Last Night’s South Carolina GOP Presidential Debate: Romney Responds to Question, ‘Describe the Waitress Whose Breasts Most Impressed You’

Jan 17

Carbolic Flashback: Anthem for Civil Rights Movement Resulted From Error in Transcription

In 1962, singer-activist Joan Baez invited Dr. Martin Luther King and his wife to dinner. Dr. King telephoned Baez to accept her invitation and spoke with her secretary.

“Please tell Ms. Baez we shall come over,” Dr. King said.

But the secretary erroneously scribbled, “Please tell Ms. Baez we shall overcome,” and the rest is history.

Jan 16

No True Equality Until There are Mattress Sales on Martin Luther King Day

judgepCommentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham

As it turns out, today isn’t so special after all.

Today is Martin Luther King Day, and there are no mattress advertisements to celebrate it as there are on Presidents Day when we honor two dead white men.

Imagine a TV ad featuring a cartoon of Marin Luther King’s face saying, “I had a dream — because I slept like a baby on my Excelsior Beauty Sleep Mattress®.” 

By any measure, that would be a great commercial. Sadly, we, as a society, haven’t reached that point where Dr. King is deemed a worthy salesman for mattresses. 

And that, dear readers, tells us everything we need to know about race relations in America in 2011.

Jan 16

Newt Gingrich Grilled at Black Church

Jan 15

Old Lady Claims She Had Romance With Teen Stowaway Aboard Costa Concordia Cruise Ship, Left Diamond Necklace on Sinking Ship

Jan 15

Pirates to Boost Attendance by Luring Occupy Protesters to PNC Park

PITTSBURGH – Pirates owner Bob Nutting, a surprise witness at the injunction hearing to oust Occupy Pittsburgh from BNY Mellon’s downtown park this morning, offered the Occupy protesters “a permanent home” inside PNC Park in a move to boost the team’s attendance. 

Mr. Nutting made an impassioned plea at the close of his testimony that purportedly swayed many of the protesters. He explained that there is “no more appropriate spot” in Pittsburgh for a protest by the 99 percent than PNC Park, and he touted Pirate ownership’s “long-standing and well known corporate greed, hubris, and disdain for the working class values on which this country was built.”

The protesters are expected to make their decision on Mr. Nutting’s offer tomorrow.

 

Jan 12

Gomer Pyle One of Four Marines Who Urinated on Taliban Fighters

WASHINGTON – Beloved hayseed and ’60s sitcom star Private Gomer Pyle was identified as one of four U.S. marines depicted in a video urinating on the corpses of Taliban fighters. 

The other urinating marines have been identified as Corporal Gilbert “Duke” Slater, short-fused Gunnery Sergeant Vincent Carter, and Sergeant Charley Hacker.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai said he “is shocked that Private Pyle is one of the pee-ers.”

Private Pyle’s longtime girlfriend, Lou-Ann Poovie, said that the predicament “is a typical one” for Pyle. “His simple, trusting nature is often taken advantage of by others. My guess is that conniving Sgt. Hacker was playing a mean-spirited prank and that he somehow convinced Gomer that his urine would help the Taliban corpse he was pissing on.”

Jan 12

Atomic Scientists Discover Batteries in Doomsday Clock are Dead, Have No Idea How Close World is to Annihilation

CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of possible global annihilation, discovered today that the clock’s batteries have been dead for an indeterminate amount of time.

Records indicate the batteries were last known to be functional in 2002, and the clock’s big hand has been at six minutes before midnight since then. Midnight represents the end of the world.

With the batteries dead, scientists say they have “no idea” how close the world is to total destruction. “For all we know, we could be just seconds away,” said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists that maintains the clock.

Jan 10

Obama Taps ‘Misfit Toys’ Sovereign to Lead Immigration Reform

WASHINGTON – President Obama named King Moonracer, sovereign of the Island of Misfit Toys, as the nation’s new immigration czar.

In making the announcement, the president said that “the compassion the King showed toward three misfit humans in letting them stay as guests on his island, but not as permanent residents, is the kind of wisdom America needs to reform its immigration policy.”

Republicans immediately attacked the appointment. Former House speaker and presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich said Moonracer is a “do-nothing.”

“He’s got all these misfit toys that he doesn’t know what to do with,” Gingrich said, “yet he never bothers to approach Santa Claus for help in placing them. He waits until, by happenstance, he meets a red-nosed caribou who claims to know Santa, and only then does the King ask the caribou to do what the King should have done years earlier — tell Santa about his island.”

Former Gov. Rick Perry echoed Gingrich’s sentiments. “The wings creep me out.”

Jan 8

Newt Gingrich Denies He’s Out for Revenge, Tells Romney: ‘You’re Gonna Learn About Loss’

Jan 5

Santorum: ‘Pope Benedict To Be My VP’

DES MOINES – In a bold bid to build on the momentum of his razor close second place finish in the Iowa Caucuses, former Senator Rick Santorum announced that if he is the GOP nominee for president, Pope Benedict will serve as his running mate.

Party stalwarts had mixed reactions. Some applauded the move as “just crazy enough that it might work,” while others questioned the Pontiff’s conservative credentials.

“I’m afraid that if America needs to blow something up,” said Gov. Rick Perry, “the Pope might be guided by the New Testament instead of the Republican Party Platform, which would be a real problem.”

Jan 4

Romney’s Eight Vote Victory in Iowa Caucuses Came From Disembodied Ballplayers in Cornfield

“Occupy Iowa Cornfields”

Jan 4

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