São Paulo – After announcing that capitalism was responsible for the lack of civilization on Mars, Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez unveiled plans to restore socialism to the fourth planet in the solar system.
Chávez said that his “Red Planet Initiative” will “turn Martian deserts into forests and free the proletariat little green men from their imperialist enslavers.” The centerpiece of the initiative will be to bring Obamacare to Mars.
“We will make the Red Planet red again,” declared Chávez.
Gallagher Collapses on Stage, Quick Thinking Fans Use Comic’s Props to Make Tracheotomy Tube and Save His Life
ROCHESTER, Minn. – Prop Comedian Gallagher collapsed during a performance at Whiskey Bone’s Roadhouse last night. Quick thinking members of the audience charged the stage and used several of the comic’s signature props to fashion a makeshift tracheotomy tube to save his life.
Dr. Noah Swayne, one of the audience members who assisted, was first on stage. He discovered that Gallagher was having difficulty breathing.
“I knew immediately that he needed a tracheotomy tube,” said Swayne. “Fortunately, I was familiar with his act, so I knew what I had to work with. I was able to fashion the flange and inflation line from materials [Gallagher] uses in his hilarious ‘Sledge-O-Matic’ routine.
“The only piece missing was the inflation line, so I yelled out to the audience, ‘Does anyone here have an inflation line?’ Fortunately, three people came forward.”
Later at the hospital, Gallagher quipped that Dr. Swayne “owes me” for the damage to his iconic mallet, which broke while Swayne was making a hole in the comedian’s windpipe.