VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI married Mrs. Rosacea Lugosi, 58, a widow from Florence, in a move designed to shield the Pope’s assets from seizure in the event lawsuits filed by clerical sex abuse victims are successful. The marriage is the Pope’s first.
Vatican lawyers say that in light of the wedding, all of the Pontiff’s assets, including St. Peters Basilica, are now jointly owned and beyond the reach of three Kentucky plaintiffs, who filed suits claiming the Holy See was negligent in failing to alert civil authorities about a priest who molested children.
A smiling Vatican spokesman, Father Federico Lombardi, made the announcement: “As of 10:30 this morning when the Pope said ‘I do,’ these three plaintiffs can get themselves a runaway verdict, for all the Pope cares, because they’ll never get a dime out of the Holy Father. Oh, and the Pope has lifted the ban on priests marrying.”
VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI expressed the Church’s “shame and remorse” for its involvement in “sinful and criminal” sex scandals in Ireland and the United States, and confirmed that he will play in this year’s Masters tournament.
“Obviously, the ratings for the tournament will be off the charts,” said Masters Chairman Noah Swayne. “To my knowledge, His Holiness has never played golf before, so it should be very interesting.”
Golf legend Arnold Palmer applauded the Pontiff’s decision to play at Augusta. “I think it’s the right thing for him to do, if he wants to put these scandals behind him.”
Carbolic Flashback: March 30, 1955 – Jay Silverheels, Worried About Typecasting, Will Leave The Lone Ranger After This Season
LOS ANGELES – Variety is reporting that Jay Silverheels, long-time co-star of the popular Western television show “The Lone Ranger,” will leave the program after this season.
According to the show-biz Bible, Mr. Silverheels is worried that audiences will forever identify him with the taciturn, monosyllabic sidekick he plays on the small screen, limiting his chances for future employment.
“I’m more than just Tonto,” Mr. Silverheels told columnist Army Archerd. “I’m a classically trained actor. I spent eight years at the Royal Shakespeare Academy in Cambridge working under John (Gielgud) and Larry (Olivier), for God’s sake.”
NASA Satellite Photo Shows Lone User of Electricity During Earth Hour: A Tennessee Mansion Owned By a Mr. Albert Gore
BRADENTON, Fla. – Dr. Bernie Holliday, newly hired mental conditioning coach for the woeful Pittsburgh Pirates, has voluntarily entered the Jimmy Piersall Clinic where he is reportedly being treated for severe depression.
According to one source in the Pirates front office who spoke on condition of anonymity, Holliday began his descent into madness shortly after watching Jeff Clement take infield practice in early February.
“That, plus the pitching getting bombed, and all of the strikeouts. It started wearing him down. For the last week, he’s just been sitting in his room with the lights out and the curtains drawn. I’ve had to put him on my shoulder and carry him to the car just to get him to come to these exhibition games.”
It is believed that Dr. Holliday’s prolonged exposure to Pirate baseball this spring propelled him into a near-death spiral of melancholy.
Earlier this week, former I Spy star Robert Culp joined a cavalcade of Hollywood has beens, including Peter Graves, Fess Parker, and Corey Haim, who have passed away in 2010.
Entertainment experts say the rash of deaths of “celebrities” whose fame peaked decades ago is reaching epidemic proportions.
“Where are the Michael Jacksons? The Anna Nicole Smiths? The Heath Ledgers?” moaned entertainment critic Noah Swayne.
“I’m sure that Fess Parker and Peter Graves and the others were very nice people,” said Mr. Swayne, “but if one more washed-up TV performer from the 50s or 60s dies and is treated as a true celebrity, it’s going to put me over the edge.”
Mr. Swayne revealed he has a “wish list” of major stars he hopes will die in 2010 “to bring things back into balance.”
BEVERLY HILLS - A tearful Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire and apostle of the Playboy lifestyle, announced yesterday at a news conference that he is entering a clinic to help him battle the scourge of sex addiction.
“Many of you in this room know me. Many of you in this room have worked for me. Many of you in this room have slept with me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly: I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior.”
Mr. Hefner went on to say he has been battling sex addiction for nearly eight decades.
“I realize now I’m not going to be able to beat this thing on my own.”
He added that he hoped going public with his illness would give other global pornographers the necessary courage to seek help for their common affliction.
GETTYSBURG – Vice-President Hannibal Hamlin used an obscene word yesterday in casual conversation with President Lincoln just before the Union’s chief executive was to begin delivering an address dedicating the Soldiers National Cemetery, marring an historic moment.
“This is a big f—–g deal,” Hamlin said, embracing the President, whose face immediately registered an expression best described as part bemused, part disgusted. Secret Service officials quickly removed Hamlin from the podium.
A White House spokesman said the Vice President was resting comfortably at an undisclosed location after having his mouth washed out with soap, and would be making no public appearances in the near future.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama’s sweeping healthcare overhaul kicks off this weekend as the death panels established by the new law start to liquidate senior citizens deemed too expensive to care for.
“This is a big f***ing deal,” said a beaming Vice President Joe Biden when President Obama unveiled a rendering of the new death panel headquarters, modeled after the “Death Star,” the fictional moon-sized super-weapon from the Star Wars films.
