Zorro Nabbed Under New Arizona Law

zorroTUCSON – Don Diego de la Vega, a masked outlaw clad in black who claims to be the defender of los campesinos against tyrannical officials, was arrested under the new Arizona law that requires police officers to stop and check the legal status of people they reasonably suspect may be illegal immigrants. 

Mr. Diego was also charged with false reporting to police because when law enforcement officials apprehended him, he identified himself as “Zorro.” 

The outlaw was nabbed while standing in line at Chase Field to purchase tickets for an Arizona Diamondbacks game.

“His story didn’t add up,” said police chief Noah Swayne. “He initially claimed he’s not from Mexico at all, but insisted he’s a nobleman from Spanish colonial California. But after we softened him up a bit, he changed his tune and admitted he must have accidentally dropped his immigration papers during a rousing sword fight atop a speeding train.”

Apr 30

Brewers Defeat Pirates 257-0; Bucs Skipper Sees Improvement

homepageaThe Milwaukee Brewers extended their home winning streak against the Pirates last night to twenty-two games with a historic 257-0 victory. Pirates starter Zach Duke, who surrendered 195 runs in 2 1/3 innings, was charged with the loss.

“I just didn’t have it tonight,” said the forlorn pitcher, who spoke with members of the media following the game. “I left too many pitches out over the middle of the plate. You can’t do that against a club like Milwaukee.”

Pirates manager John Russell was characteristically upbeat afterward, commenting on the game over a refreshing glass of lukewarm tap water. “I thought we hung in there, battled,” he said.

Read more

Apr 29

King Features Syndicate Reveals New “Mary Worth” Strip in Which Mary Has Coffee With the Prophet Mohammed

Mary&Mohammed

Apr 28

Carbolic/Comedy Central Exclusive: First Look at Next Week’s South Park Episode, “Mohammed Returns”

SouthPark

Apr 28

Roethlisberger Issues Statement Claiming “He’d Do It Again In A Minute”; Attorney Quickly Issues Retraction

Big-BenPITTSBURGH – Embattled quarterback Ben Roethlisberger issued a press release yesterday claiming “he’d do it all over again” given the chance, swearing vengeance on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell for punishing him with a six game suspension, and deriding behavioral therapy as “a waste of time talking to shrinks who don’t know their ass from a hole in the ground.”

Mr. Roethlisberger’s attorney, David Cornwell, quickly issued a retraction on behalf of his client, blaming a shoddy proofreader in his office for what he described as a “regrettable error.” 

Mr. Cornwell’s retraction was an attempt to calm an outraged public that anticipated a statement of contrition from the Super Bowl winning signal caller following his league mandated punishment for furnishing alcohol to an underage coed in a Georgia nightclub.

Read more

Apr 27

Pittsburgh to Keep Civic Arena, Build Second One ‘To Simulate Beautiful Woman From the Air’

ATTACHMENT 2PITTSBURGH – Mayor Luke Ravenstahl announced that the Rust Belt Capital of the World will not demolish its iconic domed Civic Arena when the city’s hockey team, the Penguins, vacate it to take up residence in the new Consol Energy Center, but instead will construct an identical domed arena right next to it.

When the “duel arenas” are seen from the air, Ravenstahl explained they will simulate “a beautiful woman.”

The plan is crucial to Pittsburgh’s survival, the Mayor explained, because “our town has gone from a world-class city to a third-rate bupkis, and this will give us much-needed kinkiness cachet.”

“It will be like administering a massive shot of Viagra to the Burgh.”

Apr 26

Local Lawyer Blames Eight-Year-Old Son for Losing Trial

takechildtowork2PITTSBURGH – Local attorney Noah Swayne said his eight-year-old son, Ethan, is “solely responsible” for losing a multi-million dollar product liability trial the elder Swayne was trying on Take Your Child to Work Day.

“He really stunk up the joint,” a furious Swayne said.

The jury deliberated for just ten minutes after Ethan’s closing argument, which included singing, dancing, and air-guitar playing, then returned a $4 million verdict against Swayne’s client, Peerless Can Opener Co. “I thought we had a good chance,” said Swayne, “given that the other attorney let his five-year-old daughter handle his case.”

Swayne said it was good for his son to “get this one under his belt,” and that the experience would “look great” on future law school applications. 

Next year, Swayne said, he’ll let Ethan try a death penalty case.

Apr 23

Experts: NFL 2010 Draft Class Loaded With Criminal Talent

nfl-draft[1]NEW YORK – The consensus among NFL draft analysts is that this year’s class is the deepest class in recent memory for teams looking to add social deviants and miscreants to their rosters. 

The 2010 NFL draft, which begins this evening, will be televised live to over three hundred countries around the globe. It will also be broadcast to galaxies beyond our own by the new NFL satellite, “Bednarik I.”

ESPN draft expert Mel Kiper Jr. was effusive in his praise for what he described as a bumper crop of ne’er do wells.

