Carbolic Smoke Ball Flashback: November 22, 1963: The Film Review Lee Harvey Oswald Was Writing at the Time of His Arrest

Dallas TheaterAfter President Kennedy was shot, his assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was captured inside the Texas Theater in Dallas watching a motion picture called “War is Hell.”  Here is the film review Oswald was writing at the time of his capture:

 ONE MAN’S HEAVEN IS ANOTHER MAN’S ‘WAR IS HELL’

War is Hell is about the Korean War or something.  Please excuse me if I’m sketchy on the plot because I came in late.  I was busy doing something downtown.

World War II hero Audie Murphy, narrates the film.  I, for one, could never understand how the name “Audie” is suitable for a guy.

The actors who play the platoon members all seem to be about the right age, which is a first for Hollywood. In contrast to, say, the Borscht Belt comics who play the sailors in the popular TV sitcom “McHale’s Navy,” whose average age is 58. 

 Oh, no, they’re coming for me! The jig is up . . . .

 Editor’s note: The review abruptly ends here.

Nov 22

From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: 1189 B.C.: Armor Used in Battle of Troy Recalled after Failing Tests

achillesCITY OF TROY – The Achaean Army High Command has recalled more than 6,000 sets of body armor currently being used by soldiers fighting the Battle of Troy after an audit revealed the armor suffers from a serious design defect. 

Achaean warrior Achilles explained: “Quality control testing, which entailed firing projectiles at ten now-deceased heroic soldiers, revealed that the current body armor leaves a portion of the soldier’s body completely exposed to attack — namely, from the top of the neck down to the bare feet.”

In addition, Mr. Achilles said the audit determined that the soldiers should also wear pants in battle “given the numerous mosquito bites wreaking havoc on our army’s penes and scrota, thus disfiguring the flawless genitalia known throughout the world from our Grecian vases.” 

An equally important reason for wearing pants, according to Mr. Achilles, “stems from the recent incident where Helen of Troy sniggered and chortled lustily when she caught a glimpse of several of our brave soldiers on a particularly cold evening.”

Jul 28

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor, so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it. 

Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Jul 2

From the Carbolic Archives: Anniversary of John Bobbitt’s Severed Manhood

MANASSAS, VA (June 24, 1993) – Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left her sleeping husband in bed and went to the kitchen to retrieve an eight-inch carving knife. She returned to the bedroom, pulled the sheet away from Mr. Bobbitt and, with one slice, cut off almost half his penis. She then jumped into her car and raced away, still holding her husband’s organ. She hurled the appendage into a field as she sped by.

Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt’s not-so-massive manhood and miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage. 

The penis returned to normal size “and then some” when police assigned it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.

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Jun 23

Carbolic Flashback: April 9, 1876: Frontier Advocates For Mentally Ill Will Ask Crazy Horse To Change His Name

crazyhorseFORT AGARN - Advocates for the mentally challenged will head to the Black Hills tomorrow to try and persuade Oglala Sioux leader Crazy Horse to change his name.

“In this day and age it is simply unacceptable to use terms such as ‘crazy,’” said Ms. Betty Dogooder, spokeswoman of the advocacy group known as Frontier Women For Decency.  “We hope to impress upon Mr. Horse our belief that to refer to someone as ‘crazy’ unnecessarily stigmatizes that individual in a way that is both hurtful and offensive. The ‘differently cogitating’ are no less able than the rest of society.”

Ms. Dogooder said the group had prepared a list of possible alternative names for the warrior chief to consider.  “We have ‘Horse With Screws Loose,’ ‘Horse Who Plays With Less Than Full Deck,’ and ‘Horse Who’s Not All There.’ I’m confident he’ll find at least one of them to his liking.”

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Apr 9

Carbolic Flashback: 33 A.D. Citing Problem With Subcontractors, Jesus Seeks Extension On Three Day Rebuilding of Temple

templeJERUSALEM - Jesus Christ filed a petition with the city planning commission yesterday seeking an extension on his promised three day rebuilding of the Temple. 

Mr. Christ, an itinerant preacher of the Gospel and founder of the Nazareth Depot, a one-stop shop for Holy Land carpenters, cited “problems with subcontractors” and an “unusually active sand-storm season” as the primary reasons for the delay.

“I know I said that if you tear down this Temple I would rebuild it in three days, but that was before I knew I was going to have to deal with union laborers. Every time we lay another brick some guy is going on break.”

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Apr 1

Carbolic Flashback: March 30, 1955 – Jay Silverheels, Worried About Typecasting, Will Leave The Lone Ranger After This Season

tonto-lone-rangerLOS ANGELES – Variety  is reporting that Jay Silverheels, long-time co-star of the popular Western television show “The Lone Ranger,” will leave the program after this season.

According to the show-biz Bible, Mr. Silverheels is worried that audiences will forever identify him with the taciturn, monosyllabic sidekick he plays on the small screen, limiting his chances for future employment.

