WASHINGTON – The CIA has learned that every Toyota sold in the United States since 2004 has been infected with a virus, set to activate this Friday at noon, that will cause the cars to suddenly accelerate.
The Japanese plot is intended to cause mass carnage on American roadways coast to coast. Some of the viruses have gone off sooner than planned, accounting for the sudden acceleration accidents that have plagued Toyota of late.
“The plan was to destroy the American way of life with greater stealth, and more cunning, than [the Japanese] ever dreamed possible at Pearl Harbor,” explained U.S. Rep. John Mica (R., Fla.). Mica said Congress will pass emergency legislation Thursday to ground all of the targeted Toyotas.
The plot was revealed just as Toyota Motor Corp. President Akio Toyoda was preparing to testify before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee. It became obvious that something was amiss when Congressional aides, accompanied by CIA agents, scurried into the hearing room and frantically whispered to Committee members.
Mr. Toyoda apparently sensed that the Committee had learned of the plot because he immediately stood up, grabbed his prepared remarks, and ran from the room. He reportedly headed to the airport and boarded a private jet to Tokyo.
Several hours later, the CIA confirmed the authenticity of an audio tape relased by Arabic news outlet Al-Jazeera from Mr. Toyoda in which the Japanese auto chief claimed responsibility for the sudden acceleration plot, the attempt to blow up the plane en route to Michigan on Christmas Day, and the deadly snowfalls in the Northeast U.S. this past month. He warned the U.S. of more attacks “unless the American motion picture industry, based in fabulous Hollywood, California, praise Allah!, ceases portraying Japanese tourists as spasmodically bowing, geeky caricatures festooned with cameras slung around their necks.”