Dracula Files Product Liability Suit Against Wooden Stake Manufacturers

Count DraculaTRANSYLVANIA – Count Dracula, the 435-year-old Transylvanian nobleman and vampire, has filed a class action suit against seven manufacturers of wooden stakes, alleging that the product they put into the stream of commerce ”is inherently defective and has proximately caused serious personal injury to similarly situated vampires.”  The Count is seeking damages in excess of $75,000 plus punitive damages.

“The damn things are not safe,” Dracula told a reporter.  “You can quote me on that.” 

Dracula directed all further inquiries to his counsel, Gloria Allred.

Oct 31

Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Dies, Last Assigment was Writing Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” died of complications of a stroke.  He was 82.

The timing of Sorensen’s death was ironic because last month it was announced he had been lured out of retirement to write ads for fast food sandwich giant Subway.

Sorensen agreed to a rare interview in his Boston office just last Friday. Seated beneath paintings depicting a pensive President Kennedy on his right and an oversized cold cut sub on his left, Sorensen explained that he had bypassed countless offers since Kennedy’s death to write speeches for U.S. Presidents and other world leaders, but that the Subway opportunity was “too good to pass up.” 

“It was exactly what I’ve been looking for,” he explained. ”It will give me a chance to say some things I’ve been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time.”

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Oct 31

Our Annual Halloween Safety Tips

judge-2Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham – It’s Halloween week, and thousands of you have written to ask me to run my annual list of safety tips for trick or treating.  Here it is: 

Tip #1: Keep a detailed log of all candy received: Write down the name of the candy, its lot number, and donor; retain all wrappers; ask the donor if he saved the receipts and staple them to the log; have the donor initial the log; have the log notarized first thing the next morning.  Creating a chain of custody makes for a fun and safe Halloween!

 Tip #2:  Only visit the homes of people you trust.  My test is foolproof: Before Halloween, ask the homeowner, “Will you help me hide the body?”  If he or she says “yes,” it’s a safe house.

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Oct 29

Local Beggar First In State To Take Credit Cards

Local BeggarPITTSBURGH – Local beggar Carol Murray, who works the corner of 7th and Grant Street downtown, is raking in the dough – because she takes credit cards.

“When someone says they don’t have any change, I tell them ‘not a problem,’ and I whip out the credit card machine.”

Oct 27

Drug Used In Lethal Injections Recalled Due To Dangerous Ingredient

li001WASHINGTON – Sodium thiopental, a drug used in lethal injections for executions, has been recalled by the Food and Drug Administration following reports of “serious adverse events in condemned prisoners taking this product.”

Oct 26

‘Murder Cured My Hiccups!’

Hiccup-articleInlineTAMPA – Jennifer Mee, the “hiccup girl” from Tampa whose nonstop hiccups, up to 50 times a minute for six weeks, caught the attention of the nation, says that the only thing that cured her hiccups was the murder she was charged with committing yesterday.

Ms. Mee was one of three conspirators accused of murdering a man during a robbery.

“I tried every hiccup cure in the book,” Ms.Mee explained. “I held my breath; I drank a glass of water upside down; I raised my arms while remembering yesterday’s lunch.  Nothing worked – until the murder.”

Ms. Mee was arrested after one of her accomplices divulged that the murder was committed by “Mee, myself, and I.”

Oct 25

Wuerl Named Cardinal, ‘Pissed’ His Pay Grade Won’t Change

Wuerl[1]ABCWASHINGTON – Archbishop Donald Wuerl of Washington was named a cardinal by Pope Benedict XVI yesterday, but insiders say Wuerl isn’t in the mood to celebrate. 

“The Archbishop is pissed that his pay grade won’t change,” said Diocesan spokesman Father Bradleys Roadhouse.  “The Archbishop has been a good company man for this organization for many years, he’s paid his dues and put in his time, and he was banking on a big raise with this promotion.  He’s shocked to learn he’s not getting it.”

“You bet I’m pissed,” the Archbishop snapped at a reporter.  “I bust my butt for this outfit, and that’s the thanks I get?  Really? I mean, I get a quote unquote promotion, with lots more responsibilities, and what do I get for my trouble?  A square red cap.  Great!  That, and fifty cents will get me a copy of L’Osservatore Romano.”

