the minimum monthly payments.  “Warren is so broke, I saw a pigeon feeding him in the park,” said a friend who asked not to be named. 

Gorat’s Steak House in Omaha, a favorite Buffett hangout, told him his credit is no longer good there and that he’ll be served only if he pays with cash in advance.

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Mar 10

Vatican Scraps Lent as Recession Shuts Down Ash Company

ash-wednesdayVATICAN CITY – Catholic dioceses around the world have cancelled Lent this year because the Brunswick Ash Company of Newark, New Jersey, the exclusive supplier of ashes to the Church, has closed its doors due to the recession.

“This year is gone, but if we get some stimulus money, then double mazel tov, we’ll reopen next year,” said Reuben Brunswick, president of the company that has been in his family for over 100 years. 

Mr. Brunswick’s biggest fear was telling the Pope. “I was sure the Holy Father would start hurling kneelers at me — you know, he’s got that whole German thing going on, but it turns out he’s a real mensch. His only concern was the hit the fish fries are going to take on Fridays if there’s no lent. He said, ‘That’s going to cost them some serious cheddar.’ ”

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Feb 25

Jack Cover, Inventor of the Taser, Dead at 88

taserinventorTaser International Inc. refutes report, claims Cover is “only stunned”


Feb 17

Phelps Loses Kellogg’s Promotion, Signs on as Spokesman for Tommy Chong’s Water Pipe Company

michaelphelpscornflakes

Feb 12

Study: Big Box Think Tanks Putting Mom and Pop Think Tanks Out of Business

think-tank1WASHINGTON – A study released by the Commerce Department yesterday shows an alarming increase in the number of local think tanks that have gone out of business in the past twenty-four months.

The study concludes that the primary reason for the loss of so-called “Mom and Pop” think tanks is the proliferation of big-box stores that purchase ideas in bulk and provide them to consumers at deep discounts.

John Kello, owner of “The House of Cogitation,” a family-owned think tank that has been in business on Pittsburgh’s North Side for over forty years, said he’s thinking of calling it quits.

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Feb 11

Newspapers Find the Secret to Profitably Publishing On-Line: Keyboards Tinged with Newspaper Ink

photo-news-ink2

Feb 5

Salmonella Deaths a Blessing in Disguise

peanutWASHINGTON – The Food and Drug Administration put a decidedly upbeat spin on the seven deaths tied to the salmonella outbreak, which has been sourced to the Peanut Corporation of America’s  Blakely, Georgia plant.  Rosacea Swayne, an FDA spokeswoman, smiled and winked at reporters and asked them to “take down my statement verbatim:  The deaths were a blessing in disguise.”

Ms. Swayne turned away from the reporters to apply lipstick, and then declined to elaborate.

Feb 4

Circumcision Clinic Hit by Recession, Warns Employees, Patients to Expect Cuts

circ

Jan 27

Al Qaeda to Lay Off Five Thousand, Additional Cuts Expected

bin_laden_1PESHAWAR – Osama Bin Laden, founder and chairman of Al Qaeda, the worldwide leader in terror and terror-based industries, announced yesterday that the group will lay off up to five thousand members by the end of the month.

The cuts are spread across every sector of the organization, including bombmakers, sword-sharpeners, eye-gouging technicians, limb disposal units and videographers. 

Mr. Bin Laden said that Al Qaeda would provide up to six weeks of health care for former employees and their families, as well as counseling services. A plan to offer tuition reimbursement for those seeking retraining or additional terror schooling will be unveiled next week.

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Jan 27

Ford Eschews Bailout Money, Offers Up Financial Woes for Suffering Souls in Purgatory

prayer1

Jan 26

Kellogg Co. Recalls Peanut Butter Products Fondly

kelloggs“How fondly we recall our Keebler and Austin peanut butter sandwich crackers! We love you Keebler and Austin!” said Kellogg’s statement.

Jan 19

McDonalds, Lionsgate Films Under Fire for “My Bloody Valentine” Happy Meals Promotional Tie-In

valentineHOLLYWOOD - The decision of McDonalds Corporation and Lionsgate films to offer a “My Bloody Valentine” Happy Meal promotional tie-in is drawing severe criticism from concerned parents and educators across the country.

