Another WikiLeaks Release of Secret Documents Embarrasses U.S. Diplomats

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Nov 30

TSA Claims New Hires, Revised Screening Procedures Working Out “Very Well”

NewTSAAgency spokesman says 70% of all male travelers now “asking for a re-check”

Nov 30

Stores Already Decorated For Christmas 2011

walmart_holidayNEW YORK – America’s leading retail outlets are all decorated for Christmas — Christmas 2011, that is.

“Because stores start decorating earlier and earlier every year, it was bound to happen that eventually they would start decorating in the previous year’s holiday season,” explained Duquesne University marketing professor Audrey Guskey. 

“At the current pace, by Christmas 2015, stores will be decorated for Christmas 2032.”

Nov 28

TSA Float Makes Debut At Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

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Nov 25

Ask Our Expert

imagesI recently returned from a convention in Coeur d’Aline, Idaho, and discovered that someone had tattooed a swastika on my right buttock. I have no idea who might have done this and suspect my privacy might have been violated whilst asleep. My husband says it is “cute” but my father-in-law, a World War II veteran, finds it alarming. What is your advice? Mrs. G. Lydia Wilcox, Philadelphia

Coeur d’Aline and parts of the Northwest are known for his sort of hi-jinks and they often end in a brawl or a Ska band concert or both. Check your husband’s book collection as it might offer a clue to the culprit. Your father-in-law is probably offended because among men of his generation, it is considered brash for a woman to sport a tattoo. Either way, make certain to cover your buttocks during interviews with prospective employers as tattoos are often referred to as “job killers.”

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Nov 25

Abraham Zapruder Still Heads to Dealey Plaza Every Day, Waiting to Film Trouble

PHOTO TWO ABE ZAPRUDERAbraham Zapruder, who captured the 1963 assassination of President John F. Kennedy in a famous home movie, reports to Dealey Plaza every day with movie camera in hand, manning the same perch on the grassy knoll where he was standing that fateful day, 47 years ago today.

“You never know when some international incident is going to strike on Elm Street again,” Zapruder explained.

Nov 22

JFK EVICTED FROM PARKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL

PHOTO ONE PARKLAND HOSPITALPresident John F. Kennedy was evicted from Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas this morning because, the hospital said, his health insurance lapsed.

Until this morning, Kennedy was widely believed to have died at the hospital on November 22, 1963 after being shot by Lee Harvey Oswald.  The hospital admitted that, in fact, Kennedy survived and has been living on the top floor of the building since the shooting.

But the hospital said the former President’s health insurance lapsed “some time ago,” and that “he must go.”

President Obama told reporters that “the shameful treatment of President Kennedy by the hospital only underscores the necessity for healthcare reform.”

Nov 22

Carbolic Smoke Ball Flashback: November 22, 1963: The Film Review Lee Harvey Oswald Was Writing at the Time of His Arrest

Dallas TheaterAfter President Kennedy was shot, his assassin, Lee Harvey Oswald, was captured inside the Texas Theater in Dallas watching a motion picture called “War is Hell.”  Here is the film review Oswald was writing at the time of his capture:

 ONE MAN’S HEAVEN IS ANOTHER MAN’S ‘WAR IS HELL’

War is Hell is about the Korean War or something.  Please excuse me if I’m sketchy on the plot because I came in late.  I was busy doing something downtown.

World War II hero Audie Murphy, narrates the film.  I, for one, could never understand how the name “Audie” is suitable for a guy.

The actors who play the platoon members all seem to be about the right age, which is a first for Hollywood. In contrast to, say, the Borscht Belt comics who play the sailors in the popular TV sitcom “McHale’s Navy,” whose average age is 58. 

 Oh, no, they’re coming for me! The jig is up . . . .

 Editor’s note: The review abruptly ends here.

Nov 22

TSA Ad Campaign To Emphasize Customer Satisfaction After Full Body Searches

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Nov 18

“If you touch my junk, I’ll have you arrested.”

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Nov 18

TSA Instructs Male Airline Passengers To ‘Fluff Up’ Their Junk For Full Body Scan

John_Wild_1_270x202WASHINGTON, D.C. – Transportation Security Administration personnel have been ordered to instruct male airline passengers to “fluff up” their junk before undergoing whole-body imaging scanning at airports.  The TSA said some airports will have male exotic dancers standing by to provide professional “how to” advice.

The changes are being implemented in the wake of the incident in Miama where a TSA employee physically assaulted a colleague who mocked the full body scanner image of his modestly sized penis. 

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano explained that the changes are being implemented “as a courtesy to our female whole-body imaging screeners who are forced to look at one [penis] after another, all day long.  The message is, have a little mercy on them, guys, OK?” 

Ms. Napolitano also announced that the TSA is looking to hire registered sex offenders to monitor the images produced from full body scanners because “we figure they will pay strict attention to their jobs and won’t take excessive cigarette breaks.”

Nov 16

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Nov 14

Man Buys JFK Limo, Sues Seller After Carfax Reveals It Was Involved in Presidential Assassination

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Nov 8

Democratic Party Commits Mass Suicide

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Nov 2

Giants Win World Series, San Francisco Goes Crazy

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Nov 1