Read more

Apr 22

Roger Goodell To Oversee Roethlisberger Suspension To Insure Blood Doesn’t Run To His Head

rope-of-sanda

Apr 21

Paramount Pictures Apologizes for Volcanic Ash, Worldwide Chaos

ParamountVolcano

Apr 21

Goodell Arrested In Strip Club Brawl; Will Meet With Self To Determine Possible Disciplinary Action

Goodell-300x218NEW YORK – Less than forty-eight hours before the NFL draft, Commissioner Roger Goodell was arrested for participating in a melee that erupted in a mid-town gentlemen’s club on Tuesday afternoon.

Last night, the Commissioner issued the following statement: “I am disappointed in my behavior. I will be meeting with myself in the near future to discuss this matter and any possible disciplinary actions I may be facing. At this point, my investigation is ongoing. I am still in the early stages of gathering all of the facts. When I have an opportunity to sit down and talk to myself about the events in question I’ll be better able to make an informed decision.”

Mr. Goodell said he could be facing a possible suspension, or fine, or perhaps both.  “I’m in some hot water here,” he said.

Read more

Apr 21

Inspirational Quote Of The Day

Gandhi1“First they ignore you, then they overlook you, then they pay no attention to you, then you kill them.” 

Mahatma Gandhi

Apr 20

Obama Nominates Mother-In-Law To Fill Supreme Court Vacancy

obama_robinson240WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama announced at a White House Rose Garden ceremony yesterday that he is nominating his mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, to fill the opening on the Supreme Court created by the retirement of Justice John Paul Stevens.

“My mother-in-law has just the kind of real-life experience that I believe is essential for the job,” said Mr. Obama. “And what’s more, it will get her out of the White House every day and off my back for awhile.”

Mr. Obama’s mother-in-law moved in to the White House following his inauguration last January. According to one source who spoke on condition of anonymity, Mrs. Robinson spends most of her time in the Lincoln bedroom watching soap operas and cutting coupons.

Read more

Apr 20

Scientists Pinpoint Source of Massive Ash Cloud Over Europe

obama smoking

Apr 19

Goodell “Tired” of Sexcapades: Chews Out Roethlisberger, Summons Pope to New York For Tongue Lashing

Goodell

Apr 16

Obama Space Pledge: “We Will Send Alice Kramden To The Moon”

Alice-Kramden-Honeymooners_lCAPE CANAVERAL - President Obama spoke to a group of NASA employees yesterday and used the occasion to reveal new details about his plans for space exploration.

“A long time ago, a rotund Brooklyn bus driver with a heart of gold by the name of Ralph Kramden used to promise his long-suffering wife that he was going to send her to the moon. One of these days, he used to say.”

At this Mr. Obama smiled at Mrs. Kramden, who was seated in the front row. 

Read more

Apr 16

Titanic Sank Faster Than Previously Believed, Director James Cameron Ordered to Trim 15 Minutes From His Epic “Titanic” To Keep It Accurate

titanic-2FALMOUTH, Mass. – The discovery of two large pieces of Titanic’s hull on the ocean’s floor indicates that the fabled ocean liner sank faster than previously believed, by about 15 minutes, experts revealed on the anniversary of the famous ship’s collision with an iceberg.

In light of the revelation, 20th Century Fox has ordered director James Cameron to trim 15 minutes from his 1997 epic Titanic to maintain the film’s historical accuracy. 

The studio has instructed Cameron “not” to excise the Kate Winslet nude scene.

Apr 15

TV Highlights: “The Man Who Shot Lincoln,” Starring Burt “Boy Wonder” Ward

man-who-shot-lincolnpbsActor’s insistence on playing John Wilkes Booth in “Robin” costume mars documentary

HOLLYWOOD – “The Man Who Shot Lincoln” airing tonight, the anniversary of the death of America’s 16th President, is a gritty and shockingly realistic portrayal of the events leading up the 1865 assassination of President Abraham Lincoln by John Wilkes Booth, a well-known and flamboyant actor of his day.

The documentary marks the return to prime time television of Burt Ward as Booth. Ward is best known for portraying “Robin, the Boy Wonder,” opposite Adam West in the 1960′s camp TV classic, Batman.

Ward insisted on playing Booth in his old “Robin” costume, and the results are mixed. At first the colorful costume proves somewhat of a distraction, but Ward’s performance is so sure of itself and his screen presence so commanding that ultimately it doesn’t matter.

Ward’s old mannerisms are still there, and they still work like a charm, from the quick-tempered habit of punching his fist into his other hand, to even blurting out “Holy states’ rights!” at one point.

Read more

Apr 15

Goodell Orders Roethlisberger To Submit To Counseling, Castration

castratorNEW YORK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell emerged from a closed door meeting with Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger yesterday and told a gathering of reporters that he was ordering the embattled signal caller to submit to counseling as a way of changing the behavior that has embroiled him in two separate sexual assault allegations in the past eight months.

The commissioner also ordered Mr. Roethlisberger to submit to voluntary castration.

“I’m hoping as a result of this meeting today and the punishments I have levied that these issues are going to be fixed once and for all,” said Mr. Goodell, who quickly added, “perhaps that’s a poor choice of words.” 

Read more

Apr 14

Contrite Roethlisberger Apologizes for “the Incident in Georgia, and Also This Haircut”

BenBadHair

Apr 13

Next Page →