Blog Archives

Furious Warren Buffett Rips Rich Uncle Pennybags: ‘Charities Don’t Want Your Fake Money’

ATLANTIC CITY – Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.” Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular

Posted in Business, Extras, Life, U.S. News

BP Miracle: Virgin Mary Spotted in Oil Slick, Tells Obama to “Keep On Drilling”

NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama. “She said, ‘Don’t let this

Posted in Business, Environment, Extras, U.S. News

CIA Uncovers Japanese Plot to Suddenly Accelerate All Toyotas Tomorrow at Noon

WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate.  The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on

Posted in Business, International News

Tiger Accidentally Read Joseph Stack’s Suicide Rant Instead of Sex Scandal Apology

NEW YORK – In what public relations experts are calling “the mix up of all mix ups,” on Friday as he stood before a packed, hand-selected audience, Tiger Woods accidentally read Joseph Stack’s suicide rant instead of the apology he had prepared to

Posted in Business, Sports

Supreme Court Rules Corporations May Contribute to Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a contentious 5-4 decision authored by Justice Antonin Scalia, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled yesterday that corporations may lend financial support to the Supreme Court.  The decision follows closely on the court’s holding last month that corporations may

Posted in Ads, Business, Legal News

Toyota Recalls Godzilla Due to Safety Concerns

TOKYO – Toyota announced yet another recall late yesterday: Godzilla, the 300-foot tall star of 28 motion pictures, innumerable comic books, and video games. The automaker says it is recalling the iconic behemoth due to safety complaints following reports that it has killed in

Posted in Business

General Motors Board Meeting

“We’ve got to boost this stock price. Let’s leak the number of deaths attributable to sudden acceleration in Toyotas since 2000.”

Posted in Business

Domino’s Pizza Buys Up Toyotas With Sticking Accelerators to Speed Deliveries

Posted in Business

Abraham Zapruder Lured Out of Retirement to Film Oreo Commercial

DALLAS – Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women’s clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Signs Exclusive Contract With Fruit Of The Loom

NEW YORK – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has signed an exclusive contract with Fruit of The Loom, Inc. that requires him to wear only Fruit of The Loom undershirts for the duration of his pending trial

Posted in Business, U.S. News, War

Aviation Industry Expected to Outgrow Current Space

DAYTON – Airbus, Boeing, and Lockheed Martin say that space in the rear of the Wright Brothers’ bicycle shop at 1127 West Third Street, Dayton, Ohio, which all the major aircraft manufacturers share to produce virtually every plane in the sky, the space shuttle, and

Posted in Business

Wise Potato Chips Unveils New Mascot: “The Wise Latina Woman”

BERWICK, Pennsylvania – Wise Foods, Inc., the eastern U.S. snack food behemoth, announced today that Judge Sonia Sotomayor is replacing Wise’s iconic owl as the company’s potato chip mascot.  She will be known as “The Wise Latina Woman.” Sotomayor’s job will entail traveling around the country

Posted in Business

Town of Bedford Falls Saves General Motors From Bankruptcy

BEDFORD FALLS – General Motors Corporation was saved from bankruptcy by the generosity of the citizens of the idyllic town of Bedford Falls, New York. Last night, GM CEO Frederick “Fritz” Henderson arrived at the ramshackle home of local building and

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Posted in Business, U.S. News

Frito-Lay Taps Into Religious Fanatic Market With Virgin Mary Cheetos

NEW YORK – Frito-Lay President Albert Carey said the company will target an untapped market of religious fanatics eager to find faith-based images in the company’s iconic Cheetos snack brand.  “We will produce a special line of our cheese-flavored cornmeal snack

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Posted in Business, Religion

Voice of Mickey Mouse Dies, Replacement to be Picked From Disney’s Castrati Division

HOLLYWOOD – Wayne Allwine, who provided the falsetto voice of Mickey Mouse for 32 years, has died at 62, the Walt Disney Company said today.  Disney President Bob Iger said a replacement will be chosen from among the eunuchs in the company’s castrati

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Posted in Business, Entertainment

Burger King Assassinated! Succession Crisis Looms for Burger Kingdom

BURGERLAND – Burger King, the marvelous, magical ruler of all things meat-related who could do most anything, died yesterday at the hands of a disgruntled office seeker. Witnesses reported seeing a man pushing through the crowd gathered around the King, beckoning His

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Posted in Business, Crime, International News

Government to Back GM, Chrysler Warranties

“There’s your problem, ma’am. But don’t worry — it’s covered!”

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Posted in Business, Economy, U.S. News

General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner Resigns, Takes Job at Microsoft

A spokesman for the software giant says Wagoner’s “extensive experience overseeing the creation of inferior products people only buy out of a strange sense of duty” makes him a perfect fit for the company

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Posted in Business

Geithner Seeks New Powers to Regulate Rogue Financial Companies

Treasury Secretary says “flying would be cool,” but that he “really want[s] to be able to fire missiles at CEOs I don’t like”

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Posted in Business, Politics, U.S. News

Company to Replace All Male Employees With Females to Reap Gender Wage Gap Savings

PITTSBURGH  – Friday marks the last day of employment for Gulf Oil Company’s  13,000 male employees.  CEO Rosacea Lugosi-Swayne announced two months ago that all of the company’s male employees have received pink slips and will be replaced by females in a move to save

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Posted in Business, Gender News
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