Prince’s Attorney: “His Highness is Completely Innocent of Sexual Assault”

PrinceSnowWhite-1MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – Police continue to investigate allegations that the Prince sexually assaulted a 20-year-old member of a different royal family who works as a scullery maid for her step-mother, the Queen.  This news outlet does not name alleged victims of sexual assault.

The woman accused the Prince of non-consensual kissing while she dozed in a corner restroom abutting the VIP room of the downtown Capital City nightclub.  She was at the nightclub partying with seven dwarfs who own a local gold mine. 

Although immediately after the kiss, she awakened and rode off happily with the Prince, hours later, several friends, who major in Women’s Studies at a local college, urged her to report the crime to police.  Witnesses say she was “hysterical” at the police station.

The Prince’s legal counsel, high-powered Atlanta criminal attorney Ed Garland, issued a statement: “The Prince is completely innocent of any crime.  The kiss was consensual, not to mention G-rated Disney fare.” 

Garland has represented other high-profile celebrities in criminal matters. He was Pinocchio’s counsel in a federal perjury trial, which, Garland said, “was going just fine until his damn nose started to grow.”  Garland also successfully represented Princess Jasmine after she severed ex-husband Aladdin’s penis and justified her action by saying: ”He always have orgasm and doesn’t wait for me to have orgasm.”  In addition, Garland unsuccessfully represented Sid Phillips, the villain from Toy Story, who stabbed The Jungle Book’s sloth bear Baloo to death in a prison cell.  Baloo had been serving time for a sexual assault on feral boy Mowgli. Mr. Phillips was later executed for that murder.

For the current case, Garland says video evidence proves the accuser consented to sexual encounter.  “We have located a video of the accuser just moments before the alleged assault in which she was captured singing, ‘Someday My Prince Will Come.’”  Garland said it is reasonable to interpret the lyrics to mean ”someday my prince will ejaculate.”  The investigation continues.

Mar 12