PHOENIX - As if Governor Jan Brewer didn’t have enough on her mind these days, the Apache Indians, who last took up arms against the United States over one hundred and twenty years ago, left their reservation last night with the intent to make war on Arizona citizens.
Commuters stuck in rush hour traffic on Interstate Route 17 yesterday morning were forced to contend with howling bands of warriors on horseback who carried off women and children, slaughtered helpless drivers stuck behind the wheel and set fire to hundreds of automobiles.
Marauding bands of Apaches are expected to attack several subdivisions and appartment complexes around the Phoenix metro area over the next several days, according to information posted under the ”attack, pillage, rape and kill” schedule posted on the homepage of the official Apache Indian Nation web site.
NEW YORK CITY - Last night, jack-of-all-trades Noah Swayne was certified as a master of seven more trades, bringing his record to 491.
If he masters just four more, he will achieve the designation “Jack of All Trades, Master of All.”
VATICAN CITY – Collections at Roman Catholic churches are down all over the world due to the recession, and more and more pastors are resorting to pickpocketing to fill the church’s coffers.
More than 50% of Catholics claim they’ve been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving communion. Pickpocketing has helped some parishes increase their revenues by 40%.
The more sophisticated operations have priests working in teams to pull off their larceny.
WASHINGTON - The director of the Federal Laundry Agency told Congress yesterday that the scourge of ring around the collar may soon join bubonic plague, smallpox and polio on the scrap heap of epidemic history.
“Those dirty rings. For centuries, consciencious house wives have done everything,” said Gilbert Tide, III in testimony before a select committee studying legislation that would mandate a uniform national rinse cycle.
“They’ve tried rubbing them out. They’ve tried scrubbing them out, and nothing worked. But today, I am pleased to announce that with improvements in the creation and distribution of powerful new detergents to the general public, ring around the collar may soon be a thing of the past.”
WASHINGTON - Jack Bauer, the rogue government agent who plays by his own rules, has been given one final mission: obtain one hundred per cent compliance for the United States Census Bureau.
“Title 13 of the United States Code requires your response,” Bauer said, in a hoarse whisper. “By being counted, you insure that your community receives adequate political representation and government funding,” his voice rising. “It only takes ten minutes to fill out. TEN MINUTES! DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KNEECAPS I CAN BREAK IN TEN MINUTES?” he shouted.
Mr Bauer is expected to work in twenty-four hour shifts for an unspecified amount of time on a project that has been classified as more vital than locating a stolen nuclear device. ”We can’t move forward until we get these answers,” said White House spokesman Robert Gibbs. ”And no one gets answers like Jack Bauer.”
By Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist – We’ve all heard the song “What is this thing called love?” by possibly homosexual songwriter Cole Porter. Well, that’s the same question a lot of guys are asking about menstruation: What is this thing called menstruation?
It is a subject of endless fascination for guys.
I can’t tell you how many times a day guys want to share with me the intimate details of their wives’ and girlfriends’ menstruations, and, I do the same with them. We can’t talk enough about it! But the fact is, few of us really know — “what is this thing called menstruation?”
And that brings us right back where we started!
WASHINGTON – A month after British Petroleum’s underwater oil well began spewing thousands of gallons of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico, the National Academy of Sciences (NAS) has determined that oil and water cannot be combined “chemically or by any other means.”
“There were some holdout scientists who believed, erroneously as it turned out, that oil and water could be mixed,” explained Noah Swayne, Head Scientist at the NAS, “but in the end they couldn’t ignore the evidence – this thing that’s happened in the gulf.”
The NAS was created by President Lincoln in 1863 as an honorific society of scholars engaged in scientific research and dedicated to the use of science and technology for the general welfare.
When asked if the NAS had any thoughts on how to deal with the environmental catastrophe caused by the oil leak, Swayne shrugged and said, “We don’t have a clue. That’s the billion dollar question, isn’t it?” He promised that the NAS would turn its attention to the leak in the gulf as soon as they finish their research on which came first – the chicken or the egg.
LAND OF THE BLIND – His Royal Highness, The One-Eyed Man, has been dethroned in this idyllic kingdom following a week of rioting by its blind citizens.
The blind citizens, who make up 100% of the population aside from the King, finally found His Highness and beat him to a bloody pulp before sending him into exile.
The King’s spokesman said the King isn’t sure what he’ll do next. “If a one-eyed man can’t make it as king here, there’s little hope for him.”
PARADISE – The female suicide bombers who blew themselves up last March in twin attacks on Moscow subway stations reportedly are “disappointed” with the 72 male virgins who awaited them in Paradise.
“Since the young men are virgins, they’re not what we were looking for,’” explained one of the deceased bombers, speaking through medium Madame Anneota.
“We were hoping for ’bad boys,’ not ‘nice guys.’ These boys are too young, too timid, too inexperienced. They’re the kinds of boys our mothers want us to be with, which means we don’t want them.”
“And they finish too quickly, if you know what I mean,” added the other deceased bomber.
HOLLYWOOD - The fall television season is more than four months away but that didn’t stop television critics from savaging an advanced screening of the newest entry in the popular CSI franchise: “CSI Des Moines.”
According to the CBS press release that accompanied the pilot episode, “CSI Des Moines is an attempt to bring all of the melodrama and sexual tension that come with every police investigation in glamorous big cities like Miami and Las Vegas to the towns, villages and hamlets of our nation’s heartland.”
