Elena Kagan Bares All For Playgirl

The long-awaited nude shots of Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan will appear in the upcoming issue of the iconic women’s magazine.  Playgirl’s editors say that Kagan “shows some penis.”  In the meantime, we have a not-safe-for-work preview after the jump. Read more

Jul 8

New Law Makes It A Crime To Ask ‘Is It Hot Enough For Ya?’

thermometerWASHINGTON – Congress passed emergency legislation yesterday making it a Federal offence for anyone residing east of the Mississippi river to inquire of anyone whether or not the temperature outside is agreeable.  The law will remain in effect for the duration of the oppressive heat wave.

The so-called “is it hot enough for ya?” bill was approved by overwhelming assent in both chambers.  President Obama signed the bill late yesterday.

 During the signing ceremony in the Rose Garden, he was flanked by Defense Secretary Robert Gates and Attorney General Eric Holder who sought to keep the Commander in Chief cool by fanning him with giant palm fronds.  It is believed to be the first time in the nations history that the President signed a bill into law wearing only his boxer shorts and a sleeveless undershirt.

“I am pleased to announce that with this new law, the American people residing along the Atlantic seaboard who are enduring unbearable suffering and inconvenience with these record-breaking temperatures will no longer have to endure the insipid, banal drivel used by the conversationally-challenged,” said the President.  “From now on, if you ask somebody is it hot enough for you, you’re going to jail.”

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Jul 8

Recording of Alleged Sexual Assault: Gore Warned Massage Therapist of Dramatic Warming of His Subsurface Temperatures

ATTACHMENT_TWO_AL_GOREThe transcript of the alleged 2006 sexual assault by former Vice President Al Gore of Molly Hagerty has been released.  Here are excerpts:

AL GORE: “Scientists have announced they’ve found alarming new evidence that human activities, specifically, your human activities, are responsible for the dramatic warming of my subsurface temperatures.  Many scientists are now warning that I have reached the tipping point from which there is no return, so it is essential that you take all necessary steps to end the persistent draught that has engulfed vast portions of my sex life.  The first thing that needs to be done to alleviate my subsurface pressure is for you to cause the rapid release of emissions from my heat-trapping smokestack.”

Jul 7

Lucifer Tells The Weather Channel: “We Have This Weather Year Round”

A devilATLANTA – Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness and Ruler of Hell, made a special guest appearance last night on The Weather Channel’s Evening Edition to offer his own unique perspective on the heat wave that is gripping much of the East Coast.

“I’ve been telling my residents the past couple of days that people in Philadelphia want ice water, too,” he joked with host Jim Cantore.  “But seriously, we have this kind of weather year round.”

Mr. Cantore asked if there were any notable differences.   “Well, for one thing, you don’t have to deal with brimstone up here.  We’re under a brimstone warning, or a brimstone watch basically 24-7.  And of course, there’s the daily showers of fire that our people deal with. But you get used to it. Hey, we’ve got no choice!”

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Jul 7

Bucs’ Coonelly Replaced by BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg

BP404PITTSBURGH – Carl-Henric Svanberg, 58, former Chairman of BP, was named president of the Pittsburgh Pirates, replacing Frank Coonelly, who was fired after three years at the helm.

Svanberg, who oversaw the clean-up of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill until he resigned as BP chairman, got the Bucs’ top job due to his experience in cleaning up massive disasters.

Last month, Svanberg found himself at the center of a public relations maelstrom when he described persons financially impacted by the oil spill as “the small people.” He insisted it was a translation problem.

This morning, he said that he would be an effective baseball executive because he could understand the concerns of “the small people.” This time Svanberg said there was no translation problem, and that he was referring to Pirates’ owner Bob Nutting, who, Svanberg insisted, “has a very small penis.”

Jul 6

Ed Rendell Dethrones Al Gore To Win Hotdog Eating Contest

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Jul 5

President Pulls Off Fourth Of July Miracle

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Jul 2

Diaries of Disappointed Colonial Women Reveal Meaning of Term “Minutemen”

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Jul 2

From the Carbolic Archives, July 3, 1776: “Rejoice, For We Shall Always Be Englishmen!”

Editorial by the Hon. Josiah Peckham, Editor:

Last month, Richard Henry Lee, a delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia, proposed a resolution that, if passed, would dissolve the colonies’ ties with their motherland.

Readers of this publication know my feelings about this resolution and its sponsor, so I will not repeat them here. The resolution is a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a treasonous, slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. And in the center of all this waste and stench, besmearing himself with its foulest defilement, splashes, leaps, cavorts and wallows a bifurcated specimen, a traitor that responds to the name of Richard Henry Lee.

Fortunately, I have just come from Philadelphia where I’ve conferred with the members of the Second Continental Congress and have learned beyond all doubt that this Lee Resolution is as dead as a doornail, and you heard it here first. My dear friend John Adams gave me a scoop to publish in this newspaper by assuring me that although a committee has been formed supposedly to draft a declaration of independence, it is a sham, concocted to satisfy the advocates of independence without any intention of acting on it. 

Mr. Adams said I should publish this useful information and receive all appropriate accolades for it.  I thanked Mr. Adams for this, and for putting behind us that little incident from last November involving me and Abigail when I found myself in Boston (not to repeat ourself, but it was cold, and I had nowhere else to sleep . . . ). I am glad Mr. Adams is not vindictive.

No, dear readers, one-hundred, nay, two-hundred years from now and beyond, the misguided devotees of independence will have been long forgotten, and we shall rejoice, as we now rejoice, that we are Englishmen!

Jul 2

Prosthetic Limb Industry Anticipates Big Business After Fourth of July

limbNew Limbsville – Dan Malloy, a spokesman for the National Association of Prosthetic Limb Retailers, said the industry expects “higher than normal sales” following this year’s Fourth of July celebration. Factors involved in the rosy forecast include the long three day holiday weekend, the anticipated consumption of massive amounts of alcohol by millions of people and the accessibility of cheap explosives.

During prior economic slow-downs, self-made amputees were more likely to go without, or fashion their own, crude limbs on garage work benches, or in high school shop classes. Experts hope this recession won’t be like that.

“There’s no question, a lot of people are going to drink and light fireworks,” said Mr. Malloy, “And when they lose that finger, or hand, we want them to know we’re here, ready to provide them with a fully operational, artificial appendage that will look and feel almost like the one they’ve lost.

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Jul 2

Photo of Harvard Law Dean Kagan Could Hurt Her Claim That She Welcomed Military on Campus

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Jul 1

Larry King ‘Surprised’ By News of His Retirement: ‘I Thought I Stopped Doing The Show Seven Years Ago!’

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Jul 1

Kagan Surprises Senate Judiciary Committee With Home Made Cookies

grandma with cookiesWASHINGTON - Elena Kagan, President Obama’s choice to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens on the United States Supreme Court, moved one step closer to confirmation yesterday when she surprised the Senate Judiciary Committee with two dozen freshly baked cookies.

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Alabama), normally a tough inquisitor, was effusive with his praise. “Little lady, if you are as good with case law as you are with a rolling pin, I predict smooth sailing through this Committee.”  The Senator then delivered a ten minute tribute to the delicious, melt-in-your mouth quality of Ms. Kagan’s treats, which he entered into the Congressional Record.

Ms. Kagan attended yesterday’s hearings wearing a broad smile and a flour-covered apron.  She told the Senators she had spent the preceding eight hours in her kitchen hunched over a mixing bowl and a Black’s Law dictionary. 

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Jul 1

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