Monthly Archives: October 2010

Dracula Files Product Liability Suit Against Wooden Stake Manufacturers

TRANSYLVANIA – Count Dracula, the 435-year-old Transylvanian nobleman and vampire, has filed a class action suit against seven manufacturers of wooden stakes, alleging that the product they put into the stream of commerce “is inherently defective and has proximately caused serious personal injury to similarly situated

Posted in Extras

Revered JFK Speechwriter Ted Sorensen Dies, Last Assigment was Writing Ads for Subway

BOSTON – Ted Sorensen, the wordsmith behind President John F. Kennedy’s direct but soaring rhetoric and portions of Kennedy’s Pulitzer-Prize-winning book “Profiles in Courage,” died of complications of a stroke.  He was 82. The timing of Sorensen’s death was ironic because last month it was

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Posted in Extras, History, Media

Our Annual Halloween Safety Tips

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor, the Honorable Rufus Peckham – It’s Halloween week, and thousands of you have written to ask me to run my annual list of safety tips for trick or treating.  Here it is:  Tip #1:

Posted in Extras

Local Beggar First In State To Take Credit Cards

PITTSBURGH – Local beggar Carol Murray, who works the corner of 7th and Grant Street downtown, is raking in the dough – because she takes credit cards. “When someone says they don’t have any change, I tell them ‘not a

Posted in Extras

Drug Used In Lethal Injections Recalled Due To Dangerous Ingredient

WASHINGTON – Sodium thiopental, a drug used in lethal injections for executions, has been recalled by the Food and Drug Administration following reports of “serious adverse events in condemned prisoners taking this product.”

Posted in Extras

‘Murder Cured My Hiccups!’

TAMPA – Jennifer Mee, the “hiccup girl” from Tampa whose nonstop hiccups, up to 50 times a minute for six weeks, caught the attention of the nation, says that the only thing that cured her hiccups was the murder she

Posted in Extras

Wuerl Named Cardinal, ‘Pissed’ His Pay Grade Won’t Change

WASHINGTON – Archbishop Donald Wuerl of Washington was named a cardinal by Pope Benedict XVI yesterday, but insiders say Wuerl isn’t in the mood to celebrate.  “The Archbishop is pissed that his pay grade won’t change,” said Diocesan spokesman Father Bradleys

Posted in Extras

‘It’s About Time Men and Women Had Separate Public Restrooms’

Commentary By Noah Swayne, International Bon Vivant:  I am going to assert something that every rational person has thought about but that most are afraid to come out and say: males and females need SEPARATE restrooms in public places. Every

Posted in Extras

Insider: Rescued Miners ‘Have Gone Hollywood With The Sunglasses’

          SAN JOSÉ MINE, Chile — The 33 miners who were trapped for 69 days have “gone Hollywood,” disgusted sources reveal.  “They’re acting like movie stars, full of themselves,” said one insider.  “They’re always wearing the sunglasses, even indoors, and they’ve taken

Posted in Extras

Wives, Girlfriends of Trapped Chilean Miners Shocked When Men Are Brought to the Surface: ‘That’s Not Them!’

Posted in Extras

Breast Cancer Awareness Nearing Saturation Point, Threatens To Erupt Into Mass Unawareness

WASHINGTON – The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force said that “if there’s any more awareness about breast cancer, there’s going to be a meltdown resulting in mass unawareness.” The task force last year reversed decades of previous recommendations by telling women to start receiving mammograms

Posted in Gender News, Health

Four Names Added To Every Name In The Book

WASHINGTON – People who call others every name in the book will need to add four more. The Department of Health and Human Services said the following names would be added, effective December 1: Jeremiah, Amber, Chad, and Zachary. The names will become the

Posted in Extras

Biff Tannen To Senate Subcommittee: Anti-Bullying Law ‘A Terrible Idea’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Biff Tannen, the self-described bully of Hill Valley, California, was escorted out of a Senate subcommittee hearing in handcuffs yesterday, halfway through his testimony in opposition to Sen. Frank Lautenberg’s proposed anti-bullying law. Mr. Tannen and Sen. Lautenberg had tangled throughout Tannen’s testimony, with Tannen

Posted in Extras

Christine O’Donnell’s New Ad: ‘I’m Not A Witch’

But when she described her family, the Delaware Senate nominee accidentally called Darrin, her son-in-law, “Derwood.”

Posted in Extras

First Monday in October: Supreme Court Introduces New Court Crier Michael “Let’s Get Ready to Rumble” Buffer

WASHINGTON – U.S. Supreme Court Chief Justice Roberts promised court watchers a more “fan friendly judicial branch” as the high court launches a new term today.  The most obvious change is that legendary ring announcer Michael Buffer has been named court crier and will start

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Posted in Legal News, U.S. News
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