Wuerl then grabbed a camera from a reporter and threw it to the ground, shattering it.  He reached into his wallet, grabbed a stack of twenty dollar bills, and threw them at the reporter’s feet before storming off. 

Father Roadhouse hinted Wuerl might sit out Advent season in protest.

Oct 21

‘It’s About Time Men and Women Had Separate Public Restrooms’

Restroom_ManACommentary By Noah Swayne, International Bon Vivant:  I am going to assert something that every rational person has thought about but that most are afraid to come out and say: males and females need SEPARATE restrooms in public places.

Every public place — the ballpark, restaurants, you name it — should have not one but two restrooms: one marked “Men,” the other marked “Women.”

I know that this suggestion will be expensive to implement. But the two genders were not put on earth to simultaneously expose their privates in public, or their semi-privates in semi-public.

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Oct 20

Insider: Rescued Miners ‘Have Gone Hollywood With The Sunglasses’

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SAN JOSÉ MINE, Chile — The 33 miners who were trapped for 69 days have “gone Hollywood,” disgusted sources reveal. 

“They’re acting like movie stars, full of themselves,” said one insider.  ”They’re always wearing the sunglasses, even indoors, and they’ve taken up frivolous liberal causes, just like the real stars.  What’s next?  Are they going to start driving Priuses?”

Several miners reportedly now insist that certain colors of M&Ms be removed from the candy dishes in their homes.

Oct 18

Wives, Girlfriends of Trapped Chilean Miners Shocked When Men Are Brought to the Surface: ‘That’s Not Them!’

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Oct 12

Breast Cancer Awareness Nearing Saturation Point, Threatens To Erupt Into Mass Unawareness

breast_cancer_awarenessWASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force said that “if there’s any more awareness about breast cancer, there’s going to be a meltdown resulting in mass unawareness.”

The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms every other year at age 50 instead of annually at 40.  It declared December Breast Cancer Unawareness Month, and will sponsor “The Walk For Something Other Than The Cure” this coming May to raise money for anything except breast cancer.

Oct 12

Four Names Added To Every Name In The Book

ellingsworth_names_1860_censusWASHINGTON – People who call others every name in the book will need to add four more.

The Department of Health and Human Services said the following names would be added, effective December 1: Jeremiah, Amber, Chad, and Zachary.

The names will become the first additions to the book in more than half a century.

Oct 11

Biff Tannen To Senate Subcommittee: Anti-Bullying Law ‘A Terrible Idea’

biff-tannenWASHINGTON, D.C. – Biff Tannen, the self-described bully of Hill Valley, California, was escorted out of a Senate subcommittee hearing in handcuffs yesterday, halfway through his testimony in opposition to Sen. Frank Lautenberg’s proposed anti-bullying law.

Mr. Tannen and Sen. Lautenberg had tangled throughout Tannen’s testimony, with Tannen repeatedly calling the Senator “butthead” and announcing “I’m gonna get that son of a bitch.” 

But Capitol insiders say Tannen went too far when he leapt over the table where five Senators were seated, grabbed Lautenberg, and began knocking on his forehead as if it were a door.

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Oct 7

Christine O’Donnell’s New Ad: ‘I’m Not A Witch’

diva_endoraBut when she described her family, the Delaware Senate nominee accidentally called Darrin, her son-in-law, “Derwood.”

Oct 5

First Monday in October: Supreme Court Introduces New Court Crier Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer

WASHINGTON - U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today.  The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start each session with his signature catchphrase, “Let’s get ready to rumble.”

The other major change, inspired by Major League Baseball’s “at-bat” music, is that each Justice will enter the court to introductory music of his or her own choosing. Most justices are keeping their tunes under their robes for now but Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg revealed she has selected the theme from “Rocky,” and Justice Antonin Scalia told a reporter he is “just wild about” the folk standard “Pop Goes the Weasel.”

The move is seen by some legal scholars as an attempt to win back fans turned off by the Court’s work stoppage last year.  Last spring’s short-lived experiment with a “hot-dog” toss between cases was abadoned when an adult novelty male organ somehow got launched into the gallery instead of an edible wiener, giving certain of the male justices a “complex” because of its size.

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Oct 4