WASHINGTON, D.C. – Hours after disavowing the concept of a ”living Constituton” that changes akin to a living organism, Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan was brutally attacked by her copy of the document and narrowly escaped with her life.
Kagan, badly bruised, is resting in a Washington, D.C. hospital, and is expected to make a full recovery.
Kagan made her remarks about the “living Constitution” Tuesday morning during her confirmation hearing before the Senate Judiciary Committee. Later in the afternoon, she returned to her office and turned on the lights when, she claimed, she heard the sound of breaking glass in the credenza where she keeps her yellowed, dog-eared copy of the Constitution.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Justice John Paul Stevens sat on a whoopee cushion prior to the beginning of oral arguments Monday on his final day as a member of the United States Supreme Court and sent his colleagues into convulsions of laughter.
The ninety year old Justice, however, saw no humor at all in what he described as “an affront to the dignity of this institution” during a blistering attack on the perpetrator of the practical joke which he delivered from the bench.
“Let the record show that during my entire tenure as a member of the judicial system of this great nation at no time did I ever once engage in the act of flatulence, either real or imagined, during the performance of my official duties. To attempt to discredit my character, or impugn my ability to control the release of foul-smelling air from the body cavity of my nether-regions by placing this vile gadget on my chair is an act that could only be conceived by a wretched charlatan of the lowest order.”
Washed-up actor also puts blighted ball-field in cornfield on the market
NEW YORK - The best-kept secret in the history of American advertising was divulged yesterday, when the lone dentist participating in a national survey who refused to recommend Trident chewing gum to consumers revealed his identity to the public.
“I guess you could call me the Deep Throat of Dentistry” said Dr. Joseph Contrary, a self-described maverick who would not budge under pressure from big chewing gum.
Dr. Contrary shared his story during a symposium on floss being sponsored by the American Dental Association. ”I never felt comfortable with the methodology of the survey,” he said.
Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Ethan Peckham: The United States of America, trustee of order, tranquility, and prosperity on the North American continent, is poised to end, once and for all, its long-festering tensions with plains Indian tribes, and you heard it here first.
I have it on the best authority that Lt. Col. George Custer and the 7th Cavalry have been dispatched to the Little Big Horn River where they will meet with strange looking Hunkpapa Lakota holy man, Sitting Bull. In the childish parlance of the godless savages Sitting Bull represents, Custer and the squat holy man will smoke-em peace pipe and bury the hatchet.
The terms of the peace are that the Indians will agree to return, without further rancor, to the reservations set aside for them by President Grant, and the Americans will agree to continue to dominate the continent.
DES MOINES – Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle and King of the Apes, was arrested for disorderly conduct last evening following a disturbance at a local 7-Eleven convenience store.
According to store manager Joe Dunn, Mr. Tarzan became belligerent after a cashier noticed the vine-swinger was in violation of a decades-old company policy of refusing service to any patron not wearing shoes or a shirt.
“Tarzan entered the store dressed in a loincloth and a knife,” said Dunn. “When my employee asked him in a polite way to exit the premises and return wearing more appropriate clothing, Tarzan went bananas.”
Sailor from the photo was summoned to administer mouth-to-mouth, but he couldn’t save her.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: You have to answer for Rolling Stone, Stanley. That little farce you played with my sister, you think that could fool an Obama?
GEN. McCHRYSTAL: Your sister? I’m confused, sir…
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattaglia . . . . Moe Greene . . . . Strachi . . . . Cuneo . . . . All the heads of the five families. Today I settle all family business, so don’t tell me you’re innocent.
GEN. McCHRYSTAL: What are you talking about, sir? I don’t know those people…
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Admit what you did. . . . Don’t be afraid. Do you think I’d leave Afghanistan without a commander? . . . No, Stanley, you’re out of the family business, that’s your punishment. I’m putting you on a plane to Las Vegas. I want you to stay there. Understand? Only don’t tell me you’re innocent. Because it insults my intelligence — and makes me very angry… Now who approached you to do that Rolling Stone interview? Barzini or Tattaglia?
GEN. McCHRYSTAL: Sir, I don’t know who those people are -
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Don’t lie to me, Stanley.
GEN. McCHRYSTAL: Ah, alright, I’ll say it was Barzini. Whoever that is. Now can I go?
PRESIDENT OBAMA: Good. (Rises) There’s a car waiting for you outside to take you to the airport. I’ll call your wife, to tell her what flight you’re on. Get outa my sight!
NEW HAVEN – A report released today by the New England Journal of Medicine concludes that laughter may not be the best medicine for kidney stones.
