Bachmann Reads Statement From God Lowering America’s Rating From AAA to AA+

BachWASHINGTON – In a hastily staged press conference last night, Rep. Michelle Bachmann (Minn.) breathlessly read a lengthy statement she said she had received from God.

“The Creator wants me to read this document verbatim,” she explained. 

The document was a 17-page explanation for God’s decision to reduce America’s rating from AAA to AA+. Among other things, the deity said: “The downgrade reflects the Trinity’s view that the effectiveness, stability, and predictability of American policy-making and political institutions have weakened at a time of ongoing fiscal and economic challenges to a degree more than we had previously envisioned.”

At the conclusion of the statement, God denied any connection with Hurricane Irene. “That was just a normal weather pattern out of the Caribbean,” He noted.

Aug 30

Lyrics to ‘Goodnight Irene’ Eerily Predicted Hurricane

The American folk standard “Goodnight Irene,” written in 1908, is the number one Google search today, because the lyrics to the second verse seem to eerily predict Hurricane Irene’s arrival in Manhattan–103 years before it happened.

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Aug 26

Washington Monument Cracked By Earthquake: Obama Calls for All Cracks in National Monuments To Be Fixed

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Aug 26

Rep. Barney Frank Reacted to Earthquake Minutes Before It Began

FrankWASHINGTON – Ten minutes before Tuesday’s east coast earthquake, Rep. Barney Frank (D. Mass) engaged in conduct indicating he could sense it was coming.

Witnesses say Frank fell to the floor of the House chamber and began writhing around in distress. Then, he began emitting strange sounds that Speaker John Boehner (R. Ohio) termed “belch vocalizing.” Boehner described the sound as ”an unhappy or upset noise normally reserved for extreme irritation.”

Aug 25

5.8 Kardashian Orgasm Felt as Far North as New York City

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Aug 23

Biden Vacationing on Martha’s Vineyard’s Less Posh Sister Island, Marvin’s Vineyard

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Aug 23

Obama’s Vacation: Mayor Larry Vaughn Warns Prez Not to Panic the Public–’And Those Beaches Will Be Open This Weekend’

vaughnMARTHA’S VINEYARD – President Obama interrupted his vacation to seek advice from the longtime mayor of this posh seaside resort, Larry Vaughn.

Speaking in metaphors, Vaughn emphatically told Obama not to panic the populace about the economy.  “It’s all psychological,” Vaughn explained. “You yell barracuda, everybody says, ‘Huh? What?’ You yell shark, we’ve got a panic on our hands on the Fourth of July.”

The President nodded his head repeatedly while Vaughn lectured.

“Now if you’re concerned about the economy,” the mayor said, jabbing a finger at Obama, “you do whatever you have to make it right. But those beaches will be open Labor Day weekend!”

Aug 22

Gideons Break Into Hotels, Take Back Bibles

bubkeNEW YORK – Hundreds of members of the Gideons International broke into hotel rooms across America last night and took back the Bibles their organization donated.

“People aren’t reading them, and we want them back,” one burglar said.

Police say the burglars also turned down the beds and put chocolates on the pillows.

Aug 19

Local man: ‘The Only Time I Feel Alive is When I’m Wearing My Collar Bomb’

Collar BombPITTSBURGH – Local bon vivant Noah Swayne of Bethel Park revealed that he “doesn’t feel alive” unless his triple-banded metal collar bomb is securely locked around his neck.

“First thing I do when I come home from work is slap on the collar [bomb],” said Swayne. “I know the neighbors must think it’s strange seeing me cutting the grass wearing the collar, but I’m one of those guys lives a sort of high octane life.”

Swayne insists on setting the timer to detonate the bomb while he’s wearing the collar. “Only one time did I come close to having it go off — when I accidentally fell asleep,” he chuckles. “I disarmed it with seven seconds to spare.”

Swayne confides that he sometimes wears the collar to bed. “Many a night my wife assumes the bomb went off,” he winks. “Every couple should add one of these to their lovemaking regimen.”

Aug 18

Local Family Gives Bachmann Bus So She Can Travel Like Obama, Only Condition Is That She Sing and Play Guitar

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Aug 17

Obama Hints That His Plan to Boost Economy Includes Brisk Walks After Dinner, Less Fried Foods

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Aug 16

Muscular Dystrophy Association Hires Chuck Lorre to Kill Off Jerry Lewis from Telethon

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Aug 15

NOW Bemoans Gender Double Standard: ‘Female Politicians Who Are Flakes Have to Work Twice as Hard as Male Politicians’

bachmann-newsweekWASHINGTON - Terry O’Neill, president of the National Organization for Women, labeled Newsweek Magazine’s cover story on Rep. Michelle Bachmann ”sexist” because, she said, it casts Bachmann as a “nut job.”

“The ‘Queen of Rage’ is something you apply to cable TV wrestlers or somebody who is crazy, not to women running for president,” explained O’Neill.

O’Neill made it clear that NOW does not endorse Bachmann. “Rep. Bachmann is a satanic, scum-sucking, misogynistic neanderthal whose candidacy leaves a trail of smelly slime across this nation.  But how dare the media attack a woman!”

Aug 11

Flashback: 43 Years Ago Today, Nixon Hypnotized GOP Convention to Win Nomination

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Aug 10

Pittsburgh Hopes New Sign Spurs Image Change, More Films

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Aug 9

On 37th Anniversary of Resignation, Hundreds Report Nixon Sightings

Witnesses say late president back to save nation

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Aug 9

Standard & Poor’s Downgrades Rating for Famous Original Ray’s Pizza to 3½ Stars

financial-crisisVenerable pizza house can regain its flawless four star standing in nine to 18 years, but must make crust crispier, warned S&P Managing Editor John Chambers.

Aug 8

Dept. of Labor: The Only Economic Sector to See Jobs Growth in July Was the Ghost Hunting TV Show Sector, Which Added 47,000 Jobs for Specters

BrownLadyWASHINGTON – The Labor Department’s jobs report was better than expected, showing that television cable networks added 47,000 jobs for spiritual entities and demons last month.

Secretary of Labor Hilda Solis said the boom in ghost hunting shows boosted the entire economy. That didn’t stop the Republicans who are after President Obama’s job, however, from declaring that last month’s modest jobs growth “wasn’t good enough.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-Minn.) told a crowd of supporters: ”I personally know of at least 20 deceased persons who have been looking for work for over a year. That’s unacceptable.”

Aug 5

Tiger Woods Insists New Habit of Exclaiming ‘Sure and Begorrah’ Isn’t Emulation of Rory McIlroy

60619259“I’m banjaxed and knackered over these claims,” Woods told a reporter in a heavy Irish brogue. “I  just like the sound of the phrase, me lad.”

Aug 5

Coroner Rules Stockbroker’s Death by Plunging Out a Window a ‘Routine Market Correction’

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Aug 4

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