HOLLYWOOD - British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward announced yesterday that the company has abandoned efforts to cap the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and, instead, has hired Damen Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to devise a conclusion to the ecological disaster that will satisfy both critics and the general public.
Mr. Lindelof and Mr. Cuse, creators of the television show “Lost,” are riding a wave of popularity at the moment. Their show ended last Sunday evening in a way that most Americans found pleasing.
“Obviously, we don’t have the luxury of six years to wrap this up, like we did on “Lost,” said Mr. Cuse, chuckling. “But Damon and I are determined to see this through in a way that will allow those who created this huge natural disaster and those suffering the effects of this environmental catastrophe to gain closure.”
An advance copy of Mr. Lindelof’s script calls for the underwater detonation of a thermonuclear device that will rip a hole in the time-space continuum, allowing BP engineers to go back in time and replace the faulty valve before the explosion ever occurs.
“I’m just hoping the President will let us have one of his old nuclear weapons,” said Mr. Cuse.
When Mr. Hayward read a copy of the Lindelof script, he was exuberant. “Why this is the most plausible solution yet. It’s a pity we didn’t hire these fellows sooner.”