“For years we have all read or heard that laughter is the best medicine,” said Dr. Kevin Matschner, who co-authored the report. “But, after careful observation of the men participating in our study suffering from urinary tract blockages, I believe we can state categorically that laughter had little or no effect on the alleviation of their suffering.”
Dr. Matschner offered the following explanation to support his findings. “One group of men felled by kidney stones were kept in a room and exposed to round the clock viewings of films from comedians ranging from Buster Keaton and W.C. Fields to Jim Carrey and Will Ferrell. Another group with the same affliction was kept in a hilarity-free chamber and administered a series of antibiotics and injections intended to dissolve their stones. In every single case, the men who received laughter-only treatment for their malady became more irritable, more violent, and in some cases, lost consciousness.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Obama announced yesterday that he was replacing General Stanley McChrystal as Commander of United States Forces in Afghanistan with Aunt Esther, the fiery, God-fearing sister-in-law of a prominent Los Angeles junk dealer.
The move comes after news became public that General McChrystal made critical comments about the President in a Rolling Stone magazine article to be published this Friday.
“I am sending Aunt Esther to Afghanistan because I know she is the right person for the job,” said Mr. Obama.
MANASSAS, VA (June 24, 1993) – Lorena Bobbitt, 24, severed the penis of her husband, John Bobbitt, 26, last night in their Manassas apartment after she said he forced her to have sex. Following the alleged rape, Mrs. Bobbitt left her sleeping husband in bed and went to the kitchen to retrieve an eight-inch carving knife. She returned to the bedroom, pulled the sheet away from Mr. Bobbitt and, with one slice, cut off almost half his penis. She then jumped into her car and raced away, still holding her husband’s organ. She hurled the appendage into a field as she sped by.
Police embarked on a massive manhood-hunt for Mr. Bobbitt’s not-so-massive manhood and miraculously located the organ in the field where Mrs. Bobbitt had tossed it. Before transporting it to the hospital, they packed it in ice, causing embarrassing shrinkage.
The penis returned to normal size “and then some” when police assigned it to the care of big-busted Sergeant Annette Swayne en route to the hospital.
BLANDSVILLE - Jim Anderson and Ward Cleaver, paragons of paternal virtue and wholesome models of decency, were arrested late Sunday evening after a Fathers Day gathering between the two families erupted into a fierce brawl.
According to witnesses, at one point Mr. Anderson, known far and wide for his gentle, easy-going nature, broke a beer bottle in half and lunged for the throat of Mr. Cleaver, vowing to “splatter” his “ f*****g blood” all over the Anderson’s freshly polished floor.
Neighbor Danny Williams overheard what he thought was an argument and entered the home just in time to separate the two men. He offered this explanation: “Apparently, Jim was upset that Ward didn’t wear a necktie to the barbecue. As you know, Jim has a very strict dress code. He puts on a tuxedo to clean out his gutters. And when Ward made what Jim thought was an insensitive comment about the new cardigan sweater Margaret bought him for Father’s Day, he just lost it.” Margaret Anderson is Jim Anderson’s wife.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The college student assaulted by Congressman Bob Etheridge has sued the North Carolina Democrat because the assault blurred his face and he can’t unblur it.
“Now everyone I meet is squinting to see my face clearly,” the young man said. “I can’t get a date. Shaving has become impossible. And everyone accuses me of moving when they take my picture.”
Officials of the Democratic National Committee say the blurred face is a Republican trick.
“Oh, how I wish I had never invented the Internet!”
BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg Pledges $20 Billion For Spill Victims, Cialis For The ‘Small’ People
“We care about the small people. We want to make sure they keep their girlfriends happy.” — BP Chairman Carl-Henric Svanberg
Correction to a story we ran yesterday: The death of Noah Swayne, 68, of Blawnox, Pennsylvania, was not “untimely,” as we erroneously reported. Mr. Swayne’s death was timely.
Mr. Swayne’s widow, Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, explained: ”His death actually came at a good time.” Mr. Swayne’s son, Wayne, agreed. “I have no problem at all with it,” he explained.
Blawnox funeral director, John Slater, said: “I couldn’t be happier for the family.”
NEW ORLEANS – Executives of beleaguered British Petroleum finally got some good news yesterday when cleanup workers reported that they’ve seen the image of the Virgin Mary in the massive oil slick, and that she has a message for President Obama.
“She said, ’Don’t let this minor setback stop the United States from pursuing exploratory deepwater drilling, Mr. President,’” BP CEO Tony Hayward proclaimed. “That’s a direct quote from the Virgin Mary. I’m sure that BP got it exactly right.”
Hayward said BP has ceased its efforts to halt the oil spill and is concentrating on figuring out how to preserve the image of the Virgin Mary so that BP can sell it. “We plan to pay our restitution obligations with the revenue from the oily icon.”