‘Why don’t people break chairs over each other’s heads anymore?’

Local Man2Guest commentary by Noah Swayne:  This morning, I got out of bed, donned the old coonskin cap, and, as my daddy used to say, took a shower. 

Then it dawned on me: why don’t people break chairs over each other’s heads anymore? 

In the old days, when a barroom brawl broke out, before it was over, one of the combatants would pick up a chair and slam it atop the other guy’s head.

So, what happened?  From what I can tell, the kids aren’t even being taught fundamental chair slamming techniques, so if a barroom brawl broke out – well, good luck, is all I can say.

The world has gone to hell.

Apr 24

Man’s Death From Heart Attack ‘Just the Wake-Up Call He Needed’

PLEASANT HILLS, Pa. – Vera Marcal said her husband’s death from chronic heart disease last week was “just the wake-up call he needed” after a lifetime of overeating. Julius Marcal, 38, of Pleasant Hills died last week after suffering his second heart attack in the past two years.

“I’ve been after him to lose weight for years,” Mrs. Marcal gloated. “When I saw him clutching his chest, I knew this was just the thing he needed to put an end to those bad habits. Some people have to be hit over the head, you know.”

Mr. Marcal was buried from St. Elizabeth’s Church following a funeral Saturday.

Apr 23

Zimmerman apologizes to Trayvon Martin family: ‘I had no idea he was a friend of Al Sharpton’

Apr 20

Titanic Shocker!

Last week, an underwater camera searching the Titanic wreckage snapped a photo of  a pair of shoes on a male victim.  Yesterday, another photo revealed that the shoes are missing.  Late yesterday afternoon, director James Cameron was spotted strolling down Rodeo Drive — wearing the shoes.

Apr 19

June Cleaver Puts Out $100,000 Bounty for the Capture of Hilary Rosen

Beaver’s mom ‘livid’ over comments about stay-at-home moms

Apr 13

Obama to bunny: “This is my last election. And after my election, I have more flexibility.”

Apr 9

‘It would be unprecedented for the Supreme Court to declare a law unconstitutional’

Obama joins staff of Carbolic Smoke Ball

Apr 5

‘Earth Hour’ Tragedy: Farmhouse Overrun By Zombies When Family Turns Off Floodlights

zombies_nightofthelivingdeadCLARKSVILLE, PA - All three members of the local Cooper family, husband and wife Harry, 38, and Helen, 35, and their daughter Karen, 16, were brutally dismembered by marauding zombies Saturday night after Mrs. Cooper shut off the floodlights atop the Coopers’ home in observance of Earth Hour.  Police say the floodlights were the only thing that deterred the zombies at night. 

“Normally, the [floodlights] bathed the entire perimeter of [the Cooper's] property in light and kept the zombies away,” said Sheriff Mick “Mac” McClelland.

“We are investigating the extent of Mr. Al Gore’s responsibility for this attack.”

Apr 1