Sam Wainwright Saves Nation From Fiscal Cliff

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The nation was pulled from the brink of the fiscal cliff tonight and spared financial calamity in a dramatic, and historically unprecedented, scene on the floor of the House of Representatives.

At 9:50 p.m., Ernie Bishop, a local cabdriver, interrupted a House debate in order to read a telegram addressed to the nation from billionaire playboy Sam Wainwright.

“I just got this, it’s from London,” said Mr. Bishop, holding the telegram in the air.  He proceeded to read it aloud in a calm and steady voice: ”Mr. Gower cabled you need cash. Stop. My office instructed to advance you up to two trillion dollars. Stop. Hee-haw and Merry Christmas. Sam Wainwright.”

Seasoned politicians burst into cheers and hugged one another. Former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi shouted, “Mr. Martini, how about some wine?”  It was unclear who she was addressing since there is no House representative named Martini. Then the crowd spontaneously burst into a boisterous rendition of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” until some Democrats realized they were singing a religious song and stormed out.

Dec 31

Boy Gives Fred Rogers’ Head Violent Twist, breaks Neck, ‘Because I Could’

Dec 17

Hillary Clinton’s Concussion Gave Her Amnesia About Benghazi, GOP Calls on ‘Gilligan’s Island’ Creator Sherwood Schwartz to Reverse the Ailment

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton sustained a concussion after fainting from dehydration at her home, her office said Saturday. The knock on the head reportedly gave her amnesia about events surrounding the attack on the U.S. diplomatic mission in Benghazi, Libya, so she won’t be testifying this week at congressional hearings dealing with the attacks.

In response to the news, congressional Republican leaders contacted legendary sitcom producer Sherwood Schwartz, creator of the beloved ’60s series Gilligan’s Island, to help reverse Clinton’s amnesia. Schwartz is regarded as an authority on the subject because of the groundbreaking episode in which the Skipper contracted the ailment.

Schwartz said that the only way to reverse Clinton’s amnesia is to have someone bat her on the head with a force equal to the original blow.  Every Republican in congress volunteered to strike the blow.

Dec 15

SPIELBERG, DAY-LEWIS TEAM UP FOR MILLARD FILLMORE BIOPIC

(Hollywood) Director Steven Spielberg will begin production soon on “Fillmore,” his long-awaited biographical film of the life of America’s thirteenth President. The announcement was made in a press release issued yesterday by Dreamworks Pictures, Mr. Spielberg’s production company. Actor Daniel Day Lewis, fresh from his star turn in Spielberg’s last foray into presidential cinema, “Lincoln,” is expected to play the title role.

“Millard Fillmore has always been one of my heroes,” said Spielberg. “I have spent my entire professional life dreaming of the opportunity to commit the fascinating debate over The Compromise of 1850 to celluloid. At last, my dream will become reality.”

A publicist for Mr. Day-Lewis said the actor was beginning the laborious process of immersing himself in the many facets of Fillmore’s personality. “For the past several days, Daniel will only answer to Millard. He has changed his voter registration card to Whig. He is committed to this part.”

Dec 12

CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: December 6, 1936: STALIN, SANTA CLAUS SIGN MUTUAL NON-AGGRESSION PACT

(Moscow) Premier Joseph Stalin and Santa, a friend of the proletariat formerly identified as an Enemy of the State Capitalist Toy-Monger from the North by the Soviet press, concluded a mutual non-aggression pact at the Kremlin yesterday, according to sources.

A beaming Premier Stalin and Foreign Minister Vyacheslev Molotov watched as Santa signed the documents in the company of his personal assistant, an elf named Hermie.

The pact allows Santa Claus to fly through Soviet airspace without fear of reprisal, provided Mr. Claus does not disburse presents to Soviet children that contain harmful counterrevolutionary elements. The pact expressly forbids Mr. Claus to dispense toys to any children currently residing in labor camps or gulags.

“This Christmas, we welcome the return to our motherland of Comrade Claus,” said Premier Stalin in a radio broadcast.

“On behalf of the entire Politburo, the leadership of the Communist party wishes you and yours a happy holiday season.”

Dec 12

Hermey the Elf-Dentist Makes First TV Appearance Since Racially-Charged Meltdown at The Laugh Factory

HOLLYWOOD – Hermey, 63, who won an Emmy Award for playing a nerdy misfit elf who wanted to be a dentist in the Rankin/Bass stop-motion animation classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,  has landed his first regular TV gig in more than a decade. He’ll co-star opposite Kirstie Alley and Rhea Perlman in the TV Land pilot Giant Baby, according to Variety.

Hermey’s career was derailed in 2006 when he shouted the N-word at black hecklers in a racially-charged meltdown at Hollywood’s Laugh Factory.  Hermey made a public apology via satellite on the Late Show with David Letterman, with Rudolph vouching for his character.

Dec 5

Beyoncé Scrapped as Super Bowl Halftime Headliner; Instead, Bob Costas Will Come on the Field and Talk About Abortion, Gun Control, Cuts in Entitlements, and Other Divisive Issues

Dec 4

ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS TO BE RENAMED ISLAND OF DIFFERENTLY-ABLED TOYS

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A government panel studying the effects of stigmatization in the children’s plaything industry will publish their conclusions in a white paper to be released today, according to sources familiar with the document. The report is expected to recommend that residents of the Island of Misfit Toys, a residence home for toys with special qualities that fall outside long-held standards for what society identifies as “normal,” be henceforth and forevermore referred to as differently-abled.

“At last, we’re going to be treated with the same dignity and respect that all toys have had since their manufacturers brought them into this world,” said a Jack-In-The-Box that cries, a long-term island resident who provided crucial closed-door testimony to investigators.

The report is also expected to call for the assimilation of differently-abled toys into children’s toy boxes and playpens as soon as this Christmas, a move advocates of mainstreaming for the play-defective have long supported.

Dec 3