PHILADELPHIA - Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and self-described hockey fanatic, visited with members of the Philadelphia Flyers yesterday and informed them that he wouldn’t be shaving until after the team wins the Stanley Cup.
”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he said. “I’m mad all right. Mad about the way these guys play the coolest game on ice!”
Mr. Rasputin is in town to deliver a series of lectures at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center on the effectiveness of staring as a way to combat juvenile hemophilia. “It worked for the Czar’s kid. It can work for yours.”
The iconic mystic predicted a quick Flyers victory over the Boston Bruins, followed by a sound thrashing of the Chicago Black Hawks in the finals. ”I look forward to committing the most vile and depraved acts of debauchery with the Stanley Cup once we win the championship,” he hollered, to a round of lusty cheers from the Flyers.
Team captain Mike Richards described meeting Rasputin as the realization of a life-long dream. ”He’s just as mesmerizing, just as powerfully charismatic as he was described in my World Cultures textbook back in eleventh grade. And he’s really got this playoff beard thing going.”