LEON PANETTA: He’s not on the list but Barack Obama wants to see you.
BILL CLINTON: Is this necessary?
LEON PANETTA: He wasn’t sure if he was invited to the wedding; in case he was, he wanted to thank you.
BILL CLINTON: All right.
BARACK OBAMA: (Talking to himself) Don Clinton, I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child.
MARC MEZVINSKY: (To Chelsea Clinton) Chelsea, that man over there is talking to himself. You see that scary guy over there?
CHELSEA CLINTON: He’s a very scary guy.
MARC MEZVINSKY: Well, who is he? What’s his name?
CHELSEA CLINTON: His name is Barack Obama, and he helps my parents carry out their agenda sometimes. Like the time my parents went to see Congressman Bart Stupak, and they offered him $10,000 to get his vote for the health care bill. But Stupak said “no.” So the next day, my parents went to see Stupak, only with Barack Obama. Within an hour, Stupak announced he was voting for the bill for a certified check for $1,000.
MARC MEZVINSKY: Why did he do that?
CHELSEA CLINTON: My parents made him an offer he couldn’t refuse.
MARC MEZVINSKY: What was that?
CHELSEA CLINTON: Barack Obama held a gun to his head and my parents assured Stupak that either his brains or his signature would be on the bill. That’s a true story. That’s my family, Marc, not me.
PHOENIX – The state of Arizona resorted to “Plan B” last night to protect its citizens from marauding Mexicans in the wake of a federal court ruling blocking implementation of Arizon’s new immigration law.
Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer travelled to California yesterday and hired seven notorious gunslingers to protect her state, led by veteran gunfighter Yul Brynner, gambler Steve McQueen, and heartthrob Horst Werner Buchholz. The gunslingers intend to teach Arizona’s citizens to fight in order to route invading Mexicans.
Gov. Brewer also hired film composer Elmer Bernstein to come up with an iconic score to commemorate the pending battle.
From the Archives of Carbolic Smoke Ball: 1189 B.C.: Armor Used in Battle of Troy Recalled after Failing Tests
CITY OF TROY – The Achaean Army High Command has recalled more than 6,000 sets of body armor currently being used by soldiers fighting the Battle of Troy after an audit revealed the armor suffers from a serious design defect.
Achaean warrior Achilles explained: “Quality control testing, which entailed firing projectiles at ten now-deceased heroic soldiers, revealed that the current body armor leaves a portion of the soldier’s body completely exposed to attack — namely, from the top of the neck down to the bare feet.”
In addition, Mr. Achilles said the audit determined that the soldiers should also wear pants in battle “given the numerous mosquito bites wreaking havoc on our army’s penes and scrota, thus disfiguring the flawless genitalia known throughout the world from our Grecian vases.”
An equally important reason for wearing pants, according to Mr. Achilles, “stems from the recent incident where Helen of Troy sniggered and chortled lustily when she caught a glimpse of several of our brave soldiers on a particularly cold evening.”
NEW YORK – Commuters are being urged to get their money’s worth out of parking meters by waiting until the meter completely runs out before leaving the parking space.
“I see drivers leaving parking spaces with 15, sometimes 20 minutes remaining on the meter,” said incredulous consumer advocate Carol J. Murray.
“In this recession, people can’t afford to waste time on the meter, so we’re urging everyone to please, please, just sit in their cars until the meter runs out.”
NEW ORLEANS – BP named John Ross Ewing, Jr., former president of Ewing Oil in Dallas, as replacement to CEO Tony Hayward last night, explaining that Mr. Ewing will change the company’s greedy image.
“Finally, at long last, we have done something right,” said Carl-Henric Svanberg, BP’s chairman of the board. “Mr. Ewing is a humanitarian without an avaricious, covetous, immoral bone in his body, and you heard it here first.”
Mr. Ewing said that restoring BP’s integrity is his top priority, after he crushes his arch-nemesis, Cliff Barnes.
Thus far, the statement seeking common ground reads: “Whites are supreme; no they aren’t.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Shirley Sherrod, the black Agriculture Department employee ousted by the Obama administration after she was wrongly accused of bearing racial animus toward white people, said that now she hates black people.
Sherrod was fired after a portion of a video aired showing a speech in which she discussed not doing all she could to help a white farmer twenty-four years ago. Only after Sherrod was fired was it revealed that in the remainder of the speech, she explained that her attitude toward the farmer was wrong.
Sherrod confirmed today that she does not hate white people. “After what Obama did to me, now I hate black people,” she explained.
President Obama reportedly is confused about what he should do to make amends to Ms. Sherrod, but told an aide he thought apologizing to “head blacks” Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would make all things right.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Transportation Security Administration said it is hiring registered sex offenders to monitor the images produced from high-tech full body scanners at the nation’s airports.
The airport scanners produce detailed three-dimensional images of passengers’ naked bodies that resemble photo negatives.
TSA safety director Noah Swayne said that sex offenders “are ideal” for the job because ”they are very interested in the work and will pay strict attention to their jobs.”
