Local Man Blasts Sports Illustrated’s Annual Bikini Smutfest

photo3TO THE EDITOR, SPORTS ILLUSTRATED: As the father of two red-blooded, heterosexual, all-American teenage boys ages 16 and 17, I have long believed that your magazine fills the gaping hole left in our cultural milieu in those years when the Olympics aren’t held. Where else can we follow sports nobody cares about (e.g.,women’s sports, sports played by foreigners other than ice hockey, etc.) alongside the real ones? Where else can we thrill to extreme close-ups of the misshapen scowls of athletes who’ve just taken a direct hit to the danglers?

My love affair with SI ended forever last week when the latest issue arrived in the mail, your annual “swimsuit edition.” Instead of being greeted, as I had hoped, by some Olympic athlete I’d never heard of on the cover, I was assaulted by 25-year-old Irina Shayk, staring at me longingly, biking top straining to cloak her burgeoning swell. She taunted my inability to reach through the photograph to cup, stroke, and knead her tantalizing, surging offerings.

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Feb 23

‘Gilligan’s Island’ Creator Summoned to Congresswoman Giffords’ Bedside to Reverse Her Memory Loss

news gabrielle giffords shot 080111HOLLYWOOD – Venerable television producer Sherwood Schwartz has been called to Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords’ bedside to cure her memory loss.

“Since it was a blow to the head that caused her to lose her memory,” Schwartz explained to a reporter, ”another blow to the head should cure her.”

Giffords’ husband, Mark Kelly, said that Schwartz’s plan “is just crazy enough to work.”

Feb 22

Mubarak Added to Cast of ‘Two and a Half Men’; Show Becomes ‘Three and a Half Men’

hosni_mubarakHOLLYWOOD – Ousted Egyptian president Hosni Mubarak has inked a two-year deal to co-star in the troubled CBS sitcom “Two and a Half Men,” and the show’s title will be changed to ”Three and a Half Men.”

Executive producer Chuck Lorre says Mubarak will play Hosni Harper, the older half-brother of the characters played by Sheen and Jon Cryer. 

“Hosni is a charming gambler and ne’er-do-well who moves in with his brothers after declaring bankruptcy for the 17th time,” Lorre revealed.

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Feb 17

Winged Youth Sought in Bow and Arrow Attacks

photo-one-cupidPITTSBURGH – Police say that a lively, partially clothed, winged youth known only as “Cupid” is a person of interest in a series of bow and arrow attacks throughout the tri-state area.

The suspect’s modus operandi is to fire tiny, non-lethal arrows into the hearts of couples out on a date. Following the attacks, the victims invariably report feelings of romantic attraction for their partners.

Hundreds of citizens gathered in a candlelight vigil in the city’s South Side last night to express outrage that the suspect is still at large.

“If we don’t stop this urban terrorist, we’re sending a message that it’s OK for anybody to go around spreading love among defenseless citizens,” said 74-year-old Samuel Blatchford of East Liberty. “No one is safe!”

Feb 14

New Roethlisberger Scandal Brewing: Big Ben Spotted Speaking With Female Cashier

roethlisbergerDALLAS – Ben Roethlisberger, twice accused of sexual assault in the past, created a Super Bowl-sized stir today when he was spotted at Neiman Marcus on Main Street speaking with an unnamed female cashier who was waiting on him.

“I distinctly heard him say, ‘thank you very much,’ then he walked away,” flabergasted Edna Farber, 82, of Fort Worth, told a throng of reporters.

Ms. Farber’s sister, 79-year-old Mary Swayne, of Dallas, described the moment as “surreal.”

“Our mouths were agape that he would, you know, speak to her, in light of all that’s happened,” said Ms. Swayne.

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Feb 4

Pittsburgh Bishop Vows His ‘Goons Will Break the Legs’ of Green Bay Bishop If He Welshes on Super Bowl Bet

BishopPITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh Bishop David Zubik said his “goons will break the legs” of Green Bay’s Bishop David Ricken if Ricken welshes on the Super Bowl bet he made with Zubik.

The two church leaders bet that the bishop of the losing city in this Sunday’s Super Bowl will donate local foods to food kitchens in the winning city.

Zubik publicly warned Ricken not to welsh on the bet.

“In my old neighborhood, we have a term for people who don’t pay up — ‘dead-man,’” said a somber Zubik.

“On Sunday night, after the Steelers win, my men are going to pay a little house-call on the good bishop, with baseball bats and nun-chucks,” said Zubik.

Feb 2

Yul Brynner Arrives in Cairo, Says He’s Prepared to Run Egypt Again

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Feb 1

Super Bowl Visitors Urged to Stay Clear of Dallas Crime Spots, Especially Outside the Sixth Floor Window of the School Book Depository

Dealey Plaza CarolDALLAS – Local police are urging the tens of thousands of visitors expected to arrive here for the Super Bowl to avoid dangerous places.

Topping the list of places to avoid is the vicinity of the Texas School Book Depository where, police warn, visitors could be shot by a deranged man on the Sixth Floor, especially if they are riding in an open motorcade.

Feb 1