WASHINGTON, D.C. – A government panel studying the effects of stigmatization in the children’s plaything industry will publish their conclusions in a white paper to be released today, according to sources familiar with the document. The report is expected to recommend that residents of the Island of Misfit Toys, a residence home for toys with special qualities that fall outside long-held standards for what society identifies as “normal,” be henceforth and forevermore referred to as differently-abled.

“At last, we’re going to be treated with the same dignity and respect that all toys have had since their manufacturers brought them into this world,” said a Jack-In-The-Box that cries, a long-term island resident who provided crucial closed-door testimony to investigators.

The report is also expected to call for the assimilation of differently-abled toys into children’s toy boxes and playpens as soon as this Christmas, a move advocates of mainstreaming for the play-defective have long supported.

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