Monthly Archives: June 2010

Kagan Attacked By Her Copy of The Constitution After Disavowing Concept of ‘Living Constitution’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hours after disavowing the concept of a “living Constituton” that changes akin to a living organism, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was brutally attacked by her copy of the document and narrowly escaped with her life. Kagan, badly bruised,

Posted in Extras

Furious Justice Stevens Victim of Whoopee Cushion Prank To Open Last Day On Supreme Court

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.

Posted in Extras, Legal News, U.S. News

Kevin Costner Hears ‘Voice’ Again, Invents Oil Clean-Up Device

Washed-up actor also puts blighted ball-field in cornfield on the market

Posted in Extras

Lone Dentist Who Refused To Recommend Trident Identifies Himself

NEW YORK – The best-kept secret in the history of American advertising was divulged yesterday, when the lone dentist participating in a national survey who refused to recommend Trident chewing gum to consumers revealed his identity to the public. “I guess you could

Posted in Extras

Flashback: June 25, 1876: Col. Custer Poised to End Indian Problem, Once And For All

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Ethan Peckham:  The United States of America, trustee of order, tranquility, and prosperity on the North American continent, is poised to end, once and for all, its long-festering tensions with plains Indian tribes, and you heard it here

Posted in Extras

Tarzan Denied Service At 7-Eleven For Violating No Shoes, No Shirt Policy

DES MOINES – Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle and King of the Apes, was arrested for disorderly conduct last evening following a disturbance at a local 7-Eleven convenience store. According to store manager Joe Dunn, Mr. Tarzan became belligerent after a cashier

Posted in Extras

Nurse From Iconic WWII Kissing Photo Dies

  Sailor from the photo was summoned to administer mouth-to-mouth, but he couldn’t save her.

Posted in Extras

White House Releases Transcript of Obama’s Meeting With Gen. McChrystal

PRESIDENT OBAMA: You have to answer for Rolling Stone, Stanley. That little farce you played with my sister, you think that could fool an Obama? GEN.  McCHRYSTAL: Your sister?  I’m confused, sir… PRESIDENT OBAMA: Barzini is dead. So is Phillip

Posted in Extras

Study: Laughter Not Best Medicine For Kidney Stones

NEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones. “For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,”

Posted in Extras, Science, U.S. News

Obama Replaces General McChrystal With Aunt Esther

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama announced yesterday that he was replacing General Stanley McChrystal as Commander of United States Forces in Afghanistan with Aunt Esther, the fiery, God-fearing sister-in-law of a prominent Los Angeles junk dealer. The move comes after news became

Posted in Extras

From the Carbolic Archives: Anniversary of John Bobbitt’s Severed Manhood

MANASSAS, VA (June 24, 1993) – Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left

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Posted in Archival Reports

Faisal Shahzad Blames Body Attached To His Back For Times Square Bomb Plot

Posted in Extras

Jim Anderson, Ward Cleaver Arrested After Father’s Day Melee

BLANDSVILLE – Jim Anderson and Ward Cleaver, paragons of paternal virtue and wholesome models of decency, were arrested late Sunday evening after a Fathers Day gathering between the two families erupted into a fierce brawl. According to witnesses, at one point Mr. Anderson, known far

Posted in Extras

Che Guevara Posters Hang in Dorm Rooms Around The World; Whose Poster Did Che Display?

Posted in International News

College Student Sues Congressman Bob Etheridge For Blurring His Face

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The college student assaulted by Congressman Bob Etheridge has sued the North Carolina Democrat because the assault blurred his face and he can’t unblur it.  “Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” the young man said. “I

Posted in Extras

Tearful Al Gore Says On-Line Affair With Laurie David Destroyed Marriage

“Oh, how I wish I had never invented the Internet!”        

Posted in Extras

BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg Pledges $20 Billion For Spill Victims, Cialis For The ‘Small’ People

“We care about the small people.  We want to make sure they keep their girlfriends happy.” — BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg  

Posted in Extras

Correction: Local Man’s Death Was Timely, Not Untimely

Correction to a story we ran yesterday:  The death of Noah Swayne, 68, of Blawnox, Pennsylvania, was not “untimely,” as we erroneously reported. Mr. Swayne’s death was timely. Mr. Swayne’s widow, Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, explained: “His death actually came at a good time.” Mr. Swayne’s

Posted in Extras

Congressman Bob Etheridge Signs With The Pittsburgh Steelers

Posted in Extras

BP Miracle: Virgin Mary Spotted in Oil Slick, Tells Obama to “Keep On Drilling”

NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama. “She said, ‘Don’t let this

Posted in Business, Environment, Extras, U.S. News
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