NEW ORLEANS – Hurricane Katrina wrought unprecedented devastation to the U.S. Gulf Coast yesterday, and President Bush arrived to console the jittery Big Easy in the wake of mass chaos and violence. The President addressed thousands of refugees stranded at the Superdome: “We will hunt down, and we will kill, the evildoers who did this thing.”
After visiting the Superdome, the President said he wanted to “survey the destruction” sustained by Harrah’s New Orlean’s casino. No reporters were permitted to accompany the President on his two hour visit inside the casino, but at one point a Presidential aide ran out of the building and returned a short time later with a bagful of quarters.
Before departing the city, the President paid one more visit — to the home of rock ‘n roll legend Fats Domino. Bush implored the 77 year old pioneer responsible for such classics as “Blueberry Hill” to become a “human cork” to plug up the leak in the levee that flooded the city. The singer immediately obliged and is seen in the above photograph being helped from a boat before he was physically fitted into the hole where the levee burst. When asked about the devastation to his home town, Domino said, “Ain’t that a shame!”
Not-safe-for-work picture after the jump.
She filed the petition because “I’m tired of people confusing me with that Muslim guy,” Mrs. Law explained.
Mrs. Law’s 15-year-old daughter Amber Law said the name change is “a good thing” because “it’s oppressive living under Sharia Law.”
HOLLYWOOD – Details about Steve Carell’s final episode as Michael Scott, the fictional regional office manager of a struggling paper company in the hit sitcom The Office, have hit normally laid-back Tinseltown like a bombshell.
According to the script, hours after Michael Scott departs for a vacation to South Korea, Corporal Walter “Radar” O’Reilly enters the company office to deliver the sad news that Scott was killed when his plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan.
The leaked script also reveals that the Scott character will be replaced by veteran character actor Harry Morgan.
NEW YORK – For more than fifty years, a cavalcade of celebrities have flooded the balcony above the floor of the New York Stock Exchange to press the buzzer that rings the bell to start the trading at 9:30 every morning.
Yesterday, the most famous bell ringer of them all, Quasimodo, who mans the bell tower at the Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris, was given the honor of pressing the buzzer.
Everything was proceeding according to plan until the floor traders looked up and realized the bell was being rung by a monster. Shrieks of horror arose from the floor, and several dozen traders formed an impromptu lynch mob that charged the balcony to apprehend Quasimodo. Within seconds, they lifted the hulking figure above their heads and hurled him onto the floor of the Stock Exchange below, killing him instantly.
Funeral arrangements are pending. It is expected that Quasimodo will be buried from his beloved Cathedral of Notre Dame in Paris.
“I didn’t say it was alright to have a Mosque at Ground Zero,” said the president. “I said it was alright to have a musk. I was referring, of course, to the delightful musk deer, the graceful creature with the stocky build, and hind legs longer than their front legs, which emit the intense, penetrating musk odor.”
A new Gallup Poll that found 87% of Americans approve of allowing musk deer in Ground Zero, provided they are not Muslim.
ATLANTIC CITY - Berkshire Hathaway Inc. Chairman Warren Buffett has asked fellow billionaires to pledge the majority of their wealth to charity, but he angrily told one billionaire “don’t bother.”
Buffett publicly scolded rich Uncle Pennybags, the dapper, mustached mascot of a popular board game after Mr. Pennybags tried to donate to the U. S. Community Chest a basket filled with fake, orange $500 bills and bogus deeds to supposedly improved Atlantic City real estate and railroads.
“Pennybags has made a mockery of our charitable efforts,” Mr. Buffett fumed.
Mr. Pennybags took umbrage at Buffett’s remarks. “Buffett has just rolled three sets of doubles, and we all know where that lands him: in jail!” He added that Mr. Buffett is “just jealous” because Mr. Pennybags recently won second prize in a beauty contest, earning him ten dollars.
Mr. Pennybags said that Mr. Buffett’s rebuke will not deter his charitable giving. He noted that he has written personal appeals to other notable billionaires, including oil baron Jed Clampett, private investor Bruce Wayne, and uncharted desert isle financier Thurston Howell, III.
TOKYO – The Hiroshima Peace Memorial Ceremony in Hiroshima City, marking the 65th anniversary of the dropping of the nuclear bomb that devastated that Japanese city, was marred by the flyover of the Enola Gay, the B-29 bomber that dropped the bomb.
It was learned that last week that on the White House’s instructions, the infamous bomber was secretly removed from display at the National Air and Space Museum’s Steven F. Udvar-Hazy Center and recommissioned for deployment.
Without alerting Hiroshima, an unnamed pilot, filmmaker Michael Moore and Vice President Joe Biden then flew the bomber over the city to film a recreation of the August 6, 1945 bombing that destroyed much of the city for Mr. Moore’s upcoming film Tōjō & Me, a film about Mr. Moore’s fictional efforts to speak with Hideki Tōjō, Japan’s prime minister in World War II.
WASHINGTON – Thirty-six years ago today, Richard M. Nixon resigned the presidency in disgrace as he faced almost certain impeachment for his involvement in the cover-up of the Watergate break-in. As he boarded an Air Force helicopter that would transport him to exile, Nixon turned, smiled broadly, and gave the victory sign with outstretched arms.
Many have interpreted the pose as a gesture of defiance; others have chalked it up to an unhinged ego incapable of discerning appropriate from inappropriate behavior.
It turns out it was neither. Film historians have confirmed that the pose was a prank, a clever recreation to the last detail of a scene in a 1944 Three Stooges short, Three Slaphappy Sleuths, where Moe Howard was preparing to poke the other stooges, Larry Fine and Jerome “Curly” Howard, in the eyes as he was deboarding a helicopter.
The late president’s son-in-law David Eisenhower confirmed the historians’ find. “Mr. Nixon always wanted to do ‘the Moe pose,’ as he called it. He knew this would be his last chance, so he told me, ’David, I’m going to do it.’ It took about an hour to position the extras in the foreground. He got every detail right, except he couldn’t stop laughing, hence, the broad grin on his face.”
Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood announced yesterday that starting on Labor Day, passengers riding in handbaskets will be able to head to destinations other than hell.
“We are adding stops in Pittsburgh, Scranton, Hoboken, and Staten Island,” LaHood said. “Further, I am announcing the formation of The Federal Handbasket Administration that will regulate all handbasket transportation in the continental United States.”
Theologians Say Miracle Heralds Hillary Presidency: Face of Eleanor Roosevelt Appears in Semen Stain of Monica Lewinsky’s Dress