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Reports From the Trail
“We used mostly stockholder money,” CEO says
NEW YORK - American International Group executives are defending their decision, made public yesterday by congressional investigators, to spend $440,000 on a conference at a posh California resort just days after the federal government committed $85 billion to bail out the struggling insurance giant.
“We still hadn’t seen so much as one penny of the bailout money by the time we went on that retreat,” said AIG CEO Edward Liddy. ”We used mostly stockholder money, and some petty cash from our C-suite coffee fund.”
AIG internal documents reveal that the company paid $200,000 for luxury suites, $150,000 for meals, $23,000 in spa charges, and almost $7,000 in golf fees for the week-long conference. Liddy bristled at the suggestion that the expenses were “lavish or extravagant,” noting that AIG executives had endured “a rough couple of weeks” and needed the time to “recharge and strategize before the for the new money rolls in.”
Asked to account for costs not paid by stockholder money or petty cash, Libby explained that suites were financed through low-interest FHA loans, spa fees were charged to Medicare, and golf outings were covered by the company’s farm subsidies. ”We paid for our meals with food stamps,” Libby added.
Reclusive candy magnate Willy Wonka acknowledges some of company’s Oompa Loompas “may have been rescued from Hunan Province”
“I’ve wanted to be a hedge-fund manager ever since I was a little boy,” said Cornelius Dunn, first-year student at Carnegie Mellon University’s Tepper School of Business. “If Congress won’t approve a bailout, what will become of my dreams?”
“We haven’t had time to do a lot of polling on this plan, so we had no idea how it would affect our re-election campaigns,” said one representative who asked not to be identified (see photo at left). ”We’re not crazy, you know.”
Food, water, new Blackberrys dropped over Wall Street; investment bankers vow to “hang on” until rescuers, new mortgage holders arrive
NEW YORK - The testicles on the famed bronze Wall Street bull, the so-called “golden balls” that had retracted into the statue’s groin when Lehman Brothers’ declared bankruptcy, suddenly returned to the bull’s scrotum minutes after Congressional leaders and the White House agreed on a $700 billion bailout of the ailing financial industry.
Financial analysts immediately hailed the event as “The Miracle of the Golden Balls.”
Investor Warren Buffet predicted that from now on, struggling capitalists would make pilgrimages to the Bronze Bull in the same way that sick people visit Lourdes looking for a miracle.
Hefner: ”I’m going to invite the whole Congress over to The Mansion as soon as this Wall Street thing blows over — well, obviously you’re not invited, Barney.”
Reckless charitable spending blamed. Last straw was blank check written to aid the handicapped son of employee Bob Cratchit. Cratchit misappropriated funds for his mistress, faces lengthy prison term.
NEW YORK - U.S. Bankruptcy Judge James Peck has corrected the judicial opinion he issued in the wee hours of Saturday morning that allowed Lehman Brothers to sell its ”eunuchs” to Barclays.
The revised opinion states that Lehman can sell its “units” to Barclays.
Barclays immediately returned the eunuchs to Lehman Brothers and took possession of the units. One of the eunuchs, who asked not to be identified, giggled.
PUNXSUTAWNEY, Pa. - The stunning failure of insurance giant AIG that necessitated an unprecedented Federal Reserve bailout has been linked to the misconduct of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania AIG agent Ned Ryerson.
Investigators say that Ryerson, known to associates as “Needlenose Ned,” sold millions of dollars of AIG insurance without properly evaluating the risks.
Almost all of the insurance in question was sold to Pittsburgh television meteorologist Phil Connors on February 2 of this year. AIG subsequently paid out hundreds of billions of dollars on life insurance claims because claims documents show that Connors inexplicably died innumerable times the day he bought the insurance.
Contacted for this story, Ryerson said only that he regrets his actions and wishes he could relive February 2nd over again.
Mickey Mouse to be named “honorary Jew,” circumcised in grand opening extravaganza; “Jihad Cruise” and “Hall of Infidels” will be first rides to open
BEDFORD FALLS - While panicked traders around the world watched as stocks continued their free-fall, investor Henry F. Potter, the self-described richest man in the county, calmly went about his work of acquiring more assets.
Mr. Potter gobbled up Merrill Lynch on Monday; last night he took over the remnants of defunct Lehman Brothers.
Financier Warren Buffet summed up Mr. Potter’s modus operandi: “Don’t you see what’s happening? Potter isn’t selling. Potter’s buying. And why? Because we’re panicking and he’s not.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. - U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said yesterday that the collapse of financial markets worldwide occurred as a result of the withdrawal of the Clampett fortune from the Beverly Hills Commerce Bank in Beverly Hills, California.
The withdrawal sent shock waves throughout the global economy, sending Lehman Brothers into bankruptcy and triggering the sale of Merrill Lynch to Bank of America.
“After numerous unsuccessful attempts to pursue a career at professions as varied as ‘sophisticated international playboy’ and ‘double-naught spy’ by Mr. Clampett’s nephew Jethro, a failed marriage to Hollywood heartthrob Dash Riprock by his daughter Ellie, and the arrest of his mother-in-law Granny on charges of operating an illegal distillery and practicing medicine with a license, Mr. Clampett decided he had enough,” said Mr. Paulson. “He decided to return home and he took his money with him.”
John McCain takes time from his busy campaign schedule to joke with a beggar. “Look everyone — it’s Steve Jobs! He went from selling Apples to selling apples!”
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