In last night’s debut, the two lead investigators valiantly struggled to piece together the sequence of events that led to a grisly cow tipping while dealing with swarming mosquitoes. Future installments will deal with a massacre at a 4H club meeting, and a series of suspicious poisonings at a local strawberry festival.
PHILADELPHIA - Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and self-described hockey fanatic, visited with members of the Philadelphia Flyers yesterday and informed them that he wouldn’t be shaving until after the team wins the Stanley Cup.
”Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he said. “I’m mad all right. Mad about the way these guys play the coolest game on ice!”
Mr. Rasputin is in town to deliver a series of lectures at the University of Pennsylvania Medical Center on the effectiveness of staring as a way to combat juvenile hemophilia. “It worked for the Czar’s kid. It can work for yours.”
PITTSBURGH – Astronomers say that Noah Swayne, 22, and Rosacea Lugosi-Lemieux, 21,who have lived together for nine months, have hit a wall in their relationship that can be seen from outer space.
It is believed to be the biggest wall created by an intimate relationship since the Clinton administration.
The wall is the only man-made object that can be seen with the naked eye from space.
LOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again. This time, he’s embracing Judaism.
”When you’re as great as I am, you need a faith that is just as great,” he told members of the Beth Israel Synagogue. “From this day forward, Allah and I are through. I am now a believer in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. And, I’d like to be called Irving Greenbaum. Shalom.” Then, in a shocking turn of events, Mr. Greenbaum told the congregation he had accepted his draft notice from the Israeli Army.
“I didn’t have no quarrel with them Viet Cong, but me and them Palestinians are gonna get it on,” he shouted. “If you were surprised when Nixon resigned, wait until I whup Ahmadinejad’s behind!”
Mr. Greenbaum said he looked forward to fulfilling his two year military committment, and to spending the remainder of his life behind the counter of the kosher delicatessen he plans to open when he returns.
Carbolic Flashback: May 19, 1945: Three Stooges Meet Gandhi, Debate Merits of Non-Violent Resistance
HOLLYWOOD - Mohandas K. Gandhi, bespectacled leader of the Indian independence movement, visited the Three Stooges on the set of their latest Columbia Studio picture, ”Sari Saps,” yesterday and challenged the boys to use his theory of non-violent resistance in their act.
“I’m taking a few weeks off from destroying the British Empire to perform an even greater service,” said the bronze stringbean. “Millions of people see these gentleman punch, slap, and choke each other on a routine basis. I shudder to think of the impression they are making on children.”
An enraged Moe Howard, de facto head Stooge, quickly challenged Mr. Gandhi’s claim. “Why don’t you mind your own business?” he shouted, before slapping the Mahatma across the face.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – A prominent American historian has confirmed the authenticity of a crude home-made “sex film” involving former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt and actress Margaret Dumont.
The film was discovered by an employee of the Obama Administration. According to the employee, the single reel was kept in a shoe box marked “FDR Personal Stash.”
The existence of the film has been a source of speculation among Roosevelt scholars for decades. Some, including FDR biographer Conrad Black, have asserted that the president often entertained guests with private screenings of the celluloid nasty.
“This time it’s personal,” vows ex-skipper of Exxon Valdez
NEW ORLEANS – Joseph Hazelwood, who was captain of the Exxon Valdez at the time it struck a reef and dumped eleven million gallons of oil into Prince William Sound, has been lured out of retirement by BP to contain the massive oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.
Captain Hazelwood said that for this mission, he will recommission the Valdez, which has been in mothballs since the 1989 disaster, and “get the old gang together” for first time in 21 years to serve as his crew. “This time it’s personal,” he said.
BP acknowledged that some Gulf Coast residents might feel squeamish about seeing the Exxon Valdez steaming toward the site of the spill. “But no one is more knowledgeable about oil spills than Captain Hazelwood,” said BP spokesman Noah Swayne.
“BP is giving Captain Hazelwood the opportunity to both redeem himself and save the planet at the same time,” Mr. Swayne explained. “If he fails, then no one can blame BP for the environmental cataclysm that’s sure to follow. Once more, the blame would fall where it belongs – on Joseph Hazelwood.”
ZURICH – Pope Benedict XVI was arrested yesterday in connection with his alleged failure to take action to stop the sexual molestation of children at the hands of Catholic clerics.
The Pontiff was nabbed by Swiss police at the Zurich airport in a sting operation after he was tricked into believing he had won a lifetime achievement award, “The Golden Icon,” at the Zurich Film Festival. Police were waiting for him at the airport.
It was the same ruse police used to arrest film director Roman Polanski last September.
VATICAN CITY – Father Chuck O’Malley, the debonair man of the cloth who has saved a nun dying from tuberculosis, kept a struggling Catholic school from closing, and reunited an elderly superior with his enfeebled mother, all in under two hours time, has been summoned to Rome.
“I told the Holy Father a long time ago that whenever he needed me, all he had to do was dial ‘O’ for O’Malley,” he said. “So I’m off on the road to the Vatican, buh buh buh boo.”
According to sources within the Church hierarchy, Father O’Malley will serve as chairman of a Papal Commission created to investigate alleged criminal acts committed by members of the clergy.