The death panels, officially called “end-of-life counselors,” will start exterminating seniors who reside in the state of Florida, “because there are so many down there who travel in clumps, they’re easy to round up,” Biden explained. By the summer, senior citizens from more than half the states will have been eliminated.
NEW YORK – The first changes of President Obama’s health plan take effect his week: old-looking doctors’ waiting room magazines will be outlawed.
That spells trouble for Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati, the world’s largest publisher of seemingly outdated magazines that are, in fact, brand new.
Pyramid sells exclusively to physicians waiting rooms. “It surprises people when we tell them that our magazines are new but that we purposely make them appear to be four to six months old,” said Pyramid’s CEO Benjamin Cardozo. “We intentionally fill them with old news, and we make the covers appear to be worn, sometimes even missing.”
The obvious question is, why do physicians buy magazines that appear to be outdated? “Patients expect old magazines in waiting rooms. The fact is, any doctor with new magazines is viewed as suspect, maybe even incompetent. So it’s a trust issue.”
With Congress’s historic passage of health reform Sunday night, a lot of mad scientists are wondering: What does it mean for me?
For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or pay a fine.
But not to worry about the fact that your creature was cobbled together from dead body parts: death as a pre-existing condition is no longer a bar to coverage.
Dr. Victor Frankenstein is spearheading a legal action for an exemption from coverage for man-made creature “because they aren’t human.” But White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said that Congress has authority under the Commerce Clause to regulate activities relating to both interstate and interspecies commerce.
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic Congressional leaders admitted for the first time that they are ”extremely pessimistic” about the reelection prospects of most House members who voted in favor of health care reform last night. The leaders have retained high-powered attorney Tom Hagen to advise pro-health care reform representatives about what they should do now, in light of their dismal political futures. Carbolic Smoke Ball has obtained a transcript of one of those counseling sessions:
CONGRESSMAN: Tom, what do I do now?
TOM HAGEN: I know you were always interested in history. Take the Roman Empire, for example. When a plot against the Emperor failed, the plotters were always given a chance to let their families keep their fortunes.
CONGRESSMAN: They went home and sat in a hot bath and opened their veins, and bled to death. Sometimes they gave a little party before they did it.
TOM HAGEN: (Shakes his hand) Don’t worry about anything.
CONGRESSMAN: (Gives a knowing nod) Thanks, Tom.
Local bon vivant Noah Swayne revealed that he “doesn’t feel alive” unless his triple-banded metal collar bomb is securely locked around his neck.
“First thing I do when I get home from work is slap on the collar [bomb],” said Swayne. “I know the neighbors must think it’s strange seeing me cutting the grass wearing the collar, but I’m one of those guys who’s always lived a sort of high octane life.”
Swayne insists on setting the timer to detonate the bomb while he’s wearing the collar. “Only one time did I come close to having it go off — when I accidentally fell asleep,” he chuckles. “I disarmed it with seven seconds to spare.”
Swayne confides that he sometimes wears the collar to bed. “Many a night my wife assumes the bomb went off,” he winks. “Every couple should add one of these to their lovemaking regimen.”
Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Horace Peckham:
Well now, I’ll begin at the beginnin’, says I, and here, on the feast to honor himself, Saint Patrick, no less. Instead of telling it to you in the Irish, as is my custom, I’ll spell it out in English so that even the despicable sons of Cromwell can read what I’ve got to say.
In a world where change is practically the only constant, every century, a new technological advance (so-called) turns us upside down – from the wondrous improvements in smelting, to this dizzying cotton spinning, to the steam engine itself!
Why, aside from change, the only other thing us Irish can depend on with absolute certainty is, of course, our national staple, the potato. Starch, starch and more starch. There’s nothing better for you if you’re Irish, ya know. We could not live without it, but we needn’t ever worry about that.
CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of global annihilation when the clock strikes midnight, accidentally sprung the hands of the clock forward one hour Saturday night, pushing them past midnight.
“Our janitor didn’t realize that the hands of the [Doomsday] Clock are never ‘sprung ahead’ for daylight savings,” said a grim Dr. Noah Swayne, director of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists. “That janitor is likely responsible for destroying civilization as we know it.”
Swayne said the earth could be annihilated at any time.
MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – Police continue to investigate allegations that the Prince sexually assaulted a 20-year-old member of a different royal family who works as a scullery maid for her step-mother, the Queen. This news outlet does not name alleged victims of sexual assault.
The woman accused the Prince of non-consensual kissing while she dozed in a corner restroom abutting the VIP room of the downtown Capital City nightclub. She was at the nightclub partying with seven dwarfs who own a local gold mine.
Although immediately after the kiss, she awakened and rode off happily with the Prince, hours later, several friends, who major in Women’s Studies at a local college, urged her to report the crime to police. Witnesses say she was “hysterical” at the police station.
March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing.
“What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s Sneeze Foundation.
The Foundation will be passing out green ribbons this weekend. ”Green is meant to symbolize the color of women’s mucous,” explained Professor Swayne.
“I thought, ‘Where’s my scholarship, like [Duke lacrosse false accuser] Crystal [Mangum] got?’ Then I remembered, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not black!’”