hagmanlarry_cp_207978NEW ORLEANS – BP named John Ross Ewing, Jr., former president of Ewing Oil in Dallas, as replacement to CEO Tony Hayward last night, explaining that Mr. Ewing will change the company’s greedy image.

“Finally, at long last, we have done something right,” said Carl-Henric Svanberg, BP’s chairman of the board. “Mr. Ewing is a humanitarian without an avaricious, covetous, immoral bone in his body, and you heard it here first.”

Mr. Ewing said that restoring BP’s integrity is his top priority, after he crushes his arch-nemesis, Cliff Barnes.