Goodell Orders Roethlisberger To Submit To Counseling, Castration

castratorNEW YORK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell emerged from a closed door meeting with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger yesterday and told a gathering of reporters that he was ordering the embattled signal caller to submit to counseling as a way of changing the behavior that has embroiled him in two separate sexual assault allegations in the past eight months.

The commissioner also ordered Mr. Roethlisberger to submit to voluntary castration.

“I’m hoping as a result of this meeting today and the punishments I have levied that these issues are going to be fixed once and for all,” said Mr. Goodell, who quickly added, “perhaps that’s a poor choice of words.” 

Mr. Roethlisberger’s attorney said his client was disappointed with the commissioner’s decision and vowed to take the matter to court..

“If Roger Goodell thinks he’s going to eviscerate my clients genitals without a fight, he’s got another thing coming.”

However, many NFL insiders claim Mr. Goodell does possess the authority to mete out such a punishment. “Under the  current collective bargaining agreement,  the commissioner has the right to order the removal of any body part, including but not limited to limbs, organs, or appendages,” said ESPN analyst Chris Mortenson.

“I’m sure the union is going to fight this, but I think at the end of the day, Big Ben is going to lose a little more than his reputation, so to speak.”

Apr 14