ATLANTIC CITY - Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.”
Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.
“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.
Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!” He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.
Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.
NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama.
“She said, ’Don’t let this minor setback stop the United States from pursuing exploratory deepwater drilling, Mr. President,’” BP CEO Tony Hayward proclaimed. “That’s a direct quote from the Virgin Mary. I’m sure that BP got it exactly right.”
Hayward said BP has ceased its efforts to halt the oil spill and is concentrating on figuring out how to preserve the image of the Virgin Mary so that BP can sell it. “We plan to pay our restitution obligations with the revenue from the oily icon.”
WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate.
The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on American roadways coast to coast. Some of the viruses have gone off sooner than planned, accounting for the sudden acceleration accidents that have plagued Toyota of late.
“The plan was to destroy the American way of life with greater stealth, and more cunning, than [the Japanese] ever dreamed possible at Pearl Harbor,” explained U.S. Rep. John Mica (R., Fla.). Mica said Congress will pass emergency legislation Thursday to ground all of the targeted Toyotas.
NEW YORK – In what public relations experts are calling “the mix up of all mix ups,” on Friday as he stood before a packed, hand-selected audience, Tiger Woods accidentally read Joseph Stack’s suicide rant instead of the apology he had prepared to help put his sex scandal behind him.
Stack’s suicide manifesto was discovered after he crashed his single-engine Piper Cherokee airplane into an IRS building in Austin, Texas last week.
“We figured something was off when Tiger launched into a rambling tirade trashing the IRS, GM executives, the Catholic Church, the late Sen. Daniel Patrick Moynihan, and George W. Bush,” said communication consultant Chad Hermann. “I immediately knew he was reading either Stack’s suicide rant or the keynote address from the last Democratic National Convention.”
Woods’ publicist, Bob Haas, explained that somehow Woods “grabbed the wrong speech” on his way out of his house. “But nevertheless, I thought it was very effective.”
The decision follows closely on the court’s holding last month that corporations may contribute to political candidates.
Democratic lawmakers condemned the ruling, saying it will invite special interests to sway the court’s decisions. Justice Scalia answered critics by donning a jacket during oral argument covered with ads paid for by corporations.
The automaker says it is recalling the iconic behemoth due to safety complaints following reports that it has killed in excess of one million persons since 1954.
A Toyota executive says customer service is the top priority for the automaker.
DALLAS – Abraham Zapruder, the Dallas women’s clothing manufacturer whose home movie of the assassination of President John F. Kennedy on November 22, 1963 is the only complete visual record of the crime, is coming out of retirement to film a commercial for the popular Oreo sandwich cookie.
Zapruder, who has turned down hundreds of similar offers since that fateful day, decided this was the right project because “the twin chocolate biscuits have mesmerized the taste buds of the nation in much the same way that the assassination of President Kennedy mesmerized the nation’s taste for news in 1963.
Zapruder says he’ll use the same Bell & Howell 8mm camera that he used to film the assassination. Like the assassination film, the commercial will be exactly 26.6 seconds in length, it will be silent, and, without warning, frame 313 will explode with crackling pop-pop-pop brutality as the beloved cookie is pulled apart.
NEW YORK – Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, mastermind of the 9/11 attacks, has signed an exclusive contract with Fruit of The Loom, Inc. that requires him to wear only Fruit of The Loom undershirts for the duration of his pending trial in Federal Court.
Mr. Mohammed is accused of planning the attacks on the World Trade Center which led to the deaths of over three thousand Americans.
“I think we can all agree that nobody wears an undershirt like Khalid,” said Joe Dunn, an underwear industry analyst. “I think Fruit of The Loom is banking on a long trial, to allow maximum exposure for their product.”
DAYTON – Airbus, Boeing, and Lockheed Martin say that space in the rear of the Wright Brothers’ bicycle shop at 1127 West Third Street, Dayton, Ohio, which all the major aircraft manufacturers share to produce virtually every plane in the sky, the space shuttle, and most satellites orbiting the earth, is “cramped,” and that the aviation industry might soon outgrow it.
The Wright Brothers, Orville and Wilbur, toyed with the idea of opening up other portions of the 1,300 square foot building to the airline industry, but ruled it out due to lack of space. The Wrights build customized bicycles in the front of the shop, and their printing business takes up the entire second floor.
Insiders say relations between the Wrights and the airline manufacturers are strained. Boeing recently cancelled production of its Sonic Cruiser because one night, in a pique of anger, Wilbur Wright moved all of Boeing’s “junk” to the alley behind the shop after an engineer failed to clean up Boeing’s section of the communal workbench to Mr. Wright’s satisfaction. The materials were quickly snatched by junk collectors. Boeing says it could take up to three years to recreate what was lost that night.
BERWICK, Pennsylvania – Wise Foods, Inc., the eastern U.S. snack food behemoth, announced today that Judge Sonia Sotomayor is replacing Wise’s iconic owl as the company’s potato chip mascot. She will be known as “The Wise Latina Woman.”
Sotomayor’s job will entail traveling around the country promoting Wise Potato Chips.
Wise Foods spokesman Noah Swayne said that the company thought about giving the mascot job to a white male, but Sotomayor convinced Wise that “The Wise Latina Woman” would make a better mascot.
Swayne said Wise will “work with” Sotomayor’s schedule if she is confirmed to sit on the U.S. Supreme Court. “Wise Foods realizes we might have to be a little flexible with [Sotomayor's] time if she becomes a Supreme Court Justice. By the same token, we expect the court to understand that we have a business to run, and there will be times when we need her to travel.”
Last night, GM CEO Frederick “Fritz” Henderson arrived at the ramshackle home of local building and loan executive George Bailey and his wife Mary. Mrs. Bailey excitedly pulled Henderson into the Bailey’s inexplicably large living room that resembles a sound stage and stood him next to an oversized Christmas tree.
“It’s a miracle, Mr. Henderson! It’s a miracle!” she said, anxiously awaiting the front door to burst open. The door swung open with a fury and a throng of excited revelers forced their way in. George Bailey’s uncle Billy led the way, carrying a clothes basket full of money, which he euphorically dumped onto a makeshift table set up in front of the shocked CEO. The other town folk followed suit and, like modern day Magi, giddily spilled money from their pockets, wallets, shoe boxes and coffee pots.
NEW YORK – Frito-Lay President Albert Carey said the company will target an untapped market of religious fanatics eager to find faith-based images in the company’s iconic Cheetos snack brand.
“We will produce a special line of our cheese-flavored cornmeal snack consisting entirely of images of the Virgin Mary, Jesus and other religious figures,” Carey said.
“Now, the loonies won’t have to invent miraculous images out of strange looking Cheetos; every bag will be filled with them, to match our snack’s miraculous taste.”
HOLLYWOOD – Wayne Allwine, who provided the falsetto voice of Mickey Mouse for 32 years, has died at 62, the Walt Disney Company said today. Disney President Bob Iger said a replacement will be chosen from among the eunuchs in the company’s castrati division.
Disney is believed to be one of the last major corporations to maintain a division of castrati, men who were castrated before puberty to permanently retain their falsetto voices. The division exists solely to provide a pool of talent for the voice of Mickey Mouse.
Many of the eunuchs have said they will leave the company if they are not selected. One castrato, who asked not to be named, said he plans to take a job as the male “victim” in women’s self-defense classes. “They can pretend to kick me in the [testicles] all day long, and it won’t bother me a bit,” he giggled.
BURGERLAND – Burger King, the marvelous, magical ruler of all things meat-related who could do most anything, died yesterday at the hands of a disgruntled office seeker.
Witnesses reported seeing a man pushing through the crowd gathered around the King, beckoning His Royal Highness to come closer, and then repeatedly plunging a knife into his golden velvet robe. The King staggered back, bracing himself on two sesame seed buns, before falling forward into the arms of Mayor McCheese, who was visiting as part of a trade delegation from McDonaldland.
One woman said the assassin, who remains at large, shouted “have it your way” before committing the foul deed.
“There’s your problem, ma’am. But don’t worry — it’s covered!”
A spokesman for the software giant says Wagoner’s “extensive experience overseeing the creation of inferior products people only buy out of a strange sense of duty” makes him a perfect fit for the company
PITTSBURGH – Friday marks the last day of employment for Gulf Oil Company’s 13,000 male employees. CEO Rosacea Lugosi-Swayne announced two months ago that all of the company’s male employees have received pink slips and will be replaced by females in a move to save the company 23% on labor costs.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, there is a 23% median income disparity between males and females in the United States.
“Gulf Oil can no longer afford to subsidize one class of workers with premium pay due solely to their gender,” Ms. Lugosi-Swayne said at the time she axed the men.