TUCSON – Don Diego de la Vega, a masked outlaw clad in black who claims to be the defender of los campesinos against tyrannical officials, was arrested under the new Arizona law that requires police officers to stop and check the legal status of people they…
Monthly Archives: April 2010
Brewers Defeat Pirates 257-0; Bucs Skipper Sees Improvement
The Milwaukee Brewers extended their home winning streak against the Pirates last night to twenty-two games with a historic 257-0 victory. Pirates starter Zach Duke, who surrendered 195 runs in 2 1/3 innings, was charged with the loss. “I just didn’t…
Posted in Sports
Roethlisberger Issues Statement Claiming “He’d Do It Again In A Minute”; Attorney Quickly Issues Retraction
PITTSBURGH – Embattled quarterback Ben Roethlisberger issued a press release yesterday claiming “he’d do it all over again” given the chance, swearing vengeance on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for punishing him with a six game suspension, and deriding behavioral therapy as “a…
Posted in Sports
Pittsburgh to Keep Civic Arena, Build Second One ‘To Simulate Beautiful Woman From the Air’
PITTSBURGH – Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the Rust Belt Capital of the World will not demolish its iconic domed Civic Arena when the city’s hockey team, the Penguins, vacate it to take up residence in the new Consol Energy Center, but…
Posted in Local News, Sports
Local Lawyer Blames Eight-Year-Old Son for Losing Trial
PITTSBURGH – Local attorney Noah Swayne said his eight-year-old son, Ethan, is “solely responsible” for losing a multi-million dollar product liability trial the elder Swayne was trying on Take Your Child to Work Day. “He really stunk up the joint,”…
Experts: NFL 2010 Draft Class Loaded With Criminal Talent
NEW YORK – The consensus among NFL draft analysts is that this year’s class is the deepest class in recent memory for teams looking to add social deviants and miscreants to their rosters. The 2010 NFL draft, which begins this…
Posted in Sports
Roger Goodell To Oversee Roethlisberger Suspension To Insure Blood Doesn’t Run To His Head
Posted in Sports
Goodell Arrested In Strip Club Brawl; Will Meet With Self To Determine Possible Disciplinary Action
NEW YORK – Less than forty-eight hours before the NFL draft, Commissioner Roger Goodell was arrested for participating in a melee that erupted in a mid-town gentlemen’s club on Tuesday afternoon. Last night, the Commissioner issued the following statement: “I am…
Posted in Sports
Inspirational Quote Of The Day
“First they ignore you, then they overlook you, then they pay no attention to you, then you kill them.” Mahatma Gandhi
Posted in Extras
Obama Nominates Mother-In-Law To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama announced at a White House Rose Garden ceremony yesterday that he is nominating his mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, to fill the opening on the Supreme Court created by the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens. “My…
Posted in Extras
Goodell “Tired” of Sexcapades: Chews Out Roethlisberger, Summons Pope to New York For Tongue Lashing
Posted in Extras
Obama Space Pledge: “We Will Send Alice Kramden To The Moon”
CAPE CANAVERAL - President Obama spoke to a group of NASA employees yesterday and used the occasion to reveal new details about his plans for space exploration. “A long time ago, a rotund Brooklyn bus driver with a heart of gold by the name…
Posted in Extras
Titanic Sank Faster Than Previously Believed, Director James Cameron Ordered to Trim 15 Minutes From His Epic “Titanic” To Keep It Accurate
FALMOUTH, Mass. – The discovery of two large pieces of Titanic’s hull on the ocean’s floor indicates that the fabled ocean liner sank faster than previously believed, by about 15 minutes, experts revealed on the anniversary of the famous ship’s collision…
TV Highlights: “The Man Who Shot Lincoln,” Starring Burt “Boy Wonder” Ward
Actor’s insistence on playing John Wilkes Booth in “Robin” costume mars documentary HOLLYWOOD – “The Man Who Shot Lincoln” airing tonight, the anniversary of the death of America’s 16th President, is a gritty and shockingly realistic portrayal of the events leading…
Goodell Orders Roethlisberger To Submit To Counseling, Castration
NEW YORK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell emerged from a closed door meeting with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger yesterday and told a gathering of reporters that he was ordering the embattled signal caller to submit to counseling as a way of changing the behavior that has…
Posted in Sports
Zombies Ate My Headlines won a Gold Medal at the 2009 Independent Publisher Awards as the Best Humor Book of the Year. And we didn't even have to bribe the selection committee.
