Among products recalled were small cylindrical figures with round heads that are supposed to represent humans even though they lack limbs, assorted plastic balls and tubes that allow small children to pointlessly move items from one point to another, and other products a company spokesman said “looks like leftover junk on which we just rounded out the edges and linked together then calling them ‘creative play’ toys.”
“We are taking this action as a proactive measure after widespread reports of bored children,” the company said in a statement. “Parents who purchased these toys are advised to return them to the store for a refund or voucher for something their kid might actually like.”
NEW YORK – Vice President Biden was summoned to the George Washington Bridge yesterday afternoon to try to talk Noah Swayne, 33, who was perched high above the Hudson River preparing to jump, out of whining about President Obama.
Swayne, married and the father of three, was depressed because he had lost his job last month in an economic downturn and blamed President Obama.
The New York Police Department asked Biden to assist in the hope that he would impart some “tough love” to the would-be jumper in the wake of the headlines Biden made yesterday when he told his party’s faithful to “stop whining” about President Obama.
NEW YORK – Rose DeWitt Bukator, believed to be one of the last two survivors from the sinking of the Titanicin 1912, has died in New York at age 114. The last English survivor, Lillian Gertrud Asplund, died in London last year at age 99.
Sir Horace Swayne, Titanic historian, explained that the deaths of Ms.Bukator and Ms. Asplund within a year of each other are an “astounding” coincidence.
“What are the odds that two women, one in her late 90s, the other 114, would just happen to die in the same year? And doesn’t it strike you as an incredible contrivance that they both supposedly died of ‘natural causes’ connected with old age? Or that they both just happened to live in nursing homes, one in England, the other in the United States? No, there is only one plausible explanation for this cavalcade of alleged coincidence: the curse of the Titanic!” he explained.
Sir Horace said that the “Curse of the Titanic” has been taking lives gradually since 1912. “The curse actually started with the sinking, because a lot of people drowned.”
Sir Horace has issued a warning that “no one who was on that boat that night is safe. No one!”
Family law experts said the ruling will strip parents of one of their most important disciplinary weapons.
In his dissenting opinion, Justice Scalia read the majority the Riot Act.
MAYCOMB COUNTY, Ala. – Helen Robinson has filed a malpractice suit against legal crusader Atticus Finch in connection with Mr. Finch’s unsuccessful defense of her late husband, Tom Robinson, on a bogus rape charge lodged by local prevaricator Mayella Ewell.
“I’m suing his ass,” Mrs. Robinson explained. “Everybody could tell Mayella was lying, but that [expletive deleted] couldn’t get [Tom] off.”
Local attorneys, who refused to be named, revealed that Mr. Finch, long regarded as a paragon of honor and a beacon of morality, has never won a trial.
One veteran litigator said: “Atticus is a great role model for young attorneys — if their goal is to lose all time.”
The 4,000 Jews Who Failed To Show Up For Work at World Trade Center on 9/11 Believed To Be With Trapped Chilean Miners
Man Says 13,000-Year-Old Tools Unearthed in His Backyard Are The Only Ones That Can Fix His Ford Pinto
DENVER – Landscapers digging a hole for a fish pond in Noah Swayne’s back yard last week heard a “chink” that turned out to be a cache of 13,000-year-old tools buried by ancient ice age hunter-gatherers.
Swayne immediately grabbed a few of the rock-like instruments and opened the hood of his long-idled ’73 Pinto and went to work. Now Swayne claims that the tools are the only ones capable of fixing the old car.
“I’m not sure what prompted me to try using the ancient tools on the Pinto, but it turned out to be a miracle,” Swayne exclaimed.
PITTSBURGH – Ron Jones, owner of Ron’s Pizza in Pittsburgh, announced today that he is making public “gut wrenching” tape recordings of telephone orders placed to his pizza shop on September 11, 2001.
None of the callers lived in New York City or had any connection with the attacks on the World Trade Center or the Pentagon, but Jones insists that a few of the callers made ”indirect, oblique but fairly clearly implied references” to the terrorist attacks.
In one of the calls, a male customer is heard to say, “You should see what they’re showing on TV, dude [referring to the World Trade Center attacks]. Unbelievable! Um, can I have a large with pepperoni and sausage to go?” Jones refers to that call as “spine-tingling.” Another caller said, “Glad I’m not in New York. Do you sell ravioli?” Several callers are heard to ask, “Do you deliver?”
Former MLB Fireballer promises to thow rocks in excess of 100 mph
Kingford® chairman Bradleys Roadhouse said that “nobody in recent times has focused the public’s attention on grilling the way Pastor Jones has.”
One of the conditions for the deal, said to be worth seven figures, is that Pastor Jones must squirt some of the iconic lighter fluid on the Quran before he lights it. A Kingford® spokesman said that burning the Quran will be ”easy and odorless.”
Flashback: 2005: Jerry Lewis Accuses Ten-Year-Old Katrina and Muscular Dystrophy Victim of ‘Telethon Double-Dipping’
NEW ORLEANS – When ten-year old muscular dystrophy victim Joey Smith was stranded with thousands of other New Orleans refugees in the Superdome last week in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, his wheelchair-bound condition elicited an outpouring of nationwide sympathy.
But sympathy has turned to outrage as Jerry Lewis accused Smith of “telethon double-dipping” by accepting substantial donations and lavish gifts from both Lewis’ MDA organization and the Hurricane Katrina fundraiser that aired on NBC Friday night.
“He’s capitalizing on his condition to be ‘made whole’ twice. There’s a word for people like Joey, and it’s ‘thief,’” said Lewis.
Jerry Lewis and the corpse of Ed McMahon celebrate the new record.
Jerry Lewis Still Doing Telethon – Because No One Has the Heart to Tell Him Muscular Dystrophy Was Cured 15 Years Ago
LAS VEGAS – Comic legend Jerry Lewis, 84, finished his annual Labor Day telethon to benefit Muscular Dystrophy — because no one has the heart to tell him the dreaded disease was cured fifteen years ago.
Lewis thinks his annual telethon raises tens of millions of dollars every year for the Muscular Dystrophy Association when, in fact, there are no pledges, no Muscular Dystrophy Association, no efforts to find a cure. It’s all a charade to make Jerry think he’s doing something good.
“We tried to tell him about the cure back in ’93, but it didn’t sink in,” said Noah Swayne, Chairman of the defunct Muscular Dystrophy Association. ”I kept repeating it over and over; I even shook him by the shoulders, but all I got was a blank stare. The doctors decided never to bring it up again because they thought it might kill him.” Swayne shakes his head sadly. “This entire Telethon is a fantasy to make a wonderful man happy. He thinks he’s helping people, and that’s not so bad, is it?”
Mr. Lewis briefly spoke with reporters. “Where’s Ed?” Lewis screamed, referring to his late sidekick, Ed McMahon, who died last year.
Honor goes to Purell instant hand sanitizer