Obama Beheads Turkey With Bare Hands, Forces Daughters to Watch

Nov 24

Fox News: College Pepper Spray Attack Gave Victims Minimum Daily Vegetable Requirements

Fox News' Bill O'Reilly

Nov 23

Turkey Pardoned By Obama: “No Secret Deal”

s-obama-turkey-pardon-large-20101124-485WASHINGTON – The turkey pardoned by President Obama in the White House’s annual Thanksgiving clemency ritual thanked the President after returning to his retirement compound in San Clemente, California. The newly freed fowl denied rumors in the turkey community that he made a “secret deal” for his pardon.

“Let’s get serious. What could I offer the President in a deal? I’m a turkey.”

The turkey revealed that he and Obama hit if off — “we’re on the same wavelength,” he explained — but chided the press for treating the annual turkey pardon in a lighthearted manner. “To me, this is life or death; to you, I’m just a punchline.”

The turkey revealed that he intends to devote his retirement years to writing his memoirs and acting as an elder statesman on poultry matters.

Nov 23

Newt Gingrich Imprints on Iowa

RIVER CITY, IOWA – Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich said he formed an everlasting bond with Iowa and made the state his “soul mate” yesterday by imprinting on it, a biological phenomenon that usually occurs spontaneously. 

But Gingrich’s political foes are crying “foul,” claiming the move was politically motivated so that Gingrich will win the January 3, 2012 Republican Iowa Caucuses.

Gingrich denies the allegations. “It was just something that happened,” Gingrich explained. “I looked at Iowa, Iowa looked at me, and something came over both of us.”

Nov 21

Paterno Vows Revenge on Rape Victim

JoePaterno_AngrySTATE COLLEGE, PA – Fired Penn State football coach Joe Paterno said he will “get” the young man whose alleged rape in a PSU shower in 2002 led to the long-time coach’s ouster this week. 

In 2002, Paterno was informed that a 10-year-old boy allegedly had been raped by one of Paterno’s former assistant coaches.  Paterno reported the allegation to the school’s athletic director, but not to police.

“He’s sullied my good name with this rape business, and you have my word, he’s going to pay for it,” an angry Paterno told reporters.

Nov 12

Herman Cain Unveils New ‘Plan 9-9-9 From Outer Space’

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Nov 3