“I’m more than just Tonto,” Mr. Silverheels told columnist Army Archerd. “I’m a classically trained actor. I spent eight years at the Royal Shakespeare Academy in Cambridge working under John (Gielgud) and Larry (Olivier), for God’s sake.”

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Mar 30

Carbolic Flashback: November 20, 1863: Vice-President’s Obscenity Ruins Lincoln’s Address

cwww11-1GETTYSBURG – Vice-President Hannibal Hamlin used an obscene word yesterday in casual conversation with President Lincoln just before the Union’s chief executive was to begin delivering an address dedicating the Soldiers National Cemetery, marring an historic moment.

“This is a big f—–g deal,” Hamlin said, embracing the President, whose face immediately registered an expression best described as part bemused, part disgusted. Secret Service officials quickly removed Hamlin from the podium.

A White House spokesman said the Vice President was resting comfortably at an undisclosed location after having his mouth washed out with soap, and would be making no public appearances in the near future.

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Mar 25

Carbolic Flashback: March 17, 1845: “If There’s One Thing Us Irish Can Count On, It’s the Potato”

rizzoCommentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Horace Peckham:

Well now, I’ll begin at the beginnin’, says I, and here, on the feast to honor himself, Saint Patrick, no less. Instead of telling it to you in the Irish, as is my custom, I’ll spell it out in English so that even the despicable sons of Cromwell can read what I’ve got to say.

In a world where change is practically the only constant, every century, a new technological advance (so-called) turns us upside down – from the wondrous improvements in smelting, to this dizzying cotton spinning, to the steam engine itself!

Why, aside from change, the only other thing us Irish can depend on with absolute certainty is, of course, our national staple, the potato. Starch, starch and more starch.  There’s nothing better for you if you’re Irish, ya know. We could not live without it, but we needn’t ever worry about that.

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Mar 17

Carbolic Smoke Ball Flashback: October 9 1863: Lincoln Says Union Troops Coming Home in 18 Months, Win, Lose, or Draw

lincoln3WEST POINT, N.Y. – Addressing the nation on the progress of the Civil War, President Lincoln apologized for the North’s “mistake” in waging war in the first place and blamed the Buchanan administration for all that’s gone wrong in the war “and everywhere else.”  The president then announced that the Union would see the conflict through to its conclusion, no matter what – so long as the conflict concludes by April 9, 1865, or exactly 18 months from today, because that’s when Union troops will be coming home, ”win, lose, or draw.”

The president acknowledged that signaling the date of troop withdrawal ”probably isn’t such a bright idea,” but to prove he was committed to keeping his word, he said he has purchased tickets to attend a play at Ford’s Theater in Washington on the evening of April 14, 1865.  The president has avoided attending plays while the Union is at war.  “Mrs. Lincoln and I will be seated in the presidential box in case anybody is looking for me,” Lincoln joked.

The president waxed eloquent about the noble cause of eradicating slavery, but added, ”hey, this is really the negros’ fight, not ours.”  In addition:  “We’ll help them to the extent we can, but the days of providing a blank check are over.  So, yeah, good luck to them.”

Dec 3

Carbolic Flashback: August 1, 1969: Lawrence Welk Changes Mind, Will Play Woodstock

welkHOLLYWOOD – Lawrence Welk, beloved bandleader and host of a popular weekly television show on the ABC network, told representatives of the Yippie Nation that he would accept their offer to bring his “champagne music” to the so-called “Woodstock” Festival to be held later this month.

Mr. Welk originally declined to participate, fearing that his wholesome mixture of popular American melodies and middle-of-the-road contemporary songs would be too incendiary for the volatile hippie groups sure to attend.

A three hour meeting with Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin changed his mind.

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May 1

Carbolic Flashback: September 2, 1939: President of Poland Calls German Invasion “Totally Uncalled For”

polandWARSAW - Polish President Ignacy Moscicki denounced the German invasion of his country yesterday as “totally uncalled for” and “a complete overreaction” to Nazi charges that Poland was looking at Germany funny.

Mr. Moscicki vehemently denied German foreign secretary Joachim von Ribbentrop’s allegations of dirty looks, and vowed swift action.

 ”As soon as the bombing stops long enough that I can get to my inkwell without fear of spilling all over my blue serge pants, I intend to write Mr. Hitler a letter of protest that will curl his moustache,” he promised.

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Apr 7

Carbolic Flashback: June 4, 1961: Khrushchev Lectures Kennedy on Dangers of Dance Craze Race

khrushchev4VIENNA – Premier Nikita Khrushchev warned President Kennedy yesterday about the dangers of starting a dance craze race between the two nuclear superpowers.

“If America is the land of a thousand dances, we will be the land of ten thousand dances!” the Soviet leader thundered, as members of his personal staff broke into a spontaneous demonstration of the frug, the jerk, and the monkey. 

Mr. Khruschev added that scores of top Soviet choreagraphical scientists were working round the clock at a secret studio  deep within the Ural mountains creating a dance that will be bigger than “the twist.”

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Feb 23

Carbolic Flashback: February 13, 1929: “Blessed Be The Peacemaker! I Have Arranged a St. Valentine’s Day Reconciliation Between the Capone and Moran Gangs!”

