Scenes From the Olympics: Queen Gets Tipsy, Mistakes US Ambassador for President Obama

“And I’m glad to see you’re not looking quite so black tonight, Mr. President.  You really ought to ditch the negro girl.”

Jul 29

Scenes from the Olympics: Princess Anne Released from Tower of London for Opening Ceremony

Jul 29

Michael Phelps Blown Out, ABC News Speculates on Tea Party Connection

Jul 28

First Olympic Event: Teens Selected by Lottery Compete in Televised Battle to the Death

Jul 27

Disturbing YouTube Video Shows International Olympic Committee Terrorizing Homeless Man With Olympic Torch

LONDON – The International Olympic Committee is being questioned in connection with a barbaric three-minute video that appeared on YouTube over the weekend showing more than three dozen Olympic Committee members taunting and terrorizing a homeless man with the iconic Olympic Torch.

A spokesman for Scotland Yard said the incident, which occurred in London last week, was “an animalistic assault that was made all the more vicious because one of the [Olympic Committee members] videotaped it for sport.”  Throughout the ordeal, the homeless man was visibly distressed and pleaded with his attackers to stop.

Police are searching for the man to insure he is not injured.  “We believe he suffers from a mental disorder,” said Scotland Yard spokesman Noah Swayne.  “So we suspect he’ll try to run for Parliament.”

Jul 25

Breaking News: Mama’s Little Baby No Longer Loves Shortnin’ Bread

Jul 24

NCAA Imprisons Paterno Statue, JoePa’s Likeness Attacked By Other Statues in Shower

Jul 23

ABC News Holds Prayer Vigil, Asks God to Make ‘Batman’ Shooter a Tea Party Member

Jul 21

Bernie Madoff Files Motion for New Trial Citing the ‘Obama Defense’

 

“Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC?  I didn’t build that. Somebody else made that happen.”

Jul 17

Obama Bombshell: ‘Wizard of Oz was Major Political Influence’

WASHINGTON – In an exclusive interview on The View yesterday, President Barack Obama revealed that the Wizard of Oz’s teachings were a significant influence on his political thinking and that he has largely modeled his administration’s agenda on them.

Mr. Obama said he got the idea of affordable health care from the Wizard.

“Look, when the Tin Man needed a new heart,” the President explained, “the Wizard didn’t ask him if he had health insurance and didn’t care if his heart problem was a pre-existing condition.  He just reached into his bag and pulled one out at no cost.”

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Jul 16

A Few Revisions Needed

Dear Victor,

Thank you for considering our publishing house for your manuscript of Les Miserables. (That is the working title, correct? You’re going to come up with something easier to pronounce in the final draft, I assume.)

Unfortunately, we find several problems with the manuscript in its present form.

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Jul 16

The Dining Column

Il Cucina Mordita, 7th and Main. (Existentialist Fusion. Lunch $25-35, dinner $75-120. Atmosphere: casual.)

The most striking thing about Hermann and Xantippe Kloob’s newest entry into the chef-owned genre of intimate American fusion cuisine is the twin severed heads adorning the the newell posts on the stairway leading to their upper floor restaurant. The heads, which are not really from a set of twins — Hermann was quick to tell us they died eight months apart — speak to the fevered impermanence of both tastes and perfection.

Every dish at Cucina Mordita is infused with that spirit in the quest to turn an evening’s meal into a reunion of primitive want and evolutionary imperative. From the absinthe-and-curry aperitif to the fermented mussels in a roux of Pakistani government surplus butter, the dishes here demand immediate consumption yet with a constant attention to taste. The dynamic between the server’s admonition of, “better dash this down because it’s not gonna keep” and my companion’s endless iterations of, “Does this taste right to you?” offered the necessary counterpoints that remind us that food is — as soon shall we all be — a once-living thing.

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Jul 11

Ask a physicist

Q. I recently discovered a Higgs boson particle behind my sofa. My first thought was to sweep it into a small pan and release it outside, but my wife says they are very rare and that there is no assurance it could survive in the wild, especially as its presence behind the sofa suggests it has been domesticated. Possibly, the home’s previous owner left it behind in the mistaken impression that it had run away. I know this sort of thing happens with cats. What is the best course of action?

S. Hawking, London, Ont.

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Jul 6

God Finds Peter Higgs Particle

Jul 5

Sheriff Andy Taylor is Dead at 86

Beloved lawman’s reputation marred by his role as instigator of Rodney King beating

Jul 4