Monthly Archives: May 2010

More Trouble For Arizona: Apaches On War Path, Burning Homes, Attacking Station Wagons

PHOENIX – As if Governor Jan Brewer didn’t have enough on her mind these days, the Apache Indians, who last took up arms against the United States over one hundred and twenty years ago, left their reservation last night with the

Posted in Extras, History, U.S. News, War

Jack Of All Trades Masters Seven More, Bringing Total To 491

NEW YORK CITY – Last night, jack-of-all-trades Noah Swayne was certified as a master of seven more trades, bringing his record to 491. If he masters just four more, he will achieve the designation “Jack of All Trades, Master of All.”

Posted in Extras

Recession Hits Church, Priests Resort to Pickpocketing

VATICAN CITY – Collections at Roman Catholic churches are down all over the world due to the recession, and more and more pastors are resorting to pickpocketing to fill the church’s coffers. More than 50% of Catholics claim they’ve been pick-pocketed by their parish priests while receiving

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Posted in Economy, Religion

Obama’s Laundry Czar Tells Congress: “Cure For ‘Ring Around The Collar’ Within Reach”

WASHINGTON – The director of the Federal Laundry Agency told Congress yesterday that the scourge of ring around the collar may soon join bubonic plague, smallpox and polio on the scrap heap of epidemic history. “Those dirty rings.  For centuries, consciencious house wives have done

Posted in Extras

Jack Bauer Hired As Census Taker

WASHINGTON – Jack Bauer, the rogue government agent who plays by his own rules, has been given one final mission: obtain one hundred per cent compliance for the United States Census Bureau. “Title 13 of the United States Code requires your response,” Bauer

Posted in Extras, Politics, U.S. News

The Science Corner: What Is This Thing Called Menstruation?

By Dr. Noah Swayne, Scientist – We’ve all heard the song “What is this thing called love?” by possibly homosexual songwriter Cole Porter. Well, that’s the same question a lot of guys are asking about menstruation: What is this thing

Posted in Science

Scientific Panel: BP Spill Conclusively Proves Oil and Water Don’t Mix

WASHINGTON – A month after British Petroleum’s underwater oil well began spewing thousands of gallons of crude oil in the Gulf of Mexico, the National Academy of Sciences (NAS) has determined that oil and water cannot be combined “chemically or

Posted in Extras, Science

Land of the Blind in Turmoil, One-Eye Man Dethroned

LAND OF THE BLIND – His Royal Highness, The One-Eyed Man, has been dethroned in this idyllic kingdom following a week of rioting by its blind citizens. The blind citizens, who make up 100% of the population aside from the King,

Posted in Extras

AMA: Placebo Effect Too Strong So Placebo Dosage To Be Cut By Half

Posted in Extras, Science

Female Suicide Bomber “Disappointed” With Reward of 72 Virgin Males, Prefers “Bad Boys”

PARADISE – The female suicide bombers who blew themselves up last March in twin attacks on Moscow subway stations reportedly are “disappointed” with the 72 male virgins who awaited them in Paradise. “Since the young men are virgins, they’re not what we

Posted in Extras

Critics Pan “CSI Des Moines”

HOLLYWOOD –  The fall television season is more than four months away but that didn’t stop television critics from savaging an advanced screening of the newest entry in the popular CSI franchise:  “CSI Des Moines.” According to the CBS press

Posted in Entertainment, Extras

Study: Listening to Mozart Causes Intense Jealously, Feelings of Mediocrity, Among Rivals

Posted in Entertainment, Extras

Rasputin Won’t Shave Playoff Beard Until Flyers Win Stanley Cup

PHILADELPHIA – Grigori Rasputin, Russian mystic and self-described hockey fanatic, visited with members of the Philadelphia Flyers yesterday and informed them that he wouldn’t be shaving until after the team wins the Stanley Cup.  “Some people call me the Mad Monk,” he

Posted in Extras, International News, Sports

Astronomer: Local Couple Hits Wall in Relationship That Can Be Seen From Outer Space

PITTSBURGH – Astronomers say that Noah Swayne, 22, and Rosacea Lugosi-Lemieux, 21,who have lived together for nine months, have hit a wall in their relationship that can be seen from outer space. It is believed to be the biggest wall created by an intimate

Posted in Extras

Muhammad Ali Converts To Judaism, Changes Name To Irving Greenbaum

LOUISVILLE – Over four decades after he shook up the world by converting to Islam, sixty-eight year old former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced yesterday that he is changing religions – and names – once again.  This time, he’s embracing

Posted in Carbolic News, Extras, Pop Culture, Religion, Sports, U.S. News

Carbolic Flashback: May 19, 1945: Three Stooges Meet Gandhi, Debate Merits of Non-Violent Resistance

HOLLYWOOD – Mohandas K. Gandhi, bespectacled leader of the Indian independence movement, visited the Three Stooges on the set of their latest Columbia Studio picture, “Sari Saps,” yesterday and challenged the boys to use his theory of non-violent resistance in their act. “I’m taking a

Posted in Entertainment

Historian Verifies Authenticity of Eleanor Roosevelt Sex Film

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A prominent American historian has confirmed the authenticity of a crude home-made “sex film” involving  former first lady Eleanor Roosevelt and actress Margaret Dumont. The film was discovered by an employee of the Obama Administration. According to the employee,

Posted in Extras, History

Captain Joseph Hazelwood Lured Out of Retirement To Battle Oil Spill

 “This time it’s personal,” vows ex-skipper of Exxon Valdez NEW ORLEANS – Joseph Hazelwood, who was captain of the Exxon Valdez at the time it struck a reef and dumped eleven million gallons of oil into Prince William Sound, has

Posted in Environment

Pope Arrested For Sex Crimes, Falls For Same Ruse That Nabbed Roman Polanski

ZURICH – Pope Benedict XVI was arrested yesterday in connection with his alleged failure to take action to stop the sexual molestation of children at the hands of Catholic clerics.  The Pontiff was nabbed by Swiss police at the Zurich

Posted in Religion

Father O’Malley Summoned To Rome

VATICAN CITY – Father Chuck O’Malley, the debonair man of the cloth who has saved a nun dying from tuberculosis, kept a struggling Catholic school from closing, and reunited an elderly superior with his enfeebled mother, all in under two

Posted in Religion
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