LEON PANETTA: He’s not on the list but Barack Obama wants to see you. BILL CLINTON: Is this necessary? LEON PANETTA: He wasn’t sure if he was invited to the wedding; in case he was, he wanted to thank you. BILL CLINTON: All…
Monthly Archives: July 2010
Arizona Hires Seven Gunslingers To Protect Its Citizens From Mexican Immigrants
PHOENIX – The state of Arizona resorted to “Plan B” last night to protect its citizens from marauding Mexicans in the wake of a federal court ruling blocking implementation of Arizon’s new immigration law. Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer travelled to California…
Posted in Extras
From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: 1189 B.C.: Armor Used in Battle of Troy Recalled after Failing Tests
CITY OF TROY – The Achaean Army High Command has recalled more than 6,000 sets of body armor currently being used by soldiers fighting the Battle of Troy after an audit revealed the armor suffers from a serious design defect. Achaean warrior Achilles…
Tagged with: Achaean Army, Achilles, Battle of Troy, Helen of Troy
Posted in Archival Reports, History
Posted in Archival Reports, History
Consumer Tip: Wait for Parking Meter to Run Out Before Leaving Space
NEW YORK – Commuters are being urged to get their money’s worth out of parking meters by waiting until the meter completely runs out before leaving the parking space. “I see drivers leaving parking spaces with 15, sometimes 20 minutes…
BP’s New CEO Expected To Change Oil Behemoth’s Greedy Image
NEW ORLEANS – BP named John Ross Ewing, Jr., former president of Ewing Oil in Dallas, as replacement to CEO Tony Hayward last night, explaining that Mr. Ewing will change the company’s greedy image. “Finally, at long last, we have done something right,” said…
Posted in Extras
KKK, NAACP Hammer Out Consensus Statement on Race
Thus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”
Fired AG Worker ‘Pissed’ At Obama, Now Hates Black People
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shirley Sherrod, the black Agriculture Department employee ousted by the Obama administration after she was wrongly accused of bearing racial animus toward white people, said that now she hates black people. Sherrod was fired after a portion of a video aired showing a speech…
Posted in Extras
Registered Sex Offenders Hired To Monitor Airport Full Body Scan Images
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Transportation Security Administration said it is hiring registered sex offenders to monitor the images produced from high-tech full body scanners at the nation’s airports. The airport scanners produce detailed three-dimensional images of passengers’ naked bodies that resemble photo negatives. TSA safety director…
Posted in Extras
White House: Obama Dog Bo ‘Did Great’ Piloting Plane to First Family’s Vacation Spot
WASHINGTON – The Obamas’ dog, Bo, was allowed to fly the plane that transported him to the Obama’s vacation spot in Maine last weekend, a source revealed. “Bo was anxious to take the controls, and he did a great job,” said…
Posted in Obama
Biden: Tea Party Should Denounce Racism By Recruiting Clean, Nice-Looking Blacks
WASHINGTON – Vice President Joe Biden has some advice for the Tea Party movement. “They need to get rid of their racist image,” Biden explained. “The best way to to do that is to recruit some blacks. But they need to be…
Posted in Extras
BP Finally Reaches Deal With Little Dutch Boy, Leak Is Plugged
NEW ORLEANS – After 85 days of intense negotiations, BP finally, but reluctantly, agreed to pay the Little Dutch Boy’s $100 million consulting fee, which BP repeatedly had said was “exorbitant,” to plug the runaway geyser in the Gulf of Mexico. BP finally caved…
Posted in Extras
Analyst: Expect more ‘Spy Swaps’ from Cash-Strapped US before Trading Deadline
WASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!” “No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained.…
Long-Lost Scripture Is Parable of The Mediocre Samaritan
JERUSALEM – Biblical archaeologists have unearthed a portion of the Gospel of Luke, lost for more than 1,900 years, that reportedly tells the story of the Mediocre Samaritan, brother of the Good Samaritan. “It’s the story of a Samaritan who kind of helped the victim of a…
‘Barefoot Bandit’ Claims Police Lineup Was Unconstitutional Because He Was Too Easy To Pick Out
Posted in Extras
LeBron James To Enter The Seminary
GREENWICH - Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary. Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit…
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
Religious Woman: Where Have All the Shirtless Young Men Gone?
Commentary by Rosacea M. Swayne – As a deeply religious woman, I detest all the sex, sex, sex on television nowadays. You can’t turn on the “boob tube” without being inundated with sweaty naked bodies of the mixed gender variety…
Posted in Commentary