Hugo Chávez, Tapped to Play Curly in Farrelly Brothers’ ‘Three Stooges,’ Calls Moe an ‘Imperialist Swine’

Dec 30

Joe Paterno: Incapable of Doing Wrong

Commentary by the Hon. Rufus Peckham, Editor of Carbolic Smoke Ball – Joseph Vincent Paterno, the iconic face of Penn State football for five decades who has done more good for this world than any carbon-based lifeform since St. Paul, has fallen victim to a good old fashioned PC smear by the progressive hags with a “rape” agenda at NOW and similar cesspools.

These banshees and their limp-wristed male enablers have long harbored a jealousy of Mr. Paterno bordering on the pathological because of his unmatched success in a field they could only dream being a part of: college football. So they did what every hate group throughout history has done: they destroyed the thing they are jealous of.

But forcing Joe out as Penn State head coach wasn’t enough for these vermin.  Now they’ve manufactured a hissy fit over news that when the Great Man heard that Jerry Sandusky was spotted fondling a young boy in the Penn State shower, he didn’t notify his superiors right away because he “didn’t want to interfere with their weekends.”

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Dec 29

Man Threatens to Jump From Ledge

VATICAN CITY – A man brought a section of Rome to a halt Sunday when he threatened to jump off a ledge in the Vatican.

Police are not identifying the man, but witnesses say he wore a white skullcap, ornate vestments, and a Papal ring.

Police officers concluded the man was delusional based on the list of demands he presented that included peace on earth and goodwill toward men. Psychiatric specialists spoke with him for forty-five minutes before convincing him to come down.  He was taken to a local hospital to be evaluated.

Dec 25

Cornelius, Zeira to Host Discovery Channel’s “Christmas on the Planet of the Apes”

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Dec 23

Santa Claus Seriously Injured in Electric Razor Accident; Mobile Norelco was Traveling Too Fast for Conditions

santanorelcoa-22NORTH POLE – Santa Claus, jolly head of an Upper-Arctic toy and novelty empire, was seriously injured yesterday when the Norelco Razor he was riding collided with a pine tree.

Police said the force of the collision threw Mr. Claus nearly twenty yards from the razor. He was found unconscious in a snow bank.  Authorities said Mr. Claus was not wearing a seat belt. Police found an empty bottle of scotch and a loaded revolver inside the glove compartment of the razor.

Mr. Claus was put in an immobilizer, placed on a stretcher, and taken by helicopter to North Pole Suburban General. The results of toxicology tests were unavailable at press time. Mr. Claus remains in critical condition.

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Dec 20

Found: Louis Farrakhan’s Historic Lost Recording of “White Christmas”

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Dec 20

Alvin Found Dead in London Hotel Room, Chipmunks Cancel Remainder of European Tour

alvin1LONDON – Alvin, the so-called “cute” Chipmunk, was found dead in his London hotel room this morning following a night of debauchery with his German girlfriend.

According to toxicology reports released by Alvin’s personal veterinarian, the singing rodent died in his bed after consuming a massive quantity of wine and nine Vesperax sleeping pills.

A representative for Mr. David Seville, manager of the beloved group, issued the following statement: “It is believed that Alvin most likely choked to death on his own vomit. Or, perhaps it was an acorn.”  The two surviving members of the Chipmunks were unavailable for comment.

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Dec 20

Little Drummer Boy Asked to “Play that Thing Outside,” Virgin Mary Claims He’s Waking the Baby

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Dec 20

Salvation Army Bell Ringer Mauled by Salivating Dogs, Pavlov Denies Responsibility

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Dec 20

Jean Claude Van-Damme to Host “A Kick-Boxing Christmas”; Special to Feature Plenty of Kicking, Boxing, Caroling

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Dec 20

Parson Brown Sues Couple for Identity Theft

snowman1The Parson’s complaint claims that in the meadow the defendants built a snowman and pretended it was him.

Dec 20

Home Invaders Demand Figgy Pudding, Won’t Go Until They Get Some, Won’t Go Until They Get Some

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Dec 20

ACLU Obtains Injunction to Stop Linus From Reciting Scripture in School Auditorium

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Dec 20

Santa to Decide After Christmas if He’s Coming Back Next Year

badsanta4At most, veteran toy giver would sign one-year deal

Dec 20

Stuttering Caroler Ruins Christmas Concert, Repeats the Sounding Joy

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Dec 20

61 Drown at Bedford Falls High as Dance Floor Opens Over Pool

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Dec 20

FBI: Boy Who Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus Has Been Shaking the Old Woman Down Since 1952

may-22-2006-075a-1Mother paid son millions in hush money because he repeatedly sang, “Oh, what a laugh it would have been, if Daddy had only seen, Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night”

Dec 20

“Joseph, the test results are back, and you’re not the father.”

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Dec 20

Gingrich Plan to Make English America’s Official Language Would Outlaw ‘Adeste Fideles’ and ‘Auld Lang Syne’

Dec 20

Penn State’s McQueary Testifies: “I Saw Pedophile Snowman With Kids and a Broomstick Running Here and There All Around the Square Saying, ‘Catch Me If You Can!’”

Dec 20

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