Monthly Archives: March 2010

Pope Marries to Shield Assets From Sex Abuse Plaintiffs

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI married Mrs. Rosacea Lugosi, 58, a widow from Florence, in a move designed to shield the Pope’s assets from seizure in the event lawsuits filed by clerical sex abuse victims are successful.  The marriage is the Pope’s

Posted in Religion

Pope Apologizes For Church’s Sex Sins, Says He’ll Play In The Masters

VATICAN CITY – Pope Benedict XVI expressed the Church’s “shame and remorse” for its involvement in “sinful and criminal” sex scandals in Ireland and the United States, and confirmed that he will play in this year’s Masters tournament. “Obviously, the ratings for

Posted in Religion, Sports

Carbolic Flashback: March 30, 1955 – Jay Silverheels, Worried About Typecasting, Will Leave The Lone Ranger After This Season

LOS ANGELES – Variety  is reporting that Jay Silverheels, long-time co-star of the popular Western television show “The Lone Ranger,” will leave the program after this season. According to the show-biz Bible, Mr. Silverheels is worried that audiences will forever identify

Posted in Archival Reports, Entertainment

NASA Satellite Photo Shows Lone User of Electricity During Earth Hour: A Tennessee Mansion Owned By a Mr. Albert Gore

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Posted in Environment, Science, U.S. News

Pittsburgh Pirates Mental Conditioning Coach On Suicide Watch

BRADENTON, Fla. – Dr. Bernie Holliday, newly hired mental conditioning coach for the woeful Pittsburgh Pirates, has voluntarily entered the Jimmy Piersall Clinic where he is reportedly being treated for severe depression.  According to one source in the Pirates front office who spoke on

Posted in Sports

Quality of 2010′s Celebrity Deaths ‘Very Disappointing’

Earlier this week, former I Spy star Robert Culp joined a cavalcade of Hollywood has beens, including Peter Graves, Fess Parker, and Corey Haim, who have passed away in 2010.  Entertainment experts say the rash of deaths of “celebrities” whose fame peaked decades ago is

Posted in Entertainment, Obituaries

Hugh Hefner Announces That He Is A Sex Addict, Will Seek Treatment At Undisclosed Clinic

BEVERLY HILLS - A tearful Hugh Hefner, founder of the Playboy empire and apostle of the Playboy lifestyle, announced yesterday at a news conference that he is entering a clinic to help him battle the scourge of sex addiction. “Many of

Posted in Entertainment, Health

Carbolic Flashback: November 20, 1863: Vice-President’s Obscenity Ruins Lincoln’s Address

GETTYSBURG – Vice-President Hannibal Hamlin used an obscene word yesterday in casual conversation with President Lincoln just before the Union’s chief executive was to begin delivering an address dedicating the Soldiers National Cemetery, marring an historic moment. “This is a big

Posted in Archival Reports

Death Panels to Start Liquidating Senior Citizens on Saturday

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama’s sweeping healthcare overhaul kicks off this weekend as the death panels established by the new law start to liquidate senior citizens deemed too expensive to care for. “This is a big f***ing deal,” said a

Posted in Health, U.S. News

Health Plan’s First Changes Kick In Friday: Old Physicians’ Waiting Room Magazines Outlawed

NEW YORK – The first changes of President Obama’s health plan take effect his week: old-looking doctors’ waiting room magazines will be outlawed.  That spells trouble for Pyramid Publishing Company of Cincinnati, the world’s largest publisher of seemingly outdated magazines that are, in fact, brand new.  Pyramid

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Posted in Health

Mad Scientists Wonder: ‘What Does Health Reform Mean For Me?’

With Congress’s historic passage of health reform Sunday night, a lot of mad scientists are wondering: What does it mean for me? For starters, if your creation is currently uninsured, you will have to purchase a policy for it by 2014 or

Posted in Extras, Health, Science

Democrats Who Voted For Health Reform Putting Affairs in Order

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Democratic Congressional leaders admitted for the first time that they are “extremely pessimistic” about the reelection prospects of most House members who voted in favor of health care reform last night.  The leaders have retained high-powered attorney Tom Hagen to advise pro-health care

Posted in Politics, U.S. News

Local Man: “The Only Time I Feel Alive Is When I’m Wearing My Collar Bomb”

Local bon vivant Noah Swayne revealed that he “doesn’t feel alive” unless his triple-banded metal collar bomb is securely locked around his neck. “First thing I do when I get home from work is slap on the collar [bomb],” said Swayne.

Posted in Extras

New York’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade Marred by Sobriety, Marchers Walking in Straight Lines

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Posted in Extras

Carbolic Flashback: March 17, 1845: “If There’s One Thing Us Irish Can Count On, It’s the Potato”

Commentary by Carbolic Smoke Ball Editor Horace Peckham: Well now, I’ll begin at the beginnin’, says I, and here, on the feast to honor himself, Saint Patrick, no less. Instead of telling it to you in the Irish, as is

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Posted in Archival Reports

Obama Announces New Strategy To Pass Health Care Reform: “Ramming speed, Nancy!”

 

Posted in Health, Politics

Daylight Savings Disaster!

CHICAGO – The atomic scientists at the University of Chicago who maintain the Doomsday Clock, the timekeeper that warns of global annihilation when the clock strikes midnight, accidentally sprung the hands of the clock forward one hour Saturday night, pushing

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Posted in International News

Prince’s Attorney: “His Highness is Completely Innocent of Sexual Assault”

MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. – Police continue to investigate allegations that the Prince sexually assaulted a 20-year-old member of a different royal family who works as a scullery maid for her step-mother, the Queen.  This news outlet does not name alleged victims of sexual

Posted in Crime

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month

March is National Women’s Sneeze Awareness Month, intended to spread awareness about women’s sneezing. “What we’re seeing is an epidemic of the sudden, violent, spasmodic audible expiration of breath through women’s noses and mouths,” said Professor Rosecea Swayne of the Women’s

Posted in Gender News, Health

Roethlisberger’s Latest Accuser ‘Pissed’ That Jesse Jackson Hasn’t Offered Her A Scholarship

“I thought, ‘Where’s my scholarship, like [Duke lacrosse false accuser] Crystal [Mangum] got?’  Then I remembered, ‘Oh, shit, I’m not black!’”

Posted in Crime
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