Girl’s Activities While Lost At Sea Under Review Following News She’s Pregnant With Boy To Be Named “Swee’Pea”

PopeyeINDIAN OCEAN – Authorities are attempting to piece together sixteen-year-old sailor Abby Sunderland’s activities during the two days she was lost at sea after it was revealed that she is pregnant.  Ms. Sunderland said she will name her child “Swee’Pea.” 

The teenager was plucked from her disabled sailboat in the turbulent briny deep last week as she tried to become the youngest sailor to circumnavigate the globe. 

Authorities investigating the pregnancy are searching for a one-eyed sailor who was seen fleeing the vicinity of Ms. Sunderland’s boat on a small vessel at the time of the rescue.  He is described as a middle-aged man with disproportionately muscular forearms who was smoking a corncob pipe and was heard laughing, “A-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah.”

Jun 14

Pittsburgh Pirates Name Milburn Drysdale To Board of Directors

drysdale211PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh Pirates owner Bob Nutting issued a press release yesterday indicating that Milburn Drysdale, President of the Beverly Hills Commerce Bank, has been named to the team’s Board of Directors.  Among the duties Mr. Drysdale will perform, according to Mr. Nutting, will be the negotiations between the ball club and their top picks in the recent amateur draft.

“Milburn has been my banker and my friend for a long time,” Mr. Nutting wrote, “and I have admired his parsimonious ways for lo these many years.  To think that he will have a chance to do for me what he has done for Jed Clampett and his family for nearly fifty years, that is, keep their money in the bank, brings me great joy.”

In a related move, a disgruntled group of Pirate fans is planning a torch-lit, pitchfork-wielding parade Monday night to Mr. Nutting’s West Virginia home following an eight game losing streak as the Pirates prepare to host the White Sox on Tuesday.

Jun 14

Carbolic Flashback: June 11, 1939: Hitler Hires New York Public Relations Firm To Repair Image

adolf-hitlerBERLIN -Adolf Hitler, Fuhrer of the German people and leader of a Reich that will last a thousand years, announced yesterday that he has retained the services of Goodman Shaw & Basie, a powerful New York public relations firm, to assist in rebuilding his image following a series of high-profile international incidents over the past three years.

Among the moves recommended by his new handlers: a no-holds barred interview with Walter Winschell or Louella Parsons to explain his decisions to repeatedly violate the provisions of the Versaille treaty, rearm the German military, occupy the Ruhr, annex Austria and rape Czechoslovakia.

“Let’s face it, Adolf has made some mistakes,” said Mr. Hitler’s associate, Joe Goebbels. “He’s a good guy, but I think this whole Fuhrer thing went straight to his head.”

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Jun 11

Concussed Pirates Catcher Thinks He’s Member of Major League Baseball Team, Additional Tests Ordered

shock-therapy_mediumPITTSBURGH – Ryan Doumit, the starting catcher for the Pittsburgh Pirates who sustained a concussion during a game last Sunday at PNC Park, is still suffering the effects of the blow to his head.

“Our interviews with Ryan indicate that he may be having trouble separating fantasy from reality, or, in the worst case scenario, is entering the early stages of dementia,” said Pirates team physician Dr. Joseph Dunn. 

“The poor fellow is under the impression that he is a member of a professional baseball team,” he continued, shaking his head slowly from side to side.  “Can you imagine the trauma his brain must have endured to harbor such preposterous thoughts?”

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Jun 10

Queen Elizabeth Tells David Frost She Is Quitting Smokeless Tobacco

queen elizabeth iiLONDON – Queen Elizabeth II told David Frost she is quitting smokeless tobacco and is urging her subjects to do the same.  Her Royal Highness revealed her lifelong addiction to the canned carcinogen in an interview scheduled to air on the BBC this Friday evening.

The Queen discussed a number of subjects with Mr. Frost, including her recent bout with irritable bowel syndrome, her desire to start a Royalty-only bowling league, and the impending knighthood of Simon Cowell.  But it was her startling profession of love for snuff that has everyone in Great Britain talking.

“I started to dip shortly after I married the Duke of Edinburgh back in ’47.  We went to see the Brooklyn Dodgers in Vero Beach that winter on our honeymoon.  Leo Durocher gave me my first can of Skoal.”

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Jun 9

Archie, Jughead Accused of Plotting Massacre At Riverdale High

Jughead209458RIVERDALE - Police arrested Archie Andrews and his longtime sidekick, a boy known to local ne’er do wells as “Jughead,” yesterday in connection with a plot to kill teachers and students at Riverdale High School.

A search of their lockers conducted by school officials turned up several boxes of hand grenades, two automatic rifles, six revolvers, plastic explosives and four overdue library books. 

“I am appalled that these boys could show such callous disregard for school property,” said school principal Mr. Weatherbee.

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Jun 8

Clampett Tells BP Exec: “Jethro Can Cap The Spill”

jedBEVERLY HILLS – Jed Clampett, the once poor mountaineer who struck black gold while shooting for some food in a backwoods glen, held an emergency meeting in the fancy eating room of his posh estate with President Obama and British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward yesterday to propose a solution to the oil spill that is devastating the Louisiana coastline.

“I reckon my nephew Jethro can fill that hole,” Mr. Clampett told his guests. “He’s been working on some sort of contraption he invented hisself out by the cement pond for the last several days.”

Mr. Clampett added that his nephew is a highly educated individual, having completed six grades of formal schooling. “So this invention of his is sure to work.”

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Jun 7

Heartbroken Willis Cries: ‘I Never Told Arnold What I Was Talking About!’

crying-manNEW YORK – Willis Jackson, adopted son of Park Avenue millionaire Philip Drummond, wept bitter tears during a live interview yesterday over the fact that he repeatedly refused the pleas of his younger brother Arnold to explain what, in fact, he was talking about.  Arnold Jackson died last Friday following complications from a cerebral hemorrhage.

“There wasn’t a day went by that he didn’t furrow his brow, jut his chin, purse his lips and demand that I tell him what I was talking about,” Mr. Jackson told Oprah Winfrey and a national television audience.  “If only I could have found it in my heart to tell him.”

Mr. Jackson admitted during a later segment of the program that he often didn’t know what he was talking about himself.

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Jun 4

The Words Every Father Dreads Hearing . . .

shock78362195“Dad, I met this great guy. His name is Joran van der Sloot.”

 

 

 

 

Jun 4

BP Rolls Out Big Guns To Clean Up Oil Spill

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Jun 3

Creators Of “Lost” Hired To Devise Satisfying Conclusion To Oil Spill Disaster

LOSTHOLLYWOOD - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward announced yesterday that the company has abandoned efforts to cap the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and, instead, has hired Damen Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to devise a conclusion to the ecological disaster that will satisfy both critics and the general public.

Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment.  Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.

“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling.  “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”

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Jun 2

BP Summons Anthony Sullivan to Stop Leak With ‘Mighty Fixit’ Self-Fusing Silicone Tape

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“As seen on TV”

 

 

Jun 1

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