Carbolic Flashback: Phoenicia, 731 B.C.: Community Activists Demand Incentives for Human Sacrifice Pit Proposed for Their Neighborhood

TYRE - Members of a community group from Tyre’s east end met with city officials last night to present their demands for incentives and community benefits in exchange for the new human sacrifice pit slated to be built in their neighborhood next year.

The group is demanding that community residents be given preference for jobs in both the construction and operation of the new pit.  

Community elder Cyrus Arwad, 27, touted the fact that the neighborhood has dozens of exceptionally strong men perfectly suited not only for digging the pit but for throwing the human sacrifices into it “and insuring they stay there” while the fires consume them.

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Jul 23

Carbolic Flashback: July 21, 1969: Michelle Obama in the News

More reaction about yesterday’s historic moon landing, where American Neil Armstrong became the first human being to walk on the surface of the moon:

“No, I can’t say this makes me proud of my country.”

Michelle Robinson, 5 yrs. old, Chicago

Jul 21

From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: June 4, 1961

Khrushchev Makes Indecent Proposal to Kennedy: Soviet Premier Tells U.S. Prez: “I Won’t Put Missiles in Cuba If You Let Me Sleep With Your Wife”

VIENNA, Austria - Soviet Premier Nikita Khrushchev has reportedly offered President John F. Kennedy his solemn pledge to refrain from placing offensive missiles in Cuba if Kennedy will allow him to sleep with his wife, according to sources privy to discussions between the superpower leaders.

It is also being reported that Premier Khrushchev offered his own wife to President Kennedy “for as long as he wants.” However, President Kennedy declined, using his trademark wit and charm. “The President told Mr. Khrushchev that his fields were already plowed and planted, and that he wouldn’t need any beasts of burden in the immediate future.”

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Jul 17

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams assured me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting. Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information. I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November between me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold and I had nowhere else to sleep). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

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Jul 3

From the Carbolic Archives: 15th Anniversary of John Bobbitt’s Severed Penis

MANASSAS, VA (June 24, 1993) - Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left her sleeping husband in bed and went to the kitchen to retrieve an eight-inch carving knife. She returned to the bedroom, pulled the sheet away from Mr. Bobbitt and, with one slice, cut off almost half his penis. She then jumped into her car and raced away, still holding her husband’s organ. She hurled the appendage into a field as she sped by.

It is the policy of this news outlet not to publish the names of victims of sexual assault, so the nickname Mr. Bobbitt gave his penis will not be printed.

Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt’s not-so-massive manhood. They miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage. Police were able to restore the penis to normal size “and then some” by assigning it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.

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Jun 23

From the Archives of the Carbolic Smoke Ball: June 10, 1908

Rasputin opens barber shop; beloved “Stylist to the Czars” now offering Tonsorial Services for Serfs

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA - Grigory Rasputin, bon vivant and holy man-about-town, celebrated the grand opening of his new barber shop yesterday by distributing free balloons and haircuts to the first fifty serfs through the door. The shop is conveniently located at the corner of Ivan the Terrible Boulevard and Peter the Great Place.

“Let me tell you, I’m tired,” said Mr. Rasputin, fixing his hypnotic gaze on this reporter as he prepared to close after a long day of trimming, cutting, shaping and styling. “I haven’t worked this hard since last year’s Romanov family picnic.” Mr. Rasputin, who enjoys extraordinary influence with the Tsarina and her family, said the opening of his own barber shop for Russian peasants was the fulfillment of a life-long dream.

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Jun 10

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