Protests by child advocacy groups are being held in major American cities this weekend. The film, which opens in wide release  Friday, tells the story of a man who returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of a Valentines Day massacre that left twenty-two people dead.

“We were under the impression this picture was about a rat who realizes his life-long dream to become a chef,” said McDonalds President Paul Maloney. “Somebody in our marketing department screwed up. Believe me, heads are going to roll over this,” he added, before excusing himself. “In light of the gruesome acts depicted in this film, perhaps that was a poor choice of words.”

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Jan 15

Obama Retains Scott Boras to Negotiate with Congress on Stimulus Package

bora1WASHINGTON - President-elect Barack Obama said he has retained the services of super-agent Scott Boras to help him secure the money necessary for the stimulus package he believes is needed to jump-start a moribund economy. Mr. Obama made those remarks on NBC’s “Meet the Press” yesterday.

“We know Scott has a history of getting top dollars for his clients,” he said to moderator David Gregory. “He’s a guy with a lot of experience shaking down idiots for obscene amounts of money. I think he’s the right man for this job.”

Speaking to reporters via satellite from his Los Angeles home later in the day, Boras offered a preview of what his negotiations with the new Congress may be like. “You can take what FDR got for the New Deal, and then multiply it by ten. Those are the numbers we’re starting at, but I expect Barack to get much, much more.”

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Jan 12

Pressed for Funds, Local “No-Kill” Shelter Becomes “Occasional-Kill”

yoyoSqueezed by a tightening economy and a growing number of abandoned pets, a local ‘no-kill’ animal shelter said it is revising its policies and will now become an ‘accidental kill’ shelter.

“We could never look a puppy in the face and consciously decide that its life is expendable,” said Patricia Summers, director of the Animal Haven Shelter in Ross. “We could never deliberately place the life of any fellow creature beneath that of a human.”

The shelter, which has limited funding, has seen a three-fold intake of unwanted animals and was faced with the decision to feed the influx or lay off four of its 12 employees. A new policy was reached by a vote of the employees.

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Jan 12

Public Warned: As of February 17, Anyone Without a Digital Converter Box Will Not be Able to See or Hear Analog People

photo-four-digital-convertera

Jan 8

Suspect Richardson Donor Also Gave to Rendell Campaign

edronbillCARBOLIC EXCLUSIVE PHOTO: Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell and New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson shake hands at a fundraiser with donor who federal authorities believe may have been involved in a “food for favors” agreement with both politicians

Jan 7

Parker Brothers Take Their Own Lives

monopolyBOSTON - George and Charles Parker, once-proud manufacturers of board games for the whole family, were found dead yesterday in their downtown home, the victims of an apparent murder-suicide pact. It is believed that George killed his brother Charles in the study with a candlestick before turning the candlestick on himself. 

Authorities say the men left a note stating that the rise of video games, both hand-held and virtual reality, has rendered their existence meaningless. The note also contained a long, disjointed series of paragraphs assailing former competitor Milton Bradley, describing in graphic, profane detail what the brothers thought of him and what they would do to him if they ever got their hands on him. 

“These guys have been on edge for a long time,” said Detective Thomas Gallagher, speaking outside of the Baltic Avenue residence the brothers shared. ”They saw the writing on the wall with Pong. It was only a matter of time before they snapped.”

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Jan 6

Big Three CEOs Admit End-of-the-Year Fire Sales “May Have Been a Bad Idea”

Jan 6

#6: Greyhound Scraps Ad Campaign Touting “No Beheadings”

greyhound_bus_usaOTTAWA – Greyhound Lines said it is pulling hundreds of billboard advertisements in the wake of a gruesome attack in which a passenger was stabbed, gutted and beheaded by his seat mate.

The scrapped ads lauded Greyhound travel as “serene, carefree, and without any beheadings.”

“It’s a shame, because we thought it was our best ad campaign ever,” a Greyhound spokeswoman said.  “We might be able to salvage the billboards by changing the text to ‘without any electrocutions,’ or ‘without any impalements.’  As far as we’ve been able to determine, both of those statements are true, as of this morning.”

Dec 31

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