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

Tomorrow — fittingly enough, St. Valentine’s Day – at 10:30 a.m., seven members of ”Bugs” Moran’s North Side gang will meet with four members of the Al Capone gang at a garage located inside the SMC Cartage Company on the North Side of town. At that time, in that place, these men shall, once and for all, iron out all their differences, and, lo, there shall be peace in Chicago’s gang lands!

If you’ve been living under a rock the past few years, you might have missed the news that for some time, Messrs. Moran and Capone have been battling for control of the lucrative Chicago bootlegging business, with a considerable death toll. Many have tried to stanch the blood-flow to no avail, until I became involved.  

You see, this meeting was my idea. I convinced both sides that murder generally is bad for business. I rarely take credit for my behind-the-scenes efforts to bring healing to a scarred world, but I can truthfully say that I have never been more proud of anything I’ve done. Many are talking about a Nobel Peace Prize for me, and, yes, that might just be appropriate here, because this meeting was anything but easy to pull off.

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Feb 13

Carbolic Flashback: February 15, 1929: Moran Gang Wiped Out By Capone Gang in St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

al_capone2

Feb 13

Carbolic Flashback: May 31st, 1944: FDR, Hitler Make Friendly Wager on Outcome of Normandy Invasion

normandyWASHINGTON - Franklin Delano Roosevelt and Adolph Hitler have placed a friendly wager on the outcome of this week’s Normandy invasion, according to a press release issued by the White House yesterday.

According to the release, if the Allied Expeditionary Forces prevail, the Fuehrer will have to send six pounds of German sausage, two pounds of sauerkraut and ten barrels of Munich beer to the President’s Hyde Park residence. If, however, the Allies are, as Mr. Hitler predicted, “thrown back into the sea in a firestorm of shrapnel, only to drown like rats,” Mr. Roosevelt is responsible for delivering a gallon of matzoh ball soup, two pounds of extra lean corned beef and one dozen potato pancakes to the Nazi leader’s weekend retreat at Berchtesgaden.

“Needless to say, both sides are pretty excited about this matchup. We’ve got our work cut out for us,” said Secretary of State Cordell Hull.  He explained: ”To beat a country in a World War once is difficult, but twice in the same century is really tough. It’s always a football game when the United States and Germany get together.”

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Jan 14

#2: Sarah Palin’s Baby is an Alien!

palinalienbaby2

ST. PAUL – Prominent progressive blogger Markos Moulitsas today broke the shocking news that the infant son of Alaska Governor Sarah Palin does not suffer from Down syndrome but is, in fact, an alien.  

In a blog post entitled, “So much for human-only reproduction,” Moulitsas downplayed the theory, given ample coverage on his web site this weekend, that the child was actually born to Palin’s 17-year-old daughter, Bristol.  ”I don’t think the evidence is there to claim Trig is Bristol’s son,” Moulitsas wrote, “but a second rumor floating around Alaskan crop circles turns out to have been true: the little bastard is an alien.”

Moulitsas’ report included a shocking family photo, apparently smuggled out of the governor’s mansion by a disgruntled nursemaid, that shows Palin cradling her bug-eyed, antennaed baby in a space-age thermal blanket.  

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Dec 31

Carbolic Flashback: Phoenicia, 731 B.C.: Community Activists Demand Incentives for Human Sacrifice Pit Proposed for Their Neighborhood

TYRE – Members of a community group from Tyre’s east end met with city officials last night to present their demands for incentives and community benefits in exchange for the new human sacrifice pit slated to be built in their neighborhood next year.

The group is demanding that community residents be given preference for jobs in both the construction and operation of the new pit.  

Community elder Cyrus Arwad, 27, touted the fact that the neighborhood has dozens of exceptionally strong men perfectly suited not only for digging the pit but for throwing the human sacrifices into it “and insuring they stay there” while the fires consume them.

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Jul 23

Carbolic Flashback: July 21, 1969: Michelle Obama in the News

More reaction about yesterday’s historic moon landing, where American Neil Armstrong became the first human being to walk on the surface of the moon:

“No, I can’t say this makes me proud of my country.”

Michelle Robinson, 5 yrs. old, Chicago

Jul 21

From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: June 4, 1961

Khrushchev Makes Indecent Proposal to Kennedy: Soviet Premier Tells U.S. Prez: “I Won’t Put Missiles in Cuba If You Let Me Sleep With Your Wife”

VIENNA, Austria – Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev has reportedly offered President John F. Kennedy his solemn pledge to refrain from placing offensive missiles in Cuba if Kennedy will allow him to sleep with his wife, according to sources privy to discussions between the superpower leaders.

It is also being reported that Premier Khrushchev offered his own wife to President Kennedy “for as long as he wants.” However, President Kennedy declined, using his trademark wit and charm. “The President told Mr. Khrushchev that his fields were already plowed and planted, and that he wouldn’t need any beasts of burden in the immediate future.”

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Jul 17

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