World Recalls Fourth Anniversary of Saddam Hussein’s Death

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Dec 30

FDA Orders Massive Recall of Mistletoe Due To E. Coli Contamination

mistletoeWASHINGTON — The FDA has ordered a massive recall of mistletoe from store shelves and is urging consumers to remove the holiday aphrodisiac from doorways and other suspended locations until further notice. The agency determined that spores from mistletoe can drop onto the scalps, faces, and lips of persons standing underneath it.

Agency spokesperson Bradleys Roadhouse explained: “Necking under the mistletoe this holiday could literally be the kiss of death.”

The source of the E. coli has been traced to reindeer manure in a mistletoe farm in the North Pole.

Dec 24

Little Drummer Boy Punctuates Shepherd’s Jokes With Rimshot

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Dec 22

Saint Paul’s Newly Discovered Letter to Thessalonians Urges Brethren to Keep Christ Out of Christmas

saint-paul2THESSALONIA, Ohio – Theologians are calling Saint Paul’s third letter to the Thessalonians, lost in the mail for 2,000 years because of insufficient postage, but finally delivered and opened last night, a “bombshell” because it urges that Christ be kept out of Christmas.

The letter, written in Saint Paul’s hand, was finally delivered Saturday to Thessalonia, Ohio, by the U.S. Postal Service.  After examining it, Thessalonia’s mayor, Hubert P. Goodsimple, concluded that it was meant for “the other Thessalonia.”  

Nevertheless, the Mayor said that the Ohio town, population 2,155,  intends to keep the letter and display it in the local public library, next to a 1962 letter sent to the local Rotary Club by Moe Howard of the Three Stooges. Mr. Howard’s letter was written to cancel a public appearance by the Stooges due to an illness by frizzy-haired Stooge Larry Fine.

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Dec 21

War Hero’s Holiday Shopping Ruined By Reports of His Father’s Gangland Slaying, Fiance’s Failure to Obtain Gift Vouchers

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Dec 20

‘Kid’ From ‘Christmas Story’ Returns Home, Sues Father for Giving Him Genuine Red Ryder 200 Shot Carbine Action Air Rifle

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Dec 20

One of Paula Abdul’s Implants Collapses

Winter Storm Metrodome Collapse

Dec 13

Barbara Walters Accidentally Names Local Plumber One of ‘Ten Most Fascinating People’ of 2010

fasxNEW YORK – Barbara Walters profiled her picks for the ten most fascinating people of 2010 last night, and there was a surprise in the line-up.

Noah Swayne, a Johnstown, Pennsylvania plumber who only twice in his life strayed more than forty miles from home, joined Betty White, Mark Zuckerberg, Justin Bieber, the cast of The Jersey Shore, and others on the show.

Swayne said that he has no idea why Ms. Walters wanted to profile him but noted that he did take piano lessons as a child and retains aspirations of being a sports agent.

“Maybe they’re putting me on the TV [show] as a sort of, you know, beacon or what have you, to, like, show people that you can still have dreams in this country, or whatever,” Swayne explained.

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Dec 10

Goodell: Betting Slips Prove God Bet on Steelers

Pillar2-Supernatural-GodCreates-Man-Sistine-ChapelBesieged Creator Expected to Agree to Lifetime Ban From Football

NEW YORK – A blue ribbon panel appointed by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has “conclusive proof” that God bet on the Pittsburgh Steelers to beat the Buffalo Bills last Sunday. 

The Steelers chalked up an improbable 19-16 overtime victory over the Bills after Buffalo wide receiver Stevie Johnson dropped what seemed to be an undroppable pass in the end-zone that would have given the Bills the win.  After the game, Johnson tweeted that he blamed God for the miscue. 

A somber Goodell, flanked by the Rev. Al Sharpton and New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan, announced the findings of the investigative panel at a packed press conference last night.

“The panel painstakingly examined a mountain of evidence,” Goodell explained, “including betting slips with God’s name on them, and the affidavit of Mr. Troy Polamalu recounting Mr. Polamalu’s discussion with the Almighty prior to the Steelers-Bills game.

“God was afforded every opportunity to present evidence on his behalf, but his attorney, Gloria Allred, explained that he waived that right. 

“The panel determined, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the Creator was responsible for Stevie Johnson’s missed pass during overtime of last Sunday’s Steelers-Bills game. 

“The NFL is calling on God to own up to his actions, because they have tarnished the integrity of a game beloved by millions.”

Later, Ms. Allred hinted that the Almighty likely will cut a deal with Goodell’s office this week agreeing to a lifetime ban from the NFL.

Dec 1

Tourist Finds $100 on Historic Rosa Parks Bus, Ms. Parks Claims It’s Hers

Rosa-Parks-Bus-1DEARBORN, Mich. – Carol Murray of Pittsburgh found a $100 bill lying on the floor of the bus on which Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat to a white passenger in 1955. Ms. Murray turned the bill over to a staff member of the Henry Ford Museum, where the bus is on display.

Several hours later, Ms. Parks herself, 97, showed up at the Museum’s front desk and insisted the money was hers.

“I dropped it back in ’55, in the midst of my historic defiance against oppression,” Ms. Parks claimed.  She proceeded to bang on the counter with her cane, demanding the money.  The Museum’s curator, Noah Swayne, rushed out to calm the civil rights icon. He explained that since the date on the bill was 1992, it could not be hers.

Ms. Parks grew increasingly indignant. “First, they don’t let me sit in the seat I paid for, and now they won’t give me back my property,” she fumed.  “I’m getting on the phone right now to Martin [Luther King] and the other ministers, and we’re going to boycott this museum.”

Mr. Swayne reached into his wallet and pulled out five twenty dollar bills and handed them to Ms. Parks.

“That’s it?” Ms. Parks asked incredulously.  “Do you have any idea how much interest you owe me after 55 years?”

Dec 1