WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hours after disavowing the concept of a ”living Constituton” that changes akin to a living organism, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was brutally attacked by her copy of the document and narrowly escaped with her life.
Kagan, badly bruised, is resting in a Washington, D.C. hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.
Kagan made her remarks about the “living Constitution” Tuesday morning during her confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Later in the afternoon, she returned to her office and turned on the lights when, she claimed, she heard the sound of breaking glass in the credenza where she keeps her yellowed, dog-eared copy of the Constitution.
Suddenly, according to Kagan, the Constitution stood up on its own and, without warning, leaped toward her face and knocked him to the floor. The document proceeded to maul her, Kagan said, leaving her with multiple paper cuts about the neck and face.
Kagan was able to grab a paper shredder next to her desk, causing the Constitution instinctively to dart behind a curtain. Kagan then ran out of the building and sought medical attention.
Police confiscated the purported “living Constitution” from Kagan’s office.
Although investigators initially discounted Kagan’s account as “fantastic,” forensic testing last night revealed that inkprints on her throat are from the document.