Swayne said that while most sex offenders “technically” aren’t permitted to be looking at the naked images, “I won’t turn them in unless they get out of line. If they do, I’ll have ‘em tossed back into prison.”
Swayne dismissed safety concerns of passengers about having sex offenders looking at the naked images. “It’ll be a real hoot to see if the sex offenders can refrain from acting out their impulses,” Swayne chuckled.
WASHINGTON – The Obamas’ dog, Bo, was allowed to fly the plane that transported him to the Obama’s vacation spot in Maine last weekend, a source revealed.
“Bo was anxious to take the controls, and he did a great job,” said White House press secretary Robert Gibbs.
Another source, who asked not to be identified, said that “Bo had no idea what he was doing up there. He stunk up the sky.”
The White House earlier refused to explain why Bo did not fly to Maine with the first family but arrived earlier on a separate plane. “The reason was that the President is afraid to fly while Bo’s at the controls,” said a White House source.
WASHINGTON – Vice President Joe Biden has some advice for the Tea Party movement.
“They need to get rid of their racist image,” Biden explained. “The best way to to do that is to recruit some blacks. But they need to be careful about the kind of blacks they recruit. What they need is a few mainstream African-Americans who are articulate, bright, clean, and nice-looking. Like President Obama.”
Biden said that the Tea Party movement will always be “treated as a joke” as long as there are racists in the movement.
NEW ORLEANS – After 85 days of intense negotiations, BP finally, but reluctantly, agreed to pay the Little Dutch Boy’s $100 million consulting fee, which BP repeatedly had said was “exorbitant,” to plug the runaway geyser in the Gulf of Mexico.
BP finally caved after pressure from the White House. Within hours, the Dutch Boy plugged the leak using only his finger, the same method he had employed when he famously plugged the leak in the dike in Holland.
“I wait till BP check clear [sic] before I plug leak,” said the Dutch Boy, in halting English.
The Dutch Boy will use a rotating team of scuba divers to stick their fingers in the leak, he explained.
WASHINGTON – The international espionage community rarely agrees on anything, but the recent “spy swap” between the United States and Russia has most counterintelligence analysts nodding their heads and exclaiming in unison: “Salary dump!”
“No question about it,” Boris Yeltsin-Swayne of Lithuania explained. “You see what the United States gave up? Ten young spies for four broken down has-beens.”
Yeltsin-Swayne, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said “it is common knowledge” that the United States can no longer afford a large payroll and needed to get something for the ten spies rather than lose them all to free agency.
JERUSALEM – Biblical archaeologists have unearthed a portion of the Gospel of Luke, lost for more than 1,900 years, that reportedly tells the story of the Mediocre Samaritan, brother of the Good Samaritan.
“It’s the story of a Samaritan who kind of helped the victim of a robbery, but not very well,” said Dr. Noah Swayne, Bible scholar at Cairo University. “Let’s be blunt: he’s a real screw up.”
In the long-lost Gospel, Jesus relates the parable to his apostles, then the apostle Peter asks him: “Master, has the Samaritan done the will of the father?” Jesus answers: “Meh.”
GREENWICH - Lebron James ended months of speculation last night when he announced during an ESPN special broadcast that he is leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers and entering the seminary.
Mr. James said he received a vocational calling from the Holy Spirit during Game Six of his teams NBA playoff game this past season.
According to Mr. James, the Holy Spirit was sitting court side, and spent the entire contest heckling him about joining the priesthood. “Now, I can finally reveal why I performed so poorly during the climactic Game Seven contest. I was torn between my desire to serve the one true Holy Roman Catholic church, and my goal of winning a championship for my home town. Something had to give. In the end, it was basketball.”
The Night Started Off Well Enough: The President Allowed Angry Southerners To Pose For Gag Pictures With Him Before The Play Started
Commentary by Rosacea M. Swayne – As a deeply religious woman, I detest all the sex, sex, sex on television nowadays. You can’t turn on the “boob tube” without being inundated with sweaty naked bodies of the mixed gender variety writhing in sinful, premarital and carnal passion for the prurient pleasure of Americans who insist on being chronically aroused.
Television has become a 24 X 7 electronic Viagara, a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity.
The purveyors of these shameful exhibitions, and the viewers luxuriating in them, are all going straight to hell, each and every one, and you heard it here first.
I grew up in a time when morality held sway, thank you very much. Back then, on a hot day like yesterday, a girl wouldn’t need to watch these dirty things on television in order to be exposed — IN A HEALTHY, RELIGIOUS WAY — to members of the opposite sex. All she had to do was go outside and there they were in all their shirtless wonder.
I can still picture it: lithe, muscular boys in their late teens frolicking in the majesty of their budding manhood; perspiration highlighting their well-toned pecs; their sweat-soaked shorts accenting tight, beautiful asses and vibrant genitalia. We didn’t need HBO AND ITS UTTER FILTH; we were exposed to sexuality in RELIGIOUS, MORAL, HEALTHY WAYS because our imaginations supplied all we needed to know about what each of these boys looked like completely naked — from the size and shape of their penises down to the dimples in their asses